My mother didn't love me. How to learn to like myself

[AnguaVonUberwald]

I had an extremely emotionally abusive childhood. Am NC with my family and have been for nearly 4 years.

Am having psychotherapy am trying to come to terms with the fact that she didn't love me or even really know who I was at all.

The issue I am really struggling with is that I can now see that my MH issues/depression come from the fact that I have internalised all the messages from my childhood and really don't like, in fact often hate, myself.

I understand logically why that is, what caused it but the logic doesn't help me feel better.

I don't know how to start being kinder to myself, to lean to forgive myself for all the things they blamed me for and to stop hating myself for any bad or negative thoughts I have now.

Since I went NC there has been absolutely no contact from her or any attempt at reconciliation and while as an adult I am very clear that I never want contact again, at the same time it confirms to all the hurting bits inside me how utterly unloved I was. What mother doesn't make even one token effort to reconcile with their child?

Do you have a father? Were they any more emotionally available? Was there anyone in your life as you were growing up that showed you some affection or appreciation? Other family member, a teacher, a neighbour? There are a lot different circumstances where someone might end up specifically deprived of love or even mistreated, but that doesn't mean there hasn't been love in their life of some kind. Children will latch onto any kind of affection.

Next question is to ask are you capable of love? Might be anything from a family pet to friends to children of your own. I think if you're capable of expressing love, it's not too big a leap to turn it on yourself. Make the conscious decision to be your own best friend, if you like. If there are bad or negative thoughts, for example, what would be your response if it was a friend saying these things about themselves?

Final thought. When the sun comes up in the morning and it's a new day you always have a choice how to play it. You can either carry on down the same paths as before.... with the same outcome.... or you can try something new and treat it as a fresh start. That's 365 fresh starts a year so the odds are in your favour :)

Cogito. Both father and step father emotionally abusive. Bio father probably less so but only because hardly around. Extended family extremely dysfunctional on all sides. Doc said to mt at 18, "usually when someone has a dysfunctional family they have some kind of extended family that is functional, but you don't!

I am capable of love. Have two children and a husband who I love very much, but find it incredibly hard to turn it on myself.

I do get up every day and start trying again, but am finding it incredibly hard. There are extra factors too. Ds1 has SEN and we are really struggling to get him support at school which all has a massive impact on day to day life.

I think youre at the first stage. Psychotherapy can be really good for making some sense of why you feel the way you do, but this is going to be a gradual process. Lightbulbs gradually lighting up. The damage your mother did to you will take time to repair. Be gentle with yourself

Op, do you have children? If you do, then you think of yourself with the same love and kindness that you show your children. Would you talk to/about your children harshly, unlovingly, critically? Of course not, then don't do it to yourself.
Or, if you had a friend who was going through a really rough time, what would you do to help her? Would you make her a lovely meal, take her some flowers, run her a bath, treat her to something lovely to eat/wear, take her to one of her favourite places? Do this for yourself.

Basically, I went through this too (am NC with a narc mum). Loving yourself is such a foreign concept to children of narc's. (think no self-esteem, no self-confidence) It does take time to 'reprogramme' yourself. Keep at it and do one new thing for yourself each week you never thought to do before. Just one little thing or one little mantra and keep repeating it. You will believe it one day.

You are doing all the right things. It will be a slow and painful process.

Can I suggest 1 practical thing you can do? Set a time, say half an hour, each and every week. This time is just for you. Not for counselling, not for talking but for you to do something nurturing. Whether it be a walk in the park, reading a book in a coffee shop, evensong at church, swimming. Whatever suits you and most importantly, lifts your spirit a little. Something you can do by yourself so that you become more comfortable in your own company. It may find strange at first but self nurturing is wonderful. When we missed out on nurturing as a child, we can still find ways to nurture ourselves as adults.

I wish you all the very best.

Your feelings are there to point you in the direction of loving yourself more.

One thing I will say is that when the pain gets too much to bear then you WILL without a shadow of a doubt begin on an earnest journey to get to the root of your issues. Now you know them intellectually which is a start but you need a strong will to dig deeper and root out the core beliefs in your mind. Keep going!

The reason I know this is because I am going through the same process. I used to hate myself but bit by bit I'm starting to love myself. Each day the love for myself gets stronger. I see light where I used to see dark. I see an opportunity for growth where before I saw pain and darkness. Keep going!

You're doing the best that you can.
OS

Branleus I am approaching a big, (middle aged) birthday and it feels like I have been at this stage for 20+ years. (Which becomes one more thing to beat my self up about)

Startinover you are right on all points I am trying to visualise myself as a small baby I am cuddling and comforting. And I do try an think about how I comfort my children and apply it to myself, but as you say, it's such a foreign concept when I apply it to me. With friends I am not at all judgemental. But the same thing I understand in them, I condemn in myself.

It sounds like you are managing this yourself. (To be kind to yourself) you should be really proud. It's incredibly hard to do.

Fionola1step, thank you. I love baking but feel unable to do it at the moment, everything feels so overwhelming. Will start thinking about easy things I can bake so the whole idea doesn't feel too overwhelming.

OS, that's brilliant. I am really pleased for you. I don't want to sound like I am not carrying on trying, because I am. But even after so many years, my own family, NC and lots of therapy it feels like all I am doing is exposing the pain, not healing it.

