Child with new partner insecurities, advice needed.

[Vintagecrap]

Hoping someone might be able to help. Dd met my boyfriend just over a month ago, at her request.

I had been single a very long time, and bar 7 or so months of her life when we lived with exhusband, it's always been just me and her. She is now nearly 9.

She asked to meet him as she was worried what he was like. So, I let her.

Since then he has come to dinner once a week, I don't want him round with dd all the time and want to give them both space to build their own friendship. Dd likes him, he plays games with her etc and I thought it was all going well.

This week it has been my birthday and I've seen him 3 nights in a row. Dd was also around when we came up with the idea of a day trip to something that is weekday only. This started a flood of tears from her and she keeps saying she doesn't want me to have fun with
out her and she thinks I have more fun with him.
She couldn't sit next to me at my birthday dinner at my mother's, but did sit opposite, which she was also upset about.

She's been in my bed every night this week, I've talked to her, tried to reassure her etc.
I don't want her to be upset but can see how, as she has had me all to herself all of her life, so an interloper of any kind isn't goung to be an easy ride.

I'm just after any advice on how to help her transition and make it easy for her.

Just thought, I try to see him when dd isn't around, so, she asks if on my day off, when she's at school, if I'm going to see him. I say yes and several times she has got stroppy and asked why and said she can't understand why I just don't sit at home on my own and wait for her, or, I can do housework.

I've tried being logical and explaining that's not very nice for me, and she sees friends and dies things or does things with her daddy when I'm not about, but she says that's different.

I've also said that when she sees her daddy his gf and now wife is always there and she said she didn't care about that as it's not even the same.

I don't think that the problem is so much with an "interloper" as with insecurity in her relationship with you. This sounds a very tricky balance to achieve - reassuring her whilst also having a grown up relationship.

Why couldn't she sit next to you at the meal? Who did sit next to you?

Too late now, but I think letting them meet because she was worried was the wrong reason.

My mum did the seating and sat me next to the boyfriend as it was the first time he met a lot of family. I didn't know till we went to sit down and mum had told dd where she was to sit.
I don't expect mum had really thought it out. I asked dd if she wanted to move buy she said she didn't want to.

She wanted to meet him as she said she would worry if she didn't. I didn't want her to worry, so let her.

Until these last few days it was fine and she's invited him to dinner or to do stuff with us, which I've mainly put a stop to those plans happening as I don't want to race things.

So on one hand she's asking him if he wants to stay for a sleepover on the sofa and on the other hand she's got upset that I've seen him more than once in a week ( even when it hasn't impacted her at all as she's at school or her dad's)

She wanted to meet him as she said she would worry if she didn't. I didn't want her to worry, so let her.

But she's a child. She shouldn't feel that she has to police your safety and you shouldn't be encouraging that role.

I think you're saying the right things, but I would stop the defending and explaining.

Oh, and I wouldn't give them too much time and space to make a "friendship" separate from you. I think a short board game whilst you make tea is plenty.

She shouldnt feel like that, but is obviously protective of me, and a bit curious too.

I think its because we are a bit of a team and very close, which is obviously what is causing this issue.

Of course im saying the right things :) i am a damn good parent, and i wouldnt be posting if i didnt care and want to help her with this. Im just not sure what more i can do, other than stick with the coming over for dinner once a week and giving it time.

Last night i promised her it was just me and her and she could have all of my time, what did she want to do? go and play with her friends in the garden. So, i let her.
She wasnt at all interested in doing anything with me.

yes, thats exactly what is happening. Im cooking dinner and hes playing some daft maths game she has made up, or jenga or something. Then afterdinner we all help clear up, watch a bit of tv/ chat/ have a laugh and she goes to bed.

Its all very low key and easy.

She shouldnt feel like that, but is obviously protective of me

The response though is to acknowledge her worries but explain that as an adult, you've made a good choice with your friend, and she doesn't need to worry. You know he's a good friend because of X, Y and Z. Relate it to her playground friendships.

She just needs reassurance. But you have to be careful how you deliver it.

The suggesting activities and sleepover thing is an attempt to stay in control a bit of what happens. You need to remove this pressure from her by showing her that nothing changes - even when you do see him. So see him on your day off, she might be cross/worried but at the end of the day collect her from school with a packet of sweets, a big hug and tell her you've missed her (lighthearted, not guilt-inducing or anything!). This approach will give her subconscious reassurance that you see him - and yet all stays the same for her.

Don't talk about him too much when you're with her, just drop casual bits into the conversation.

I think a lot of the saying that you have more fun with him, being offered the chance to move places but choosing not to and then moaning later could be attention seeking. All perfectly normal but you need to demonstrate this isn't necessary.

Tough situation, good luck with it.

yes, i know, i did do all of that too.

DD has a few thngs going on right now, Her dad is having a new baby in a few months, he is also moving house an awful lot closer to us. She was also starting a new school.

It was important to her,she said she would keep worrying because she didnt know what he was like, i was trying to ease her worries, as im aware of all the other things she has going on.

