Help me please .

[rumby]

Hello everyone,

A long history , which I wont bore everyone with , but this morning another episode of arguments on our 3rd wedding anniversary. He went to work, and I went jogging to the next village, on my way back the phone rings and he says he is near the house and can come for breakfast, so I said ok if you want pick me up...when he picked me up, I said to him why did you not let me know that you could come for breakfast, so that I could organise things like my jog at another time, I hold my hands up here, I was a bit miffed , because I really have been stressed lately and wanted to run it off ... He said to me dont worry, he will stop the van and I can get out, to which he tried to do, but I refused to get out. I asked him why does he have to be this way, why cant I just say how I feel without getting a huge backlash from him ? He said there is no problem, and when we got to the house, he said he was going back to work and to forget about having breakfast with him . I asked him again, why ? Why are you being like this, what have I done to you to treat me like this ? He said he didnt care and to get out of the van, I said to him that he was punishing me for daring to ask him something .. he said me and you are obviously not thinking the same way and that its not working out . I was angry and I said you have a think about what you want , over the weekend and let me know if you want me in your life... 5 minutes later , he came into the house, told my stepson (his son, aged 20) to get out of the house , as he wanted to talk to me, /he shouted at me to come downstairs, I came down and he said... you asked me to think about what I want and here is my answer: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE< YOU ARE MESSED UP IN THE HEAD AND A SELFISH CUNT > YOU AND ME ARE FINISHED

Why was the breakfast thing a big issue? It was just the by and by and I could see how angry he got if you made a big deal with the questioning.
I'm assuming there is a huge backstory.

However his behaviour when you got back is very unacceptable. The way he spoke to you was very wrong. Where does he think you will go? Is this his child?

Yes, you are right LadyLuck, HUGE history and I am so weak and stupid to have put up with it all these years. I am so pathetic .

I dont know where he thinks we can go ... I am trying to find hotels near me, but they are 50 quid a night and I cant afford that
And yes, it is our little one.

Scary stuff. Seek help and support immediately. Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 they will help you answer your questions about where to go. www.womensaid.org.uk

Please phone Women's Aid and maybe even the domestic violence officer at your local police station on 101.

I think the plan should be that you and dd leave asap. This man has demonstrated admirably that he is an abusive and offensive idiot not worthy of you or your daughter. I'm not impressed with how he treated his son in this episode either. This will escalate quite quickly I think - darn why does such shit happen on a Friday??

Others will be along with better questions and advice re housing, money, packing etc I just wanted to endorse your unspoken gut feeling that you should be out of there asap.

At the top of this relationships board there is a link to a domestic violence webguide that should have relevant phone numbers and useful starter stuff til others who are better at this turn up on your thread. I'll be watching for your updates.

I think you should ring or email Women's Aid. What you are experiencing us domestic abuse - emotional, physical (the throwing & slamming is threatening you have), and financial if you have limited or no access to money. I'll look up the details and post in a minute.

Why are you going anywhere?

Call/text him and tell him not to come back to the house as he as been aggressive.

Call the police on 101 and make them aware of his aggression, that you have asked him to stay away but are worried he may come home and kick off.

Ensure the doors and windows are safely secured and do call the police if he makes a single aggressive move.

magoria - while in principle I agree this is a sound alternative, there's more value in safety first and argue it out later imo.

I'm sure details of "whose" house it is, and on what basis, will emerge in due course. First thing is dealing with the emotion of a highly strung situation and ensuring OP and dd are out of harm's way.

Oh my God, is this really domestic abuse ? I am really scared now after your posts... I am crying my eyes out because I have never spoken to anyone about anything before. I am so ashamed .

I have already had the txt saying sorry and we need to talk, he realises what he has done... I have turned off my phone now .

First off, there is no place for shame on your part. At all. he has done this and from what you've said I suspect there's plenty more episodes of unpleasant and yes, abusive, behaviour.

Also, no need for fear at this point. Just calm clear assessment of what you can reasonably do while he's out of the house for now. Given that it's the w/e.

Did you see the WA number in an earlier post? Phone them. The lines are often busy, you need to be brutal about re-dialling. Phone 101 and describe what happened, plus some of the stuff you haven't told us yet. I really think there's more. Is there?

That txt actually sounds ok for the short term. Depending on the bigger picture. I would still phone other support agencies and get RL advice.

Do you want to speak to him later? Is there anywhere else he could spend the night?

