Absolutely devastated, think wife's cheating.

[confusedhusband1973]

Hi there, new to this site, so please bear with me.
Been married to my wife for 8 years, have a daughter 12 & a boy 7. Anyway today i picked up the ipad at home and saw a message from one of the wifes ex colleagues which read "I really need/want to see you, I miss you in every way".
I text the number back saying "why the F**K are you texting my wife saying that you miss her in every way? WTF is/was going on with you two?"
To which he replied "nothing is going on, i miss a lot of my old friends after not seeing them for 2 years, he didn't even ask who i was and when i tried calling the number he wouldn't answer!
I'm on nights at the moment but i have packed my bags and won't be returning for a few days, i need time to think, i feel sick with it and if she is/was cheating i will not be going back, that is for certain.
My wife hasn't tried to ring me since i've been at work but her mum tried calling me before, which i ignored. I am a mess at the moment and i don't want to leave my kids as i love them so much, please help me i just don't know what to do.

Poor you, that must have been a horrible shock to find.
You need to speak to your wife asap. What you've found is suspicious, but it definitely isn't damning proof of an affair. You need to hear her side of it.
If she is cheating, you're giving her more time to concoct a story.
If she isn't, then she'll be confused and hurt.
Either way you need to get to the bottom of it.
At the moment you have no evidence of any reciprocal feelings on your wife's part, and you're probably driving yourself crazy imagining different scenarios.
The best and only thing you can do is to speak to her.

Had your wife even replied to the message? Its possible he is just a lonely old man or a stalker or anything.

And youve just upped and left. She didnt respond.

Thanks for the reply, a couple of years ago i confronted her about some texts off this same guy and she made excuses about them saying that they were just colleagues, i saved the number under a different name in my phone and it has synced onto the ipad hence it showing on the ipad under her messages.
It seems that maybe there was something going on then and maybe even now, am going to stay away for a few days (which will tear me apart not seeing the kids) as don't think that i can handle the confrontation/truth of it and i need to prepare myself, just can't believe that she would do this as we have a great life (or so i thought), great jobs, kids, house, everything that anyone could ever want.
She hasn't tried to contact me tonight, which she always does when i'm on nights, so i am really fearing the worst.
I'm a very strong person and this has knocked me for 6, and i know even if she has been fooling around i will just walk away and be the best father that i can to my 2 beautiful babies. Why do people do things like this, can't get my head around it!

Perhaps your wife feels lonely due to your night work, and for some, they think an affair, though this could be more of an EA than anything (emotional affair), or as other posters say, a random loner down on his luck. Most people having affairs cover their tracks, so this guy doesn't seem bright sending a text to her ipad. The fact the other guy responded straight away and said he missed old colleagues (perhaps he moved to a new job and that went belly up as well)... I myself wouldn't get into a war of words by text message, so could understand why he wouldn't pick up his phone.

Doesn't justify what they are doing but you not talking and packing your bags in red mist and suspicion (while she was out ) might drive her into his arms now. Perhaps she felt scared to talk to you, or she was calling, worried from her mum's house. How will she explain to the kids where Dad is right now?

Seems a lot to sacrifice without proof, IMHO.

Try to talk to her and find out what the deal is. The message does sound suspect, but you need proof first. See what mum in law has to say. Time to face the music, I'm afraid.

Sorry, X post...

If she is trying to avoid you that's not a good sign. Go home and talk. Leave work and go and talk to her. Can't you minicab in the day instead of nights?

Thanks for the reply, I only do 7 nights a month so that can't be the reasoning, i'm an operations manager so even when i'm on nights i get to nip home quite often.
I really think that she is at it tbh, i will speak to her later on but am going to stay at a hotel for a few days, i really need to calm down, my stomach is churning at the thought of her having an affair, the message was sent to her phone number and the ipad mirrors this if she's signed into it.

MrBuscuits If the op upping & leaving for a few days 'drives her into his (the OM) arms' that IS NOT op's fault.

The cheated on partner is NOT to blame for an affair.

There are far too many anomalies with your posts.

You have a 'daughter' and a 'boy'? You have disappeared immediately upon quite tentative 'evidence'. Your over-use of the / kind of misleads about the nature/tone of the message described.

I may be being particularly harsh here (and I apologise if I am), but your language use kind of betrays you as someone who is ridiculously insecure as a direct result of your own (perhaps historic) behaviour.

I'm thinking you're not quite as lily white as you're trying to portray.

Perhaps she is not so much trying to avoid you, as appreciating some space.

