at my wits end???

[itappearstobeme]

really don't know where to start or what i'm actually asking, i think i just want some pointers or just to see what other people think???

its quite a long one and i've never posted on here before so please be patient.....

right, i have two children one ten year old from a previous relationship, and an 8 month old from my current relationship.

before i became pregnant i was told i had pcos and due to the fact i'd not conceived for ten years i probably wouldn't conceive again.....as legend would have it yes i did, hence i have an 8 month old.

my partner was shocked and afraid but said he'd stick by me nevertheless, whether or not he has done this is questionable???

he made no contribution either financially or emotionally and has done exactly as stated and just 'been there'.

i've done practically everything on my own, which needless to say has caused a few arguments, to the point now where he feels it would be better if we were to seperate....

i use the term seperate loosley as we have never lived together, he is the main carer for his elderly grandparent which i have never questioned but essentially feel like a mug because i am just basically a single parent aren't i???

now he says we are 'seperated' he is now buying all manner of things for our daughter to stay at his despite having not bought anything for her whilst we were 'together'.

i feel so angry and hurt at the minute, that he has done nothing yet thinks he can just be megadad now without doing a thing for us in the first place.

i feel powerless as i have no support from friends or family and he has his family and money and a degree in law just for good measure.

i feel like he is now calling all the shots and i am at a point where i feel so depressed i am powerless to his actions, i can't sleep or eat, i just sit and cry all day long, and feel physically sick at the thought of getting out of bed in the morning.

i go to pick my daughter up from school and people look down there nose at me and say snyde remarks, i hate having to pick her up because i've had rumours spread about me and all sorts in that school. i cant wait until she starts high school next year.

i digress, i guess what i'm trying to say is i just feel hurt, angry, lonley and afraid for the future.

i couldn't even pick myself up off the floor the other day and i had to call my ex to come and look after the kids.he came and stayed and was acting like everything was ok, we had sex and then that was that. he stayed the night after aswell and was just back to being cold and harsh again.

i've always tried to understand him and be there for him, i know i'm depressed and need help but i'm just so scared and powerless right now, i don't know what to do???

i've just been made one big fat joke out of haven't i???

That's quite a complex story. Sorry you're having such a rough time. My thoughts are that your baby's father has no automatic rights for your DD to stay at his place. You're not married, never lived together and he doesn't pay maintenance. So get the child support organised formally as a first step and keep your baby home until that comes through and you've had chance to think. He may believe he can call the shots but he's actually in a very weak position legally. You are in a stronger position than you think.

What happened to your friends and family that you have no support from them? Is it something you can address?

The people at your older DD's school can be safely ignored. No idea who is spreading rumours or what they are about but they sound horrible. Why would they pick on you?

When you say you called your 'ex' do you mean the father of your baby? I'm sorry he used you for sex and hope you won't make the same mistake again. Yes, he is making a fool of you - I'm sorry - and being honest I think sex is all he wanted out of the relationship in the first place.

If you think you are more depressed than is normal for a break-up, please do talk to your GP.

Time to stop relying on exes. You have two children dependent on you. Depression saps your ideas and energy so if you feel stuck, go to your GP.

They say it takes a village to raise a child but it starts at home with you the parent. So you get advice about applying for financial support for raising DD2, you sort your life out. Access help where you can and get advice from free sources like Mumsnet and in your area, Citizens Advice.

You are far from powerless.

You are a role model for your girls. Why no support by way of family and friends have you asked lately? What did you do between finishing with DD1's father and meeting DD2's father? Were you working? Would you like to go back to employment if you have not already done so?

If the ex who fathered DD2 steps up to be a good dad to DD2 and you can come to reasonable arrangements then that is something salvaged. If he is only now buying DD2 things it is poor timing but take what he gives. That does not automatically entitle him to pick and choose when and where and how much he sees her. Is he employed? Then go after him for formal and regular maintenance for his daughter.

Your eldest daughter has had enough upheaval. You and he may not have lived together but he's been in her life and now she has to share you with an infant sister. Try looking at life from her point of view. Never mind snide looks from outsiders. How is she behaving? Is she doing well at school?

i have no friends really, my mums is a very selfish person and never comes to see us, i don't want to sound like i am being to harsh, but emotionally and mentally we aren't very close at all i moved out when i was 15 which she seemed glad of and although now we have contact its never been the greatest of relationships, i can' t talk to her at all.

in beetween having children, i went to college, uni and worked. i did make a few friends but i've always struggled, and as i'm not in these circles anymore i guess i just lost contact with everyone.
i would like to go back to work at some point but understand that childcare would be an issue that i will have to eventually overcome.

i've tried txting a couple of people but i know people have their own ties at the minute.

people at school are a lot older than me, one is my next door neighbour, and as me and my dd2s father didnt live together they've reported me for benefits fraud twice, both times proven to be untrue as i was working two jobs and dd2 dad was paying tax at his address. they're very cliquey and i am very quiet and keep myself to myself for various reasons.

hes not giving me any money hes buying all these things for where he lives with his grandmother, things he had no interest in buying for us.
hes not working at the minute he's been caring for his elderly grandparents one of which passed away a few months back, again something which i will not judge him for.

i don't mean to sound so defeatest really, if thats how i'm coming across...i apologize, i just wanted any advice as like i said i'm at my wits end at the minute.

This could be the chance for you to reconnect with your mother. I'm sure you're a very different person to 15yo you and sometimes it takes a crisis to bring people together.

A lot of us are lone parents who work. Childcare is available and there are still things like tax credits to offset some of the costs. I really do think you should pursue him for maintenance, even if he isn't working. Where is the money coming from to pay for things at his grandmother's house? Even if he only pays £10/week it is better than leaving you high and dry. Maybe not now but when the dust has settled and you're more amicable, he could be the solution to your child-care problems while you work.

Have you been to see your GP about the depressive symptoms?

It is a tough time but you need to look after your own health as well as that of your daughters.

Hope you used contraception when your ex came over, seeking comfort from a familiar source through sex is a natural thing to look for but honestly if you can put boundaries in place ie no sex then he won't mess with your head.