I Need Help With My Sibling

[yummymummy1192]

Hello, I have a sister who is 16. i looked after her for a while because my mother was working and didnt trust her to look after herself as she used to self harm. During the period that she lived with me i got her counciling and because of a special request that i made with womens aid she was able to attend the freedom programme because i felt that she needed to go to learn about the types of abuse because of the abuse that her father inflicted on us but i have dealt with mine where as she has not. well anyway she refriended a friend who i told her not to during prom, which has lead her to move out to this friends house and became involved in a romantic relationship with a man who is old enough to be her father (36). well when i found out i didnt tell my mother because i knew that my family would find out and that she would slip up when she visited my mum. but today she has said that we never cared for her when all we have done is try to get her the help that she needs. as we all know that she is not mentally stable enough to be in this type of relationship. but the doctor told her to stick with counciling but she didnt. well i know that the friends family have socially grommed her into beliveing my mother neglected her as my mum and sister didnt spend that much time together as my mum was eiather working, taking the family shopping or in darts to try and relax from stress. but when they had the opportunity to spend time together my sister would rather be with this friend. well my family all found out about her relationship and and they are really worried about her. but she is addiment that she is in the right. she has a social worker but they said that they cannot do anything other than advise her that it is abad idea tobe in thiskind of relationship. which i think is wrong because she is still a child and is not a mature 16. but on futher investigating it turnsout that the family that she prosides with has encourraged this relationship even though the guy has been told by several people to saty away as it could lead to prosicution. but we have also found out that this person is related to the family which thay are related to us distantly. i dont know what to do as my family are very worried can anyone offer any advice please it would bemuch appreciated.

The social worker is correct in that, at 16, she is technically not classed as a child and therefore does not fall into the Child Protection bracket. If she appears to be of sound mind and capable of making decisions (even bad ones) she won't be classed as a vulnerable adult.

All I think you can reasonably do is stay in contact with her, get to know the man she's with and get to know his family. It's not getting you anywhere to keep telling her she's in the wrong so you might have to drop that. If you appear to approve of her boyfriend, some of the attraction might go out of him for her.

Is she still at school?

thank you
and yes she is now attending college on a catering cours.
at the moment me and her are not really on good speaking terms as what she did to me but i am just concerned for her thats all. but yes thank you

16-18 is a difficult time - over the age of consent, but still supposed to be protected by child protection legislation - in practice, they are not (protected)! Good that she at least has a social worker - not a lot more you can do I'm afraid.

I think most 16yos are capable of saying and doing very hurtful things that they later regret. If you're concerned, you'll have to be the bigger person and stay in touch regardless. She clearly wants her freedom and, even though she is immature & you want to look after her and keep her from harm, you will have to give her the space to make her own mistakes rather than trying to run her life for her. It will probably go horribly wrong and she has to feel she can come to you when it does without hearing 'I told you so'.

thanks guys but because she is under social services can my mum request to have her removed from the family member and placed into care

Your mum could certainly talk to SS, tell them how worried she is, give them any relevant information and see what they suggest. But if this older man is legitimate (no criminal record etc) and if your sister claims to be happy then I think they are going to be limited in what they can do to intervene.

Have you done any checks on him yourself?

Sorry.... when you say removed from a family member do you mean that other members of your family have parental responsibility for her besides your mother?

Is she in official foster care, then? Or is it a private/family arrangement - in which case social care should still know about it. You can call social care & tell them of your concerns - tell them what to do, not so much!

my gran told her to stay at her friends housefor a few day which is our couison and she took that as move in with her so my mum had tosay that she wasnt living there so she is under thier care but not in offical care .

The best way to help your sister is to be supportive towards her at this moment in time. That might mean swallowing your pride, reaching out and apologising. Ask to meet her new boyfriend and tell her you didn't mean to judge but were worried about her. Tell her you can see that this relationship is what she wants so your prepared to accept that as you want to be part of her life.

Don't criticise or she will shut you out. You can't force her to stay away from this man so it's better to be there as a sister. At least that way you will know whats going on in her life.

If she's self harming and has a history of abuse then she is surely classed a vulnerable adult?

i thourght that but when iwent to the doctors with her in march thay just said to keep going to counciling and that they were not going to prescriber her with anything because of her age x

I think more than anything you need to be a "safe place" for your younger sister. Someone she can talk to, without judgment (or at least no judgment she may sense). How old are you? Close in age? This will be more difficult if you are also still trying to figure things out. She is only 16. I don't know what she "did to you" but she is young. She will make mistakes. She will act selfishly. Maliciously even. It's all part of her journey into adulthood.

i am 22 and yes i know i havent said i word to her but i needed to write it down and get other opinions because my familyare worried and they dont have internet acsess and i wanted some advice topass on x thank you everyone much appreciated x