DD has settled well into the new school and is thriving, shes dealing well with the move and the baby, and ive just thought this, that maybe her worries over that and her dealing with it, is coming out with the boyfriend thing instead.

thanks dixie, thats what i have thought too.

When shes suggested things ive said he is busy, or we are, or the ' we will see'

and other than this week, which was special circumstances, it will go back to dinner with him one night a week for the forseeable.

I had taken a day off last weekend, and spent the whole weekend just me and her.

I still pick her up normal times and do everything else as normal, so, it is probably just time.

Ok I probably am going to get blaster for this but you do have a right to have your own life and you don't need her permission to do it. I'm in a similar situation but further down the line with 2 girls.

She doesn't have to like him. He isn't her friend he is yours. But she does have to accept absolutely that you have a right to have a partner. If you spend your life as just her mum that is not setting her a reasonable example of life. It is a good thing for you to have a relationship so she can see how a woman should be treated by a man.

My eldest, 9, was not keen on me having a partner because she thought I would have less love for her. I explained that this was not the case and i was likely to have more time and love for her, plus someone else to love her. Also I explained that I was no longer going to live like a nun having done do for 6 years for their benefit (in part). They could accept the current partner who I love and is lovely to them or they could take the next one but they couldn't stop me having a life.

They have found their own path to their own relationship now.

For us this has marked an interesting point in all our relationships. Facts of life and contraception have been discussed in rather a lot of detail as they were concerned about more kids.

If you explain that she can't have friends or play with anyone but you I think she'll get your point.

I agree with you, very much so.

I have always put her first, i am still doing so but ive waited a very long time to meet someone, and im not giving that up because she is upset that ive seen him when shes not even around.

i have tried to explain to her that its unfair, and that everyone else around has someone, and that her daddy had someone from the very first weekend he had her on his own and that i have waited years and years.

I think she knows its not logical, and i can see its not really upsetting her that much, if it was she would have jumped at the chance of spending time with me last night, instead of ditching me for her friends :)

Ive also explained to her that she will always come first and we will always be a team, and it might be that shes just putting that to the test a little bit.

Totally agree with Wallypops I think your dd just needs time to process what's happening and see that this one person does not = a wholesale change in their life.

You sound like a fab Mum.

I agree with Wally too. It's very understandable given it's been you two for so long. You just need to keep reassuring her but at the same time let her know that you are still in control. You sound very lovely op! I'm sure you are a great mum.

Thanks, I expected to get roasted and a ton of posters telling me i should immediately dump him and i was a bad parent for even thinking of having a boyfriend.

it is very understandable, and im sure if it was the other way round, i might be feeling the same too. It has just been us two for a very long time, and we have a very close relationship because of it.

Im not in any hurry to change anything and im very protective of my own space too, its not something im racing into and i have no desire to be seeing him everynight, and my time with DD is very important to me. I even told him that, that i needed someone who respected that and wouldnt have issue with it.

I think she just needs more time, which is fine with me.

I don't have any experience on this, but I really hope that you pulled her up on her comments about;

^she can't understand why I just don't sit at home on my own and wait for her, or, I can do housework.

I've tried being logical and explaining that's not very nice for me, and she sees friends and dies things or does things with her daddy when I'm not about, but she says that's different.

I've also said that when she sees her daddy his gf and now wife is always there and she said she didn't care about that as it's not even the same.^

Of course you love your daughter, and of course you have put her first for a long time. But it's not right that she is beginning to expect you to always take a backseat to her preferences. I think there is a balance between reassuring her that you love her, and you finding a new partner is a wonderful thing, and pressing the point that your needs and right to happiness are not less important than other people's.

I think she expects it as thats how it has always been.
Ive always put her first.
ive never got babysitters when its been my weekend with her, as i thought that would make me a crap parent as i only get every other weekend with her, and have to work sundays to boot.

Ive never had boyfriends, ive kept all my adult socalising away from her, shes never seen me drunk.

ive only had friends with children around her.

Im very independent, we do a lot of stuff just us, lots of things that even adults are ' god, i dontknow how you do it' type things.

I think adults too just saw me as a seperate entity.

I did say to her that its not fair to expect that of me, and we have had a fair few chats about it. I did get cross when she got upset about us planning a day out to an adult event ( that sounds porny, haha, its not, its a wine tasting day) when shes at school. I said she has gone to lots of things with her daddy or my family when im at work, and this is only the same, and she just shook her head and cried. I suspect she was fake crying a bit too. But, shes going to have to lump it, she is at school, it has no impact on her at all.

Not much advice to give but I'm reading with interest as I'm going through a divorce and am now on my own with dd aged 6 and can see this situation occurring for us in a couple of years. On the flip side of that I have also been in a similar position to your dd - when I was the same age I had very similar changes happen in my life (house move, school move, new partners for parents) and it was difficult to deal with to the point of getting extremely anxious that something would happen to my mum if I wasn't with her! Obviously as an adult you can rationalise things but as a child it can be overwhelming to deal with lots of changes at once even if they're handled well.

Sorry it's not much help but I think it's natural that your dd feels this way and will get better with time - I remember feeling left out when my mum and her boyfriend were together at first, it will take time for her to see where she fits in to this new dynamic.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with her x