Feel like I'm not good enough

[lomega]

Was going to post in AIBU, but as it's quite a sensitive topic to me I'm honestly worried I will get flamed and then feel even more upset by this. Trouble is, I don't know if I'm over thinking this and being silly, or if I am well within my rights to feel this way. TIA for any input.

Basically I feel like I have never been good enough for my PILs, my MIL in particular. I have tried countless times to get along with and do nice things for/with them, but it basically all boils down to me feeling unimportant and ignored and an 'add on' to DH's life otherwise. Even though it makes me quite angry, deep down I WANT them to like me and for us all to get on well and have a close relationship, especially since my DC was born. I don't want him to witness any tension between me and his paternal grandparents. A lot of people with MIL problems that I've seen on here just go NC, or don't say anything and put up with it, but this is really hurting my feelings and has started to become a bone of contention in my marriage.

For example, I recently sent a batch of photo albums to various family members of my child, printed and put together and sent as a surprise at my expense. I also included a little hand written note for each person inside. Every single other person who received an album acknowledged it in some way, either just through saying thanks on Facebook, or giving me a call or text. I'm not expecting anything more than that, it was just a nice thing to do. However, the album I sent to my PIL have not had a response. I know they got it because everyone else got theirs ages ago and thanked me or commented on it. Both PILs are retired so its not like they are busy with work. This really hurts me as it's not just the fact they've ignored my gift as an attempt to do something nice for them, but they've ignored the fact it's to do with their grandbaby.

Other examples include telling me to go home on my own when me and DH visit them as a couple so they can have 'alone time' with their son (he is nearly 30 and they live about 2 hours away from us), telling him he shouldn't marry me when we announced our engagement 'incase it held him back in life', and when we did get married berating me for 'taking' their family surname and telling me I should keep my maiden name.
There are other examples but I don't want to go into detail incase it 'outs' me on here.

I do find this really hurtful and I feel like they constantly try to exclude me and make out I'm a disposable part of DHs life, despite the fact that we are married, have a child, live together, love one another dearly and come as a couple.
If I express an opinion or say I can or can't do something, they will override me and ask my DH anyway as if what I've said doesn't matter.

Am I being too over sensitive?

No! You are not being oversensitive. As e Roosevelt said no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You cannot change their attitude towards you but you can change how you feel / behave. Minimise contact where possible and work on not caring.

One thing: you will never ever please these people. They have made their minds up already.

What does your dh say about all of this?

It's horrible they way they disregard you but what does your DH say about it? You do know that if HE allows this behavior it will continue. It's his parents, what is he trying to do to help?

No you are not being oversensitive in the slightest; if anything you have acted too nicely towards this toxic pair of ILs. Emotionally adjusted people do not behave in the ways his parents have acted towards you; its not you but them. You have not made them this way, they would have acted the same regardless of whom your husband married.

Stop sending them anything; they are clearly not interested and do not like you at all. If they cannot or will not behave decently then why should they see you and your child at all?. You cannot reason with people who are dysfunctional and or inherently unreasonable. You do not need to seek their approval either (not that they would ever give it anyway), they are not your parents and you really do have no real obligation to them.

You do not need to maintain what is basically a one way relationship between you and these awful people. You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, family are no different and these people too would also make for being really awful grandparents as role models. You really do not want such people anywhere near your child because they cannot or will not treat you as the child's mother at all decently or with any respect. Never leave your child alone with these people.

Talking of your DH, what exactly is he doing here about this issue, its his parents so cannot obligate all responsibility to you on this matter. Is he very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mum and dad?.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

I am wondering what DH's position in all this is. What does he say when they suggest you go home early so they can see him by himself? Did he ask them if they received the photo album?

They sound absolutely horrible and minimising contact in order to keep your sanity sounds like the way to go. Don't try to please them as you won't succeed. Work on ignoring them and letting their snide remarks wash over you. Be faintly amused by their rudeness and keep an account so if they realise something is up and ask you, you can reel off the evidence of their terrible behaviour.

They sound bloody horrific, I feel for you, OP, your in laws are arseholes. I would just forget about being nice to them and assert yourself. Berating you for taking 'their' family name, I've never heard anything like it!

What the fuck is your husband doing when all this is going on?

Do you really come as a couple?

What does your DH say to them when, eg., they tell you to toddle off so they can have some alone time with him? Does he tell them that the two of you come as a package?

Protect yourself lomega and distance yourself; you will end up being repeatedly hurt otherwise.

I was in a similar situation to you. I would have absolutely loved to have had a good relationship with my in-laws. (And I was very young, and naieve and willing to please then!) I tried everything I could to make it work. But dh's family were suffocatingly close (not in a good way!) and his mother, in particular, made it clear from the outset that I was never going to be good enough for her son or to join their "little family".

There were so many hideous and hurtful incidents over the years from my wedding day, to the birth of my dd, that, looking back as a middle-aged more confident person, I should never, ever, have tolerated. (But hindsight is a wonderful thing!) But, like you, I kept asking myself if I was being over-sensitive, or wondering if I was the one doing something wrong. It took me far too long to comprehend that, yes, people really can be that horrid (I'd never truly come across anyone with such lack of self-awareness, blatant manipulativeness and selfishness as my mil I'm afraid.) I couldn't believe that such people existed!

It was only when it started to have a negative impact on my dd (mil decided it was fine to cry down the phone on dd's 7th birthday and tell her how wicked she was to be with us on her birthday and not with them!) that I decided to distance myself totally and I rarely had contact with them again except occasionally, through my dh. (Fortunately he escaped their clutches long ago, something that his 50 yr old sister has still not managed to do.)

So, in summary, run, run for the hills .... !! And take your dh with you!