You will get there. ((hug))

I understand exactly what you mean about understanding the logic, but not knowing exactly how to start loving yourself.

Here's what worked for me:

• Getting angry. Getting really, properly angry about my shite upbringing, and finding ways to express that anger (unsent letters and the like, and one cathartic moment spent smashing old crockery at my garden wall.)

• Then, forgiving my parents for being no better than they were able to be. Just accepting that they are who they are. Finding peace in that thought.

• Psychotherapy to understand the ruts my mind is in, and find tools to create new and healthier paths of thought.

• and Daily affirmations! Until you are able to tell yourself how great you are, then . Sounds corny, but I swear it's helped me turn a corner and actually be able to love and appreciate myself as I am.

Angua with regard to exposing the pain - I think that is unfortunately part of the process, it is hard but if you think of the analogy of having a foreign body stuck in your flesh, it needs painful surgery and a healing process to get it better. If you are just regularly reapplying anaesthetic cream and a plaster (burying the issues and trying to act like nothing is wrong) its not going to do it....you need to bear with and have faith in the process. Goats post says what I would have said too.

Angua , yes it has been really hard and I've been NC for 4 years now, so a long (and continuing) process. I think I'll always have to fight against the 'resident daemon' my narc mum chained to the wall in my head that awakens every now and then (and then I bash it over the head to put it back to sleep )
I've recently come to the realisation as well that my stbxh was a spin-off of the effects of my narc mum and distant, passive-agressive step-dad and absent bio father (complicated childhood!) All these factors contributed to me feeling like I didn't deserve to be loved and I had to chase someone (my ex) to love me. I had previous relationships before ex too where any normal person who cared about themselves at all wouldn't even give the time of day. Now my challenge is to break the pattern of trying to please, chase, change, bargain, convince or otherwise feel like I have to do anything other than be myself in a relationship. Because myself is actually a really nice person who deserves to be loved for who she is. And so are you! And in X years time, you will be on here telling another woman that yourself.

AnguaVonUberwald....I understand what you mean completely.

Your pain is there to tell you that something you have believed about yourself is untrue. That is the purpose of each negative emotion, to expose the underlying negative beliefs.

Every single time you have a negative emotion or thought examine it with these statements until you get to the core:

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO ME?
WHY WOULD THAT BE SO BAD?...assuming that is true?

Keep asking these question every time you get an answer. At some point you will get to the root belief of why you feel the way you do!

***

The other way of doing this is to observe the emotions with placing any conditions on them. This means you do not WANT to get rid of them. Once you just observe an emotion without the WANTS of removing it then it will automatically dissolve or integrate. However, if you observe the emotion with the intention of dissolving it then you are not doing it unconditionally and so it will not dissolve. A good book to read on this would be The Presence Process!

The beautiful thing about this is that all the energy you use to suppress the emotion will be given back to you.

***

Practice everything with unconditional love.

***

Do all these things every day, all day...with a will greater then anything you've ever come across. This MUST be the most important thing in your life. Nothing else matters.

op best of luck, I think people are right on this thread
I think you can do it.
I think you can break the cycle

Anugua that is a good post. I have spent years feeling bad about myself but find if I can look at a photo of the little girl I once was and then take that image into my heart and try and give her the love, affection, time and care that she was never given. This can help to bring the lost child back into your life and you can now parent her in the same way you parent your own children. She is you.

Anugua have you ever seen my mad fat diary?

the girl in that is advised to do just what you said

imagine saying all those hurtful things some people say to themselves to yourself as a child

at it was the thing that made the penny drop

My DH feels unloved by his parents. Nothing as bad as you but similar problems valuing himself. I have spent years telling him he is great and pointing out concrete reasons why this is true, saying I love you often and just making him feel special. It won't ever replace what he didn't have from his parents, but helps him to see himself differently now. He can see that it was them, not him, and can move on. Will your psych talk to your husband and tell him how to help you?

I have read Toxic Parents which is really good. You do not have to forgive. I had an abusive childhood, like my mother. She always justified her abuse of me because her childhood was abusive. To forgive her that? No. She made the choice to abuse me. I have made the choice not to abuse my children, she could have done that too. My Dad did not have an abusive childhood, yet was complicit in the abuse I received and later joined in. To forgive absolves them of any responsibility for their actions. You do not need to forgive to move forward with your life.

Thankyou for all the comments and support.

Millie. That is what I am trying to do. Some days it works better than others.

Brings. Dh tries but it doesn't come very naturally to him. We are working on it.

Spanky2. Like you I am nowhere near forgiveness, it feels like that is saying I understand and its ok. I don't understand and its not ok.
Yes they had emotionally abusive childhoods too. But mine would be no excuse to do the same to my children and theirs is no excuse for doing it to me!

Magic pixie I havnt seen the film, I will look out for it.

I think i also struggle with the fact that it feels like there are no consequences for them. They did this, I continue to suffer.
Yes they miss out on me and my wonderful children but since they don't care about that, it's not a consequence for them. Their lives continue unhindered and I feel like a fly stuck in the spiderweb of their actions.

(I keep say they as there is an abusive step father and bio father too.)