If you are (understandably) so upset that you feel you cannot have a calm discussion, then I agree with staying away until you have got your head together. Is there someone else you can talk it out with?

The fact that she hasn't tried calling you is (to me) NOT a good sign. If it were me and I was innocent, I'd have at least left a message or texted you by now, even if to proclaim my innocence, say I understand it looks 'fishy', and express a wish to talk it out when you are calmed down. Silence, in this case, is not golden.

I hope this is a misunderstanding based on a former colleague's ill-chosen words, but I do doubt it. I just can't imagine anyone sending such a message to any former colleague just because they missed hanging out with them!

MrBuscuits - some of your post seems to be blaming the OP

Perhaps your wife feels lonely due to your night work, and for some, they think an affair, though this could be more of an EA than anything

If OP feels he needs to take some time out, then it is highly unlikely his DW will run into this 'texters' arms.

I am sorry you have found this OP and understand your anger, pain and confusion. If you feel you need to take a few days out then that is what you have to do. No matter what has happened though, I would tell your wife where you are and when you will be back so she can function with the DCs. It's important to do that as your DCs are school age and will need something said to them so they don't worry.

FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing but be careful not to let your imagination of what might have happened eat you up.

I hope it's just a chancer who got a bit familiar by text, after all, your wife didn't reply did she?

I wish you strength.

Bit harsh 2retts. It's understandable that OP may be somewhat addled about his discovery which could result in a somewhat emotional and 'not well worded' post.

I am fed up of people picking up on how a thread is composed and to question a man on his own infidelity where on earth has that come from?! Very harsh and judgemental post.

My early posts after discovering my H's affair were not worded well because I was in shock. Thank goodness people gave me support rather than question my own loyalty.

You say nothing of how your relationship is generally. Are you a jealous person? Is she?

I only ask as I am in the process of ending a marriage with a jealous/insecure man. In the early days I would argue with his accusations and beg and plead my innocence, but as time went on I realised that all I could do was live my life. As long as I knew I had not behaved in a disrespectful way, I tried to not engage when he read way too much into a situation.

The only reason I say this is, if I was your wife and you went to work having packed a bag, and I knew I was innocent, I may well ignore you a let you get on with it as nothing I said would make any difference anyway.

Why have you left and packed a bag before you've even spoken to your wife?

I had a stalker. He would have sent messages like that to me and I can assure you they DEFINITELY weren't wanted or reciprocated (I was single at the time but the point still stands)

handful I'm not directly blaming the OP, but from the outside looking in, whatever has occurred (if due to lack of communication or work pattern, over the course of time, or as more likely some random saddo who used to work with DW ) upping and going, taking time out to think etc without any discussion why to DW would seem drastic and hard to understand. If I have ever peed my DW off, I would know very soon via text, phone call, argument when I got in where information (albeit badly) would be exchanged. To give an example If you were out driving one day and a police van pulled you over, the officer tasered you, bundled you into the back of the van, took you straight to prison without trial or any explanation, you would be bewildered and peed off at the least

It just seems odd, as a lurker to MN I have always read of the women leaving, kicking other halves out etc after discovering 'wankbadger of a DP / DH' (seems most popular description in use here ) has been up to no good... rarely the men would voluntarily leave with no explanation. If the house is rented, fair enough, don't pay and disappear, but what of the impact of the kids who wonder where dad has gone first thing in the morning?

We all do things in haste and rage (smashing a phonebox or bus shelter I find is very cathartic ) but after the dust settles OP should at least return and ask wifey WTAF is going on? If not going home then even ask mum in law what the hell is going on?

OP - I am going to be honest - I don't think you are handling this well at ALL.

That's not a judgement, I know you're upset, but from what you have said on here, you are overreacting hugely.

The text - yes, the text was a bit weird. But it wasn't particularly damning. It doesn't "prove" anything, other than the fact that this guy is pretty creepy.

He specifically said when you called him out on it "I miss a lot of my friend that I haven't seen in two years". The last time you reference them texting was two years ago. And the text you saw today doesn't seem to imply that they have been in contact since then - it doesn't start half way through a conversation. It's creepy, but not super familiar. It seems more like someone contacting another person out of the blue.

What were the texts 2 years ago like? Was there anything in them which showed your wife was encouraging this at all? It is entirely possible that this man used to just be a colleague that had a crush on her, and was a bit creepy. It doesn't mean that she played along with it at all (unless you saw otherwise).

I find it extremely odd that you would storm out of the house before even raising the issue with your wife.