Yes tipstrifle, there is more, I have had years of arguments, sulking, shouting at me, swearing at me, ignoring me in front of the kids . Anytime, we argue it escalates into something really big. ... I am so tired and feel like I have nothing left inside me now . I cannot keep living like this anymore. I am not a romantic fool, I know marriage/relationships are hard work and I am always prepared to put the needs of my child before my-self, but the past few weeks have been constant and I am worn down with it all.

I have no one in RL , you guys are my only help. My phone is not working and I have no friends near .

It must be horrible to have the realisation dawn that this is in fact domestic abuse.
And no doubt you have been putting up with it for years, minimising it, thinking others must have it much worse than you.
Not the case at all. This is NOT what a good healthy relationship looks like.
You are not weak or pathetic. You have been bullied and manipulated like so many before you.
This is probably your 'straw'.
As knowledge is power I suggest to book a free half hour appointment with a solicitor.
Is the house mortgaged?
Who's name is the house in?
Do you work?

1st step is to contact Womens Aid and get your head around this.
2nd step is to contact CAB and find out what housing, benefits, tax credits you would be entitled to in the event of a split and you having to leave the house
3rd get on line or contact CSA and find out how much maintenance you would be entitled to in the event of a split.
4th Get to your solicitors appointment and take it from there

Is this behaviour from him more recent or has he always been like this?

Sorry you've had such a crappy anniversary.
Do look after yourself and cry as much as you need to.
This is a lot to take on board in a day!
for you

OK then, do you have access to money?
Can you get to a supermarket?
If so, then go and get a cheap pay as you go phone and sim card.
If you are feeling like you need to take action now then get to a police station and ask for the DV unit.
They will let you make some calls to get the support you need.

Why doesn't your phone work? Do you have a landline?
You can contact WA via email.

It may or may not be domestic abuse. But there's obviously a lot of explosive tension between you, which could be for any number of reasons. Is it possible for you to fill us in on the history?

In the meantime, try to keep calm. Whatever is going on, it will be worked out in some way. This too shall pass, it always does xx

That is classic domestic abuse. Screaming horrible things at you like that, breaking stuff, then texting to say it was nothing really. If you challenge him he won't see what's he's done as a problem.

I would definitely call WA. Just sit and repeat dial till someone picks up. And let it pour out.

I'm certain there's more. Lots more.
Could you ring the police 101 and ask for their DV officer? You need space to think, and if he comes back today you have no space. After this mornings episode they could speak to him and ask him to stay away if that's what you'd like.

tbh it sounds like a hellish relationship that should have ended years ago and has escalated into outright hell. yes his behaviour sounds awful but i also can't understand why when he rang and suggested breakfast you couldn't have chosen to say actually i'm out on a run so no can do rather than say yes and then moan about it when he picked you up.

the whole thing sounds fucked up and it won't have gotten to this point overnight.

thehoney couldnt disagree more.

If H rang and I was doing something I would say yes but youwill have to pick me up. Then I would say "I wish you'd said something earlier, I would have postponed X" and he would say "It only just occurred to me" or whatever. He certainly wouldnt have had a tantrum that ended with him calling me a cunt and to fuck off.

Op hellsbells has given some great advice and steps to follow if you just feel so overwhelmed right now. You need to work towards not ever having to put up with this again.
That is not the way people speak to each other. He wants to kick the mother of his child out? Who does he think he is.
Please start making plans for a better life for yourself and dc. You don't deserve this.

Agree with you 100% bogey face. I'll bet this is just the tip of a huge iceberg of abusive over reacting on OP's husband's part. Sounds like it is unsafe to disagree with him or challenge him in any way.

Please keep yourself safe, OP. Call WA when it is safe to do so. Start making a plan for a new, happy life.

The support offered on MN is amazing for women in abusive relationships, I hope you feel you can use it OP

Are you married? If so you own half of the house.

You can ring WA and tell them what has been going on. They can find you a refuge to stay in. Because you are suffering Domestic Abuse and you have a child you will go straight to the top of the housing list.

You will be entitled to benefits for your children and also your partner will have to pay maintenance. There are grants and loans from the government to help you buy furniture, carpets etc.

He sounds absolutely awful. Another minute with him is a minute of your precious life wasted IMO.

You can be happy in life, you can find a man who will love you and make you happy.

Oh and I would let no man talk to my child like the way you said he shouted to your son. Your son needs you to stand up and demonstrate whats right. I'm assuming he was scared of his step father. Not good but I appreciate the strain you are under.

Good luck

Hoping you're ok rumby

Quite - the son is his from a previous, so OP's stepson. Though your point about him being scared of his father sounds very likely true. What an awful awful picture of son scarpering and OP being called downstairs to be verbally abused