so hurt

[youshatteredmyheart]

I am looking for advice on how to handle this. I'm a independant and strong woman with a good job and was happy at how my life was going.
I met met my dp 6 years ago. Both late 30's.As I have a child from a previous relationship I wanted to make sure he was right before I introduced him into our 'family'. It was a rocky start as he had a history of relationships based on lust and power and eventually cheating. He admits he met women for enjoyment/social. So when he met me he told me that he had finally realised what a good relationship meant. I continued with caution. After 2 years he finally met my child and they get on great. There was an understanding that we wouldn't live together unless we gotengaged. I had made mistakes in my past and I was going to ensure I didn'tmake any more.I had my child to think about. 2 years later I find a dating profile on our laptop. I was utterly heartbroken. He told me it was boredom that he felt at times when I wasn't around. I explained that to have a intense relationship like we had was on one had fantastic on the other hand we needed space to do our own things and I never once felt the need even in boredom to decide to open a dating account. he assured me he never met anyone and apologised for such a stupid mistake. During the next few years we both had careers that took off. Both supporting each other and being there for each other. I was the model girlfriend who never complained and supported 100%. I suspected that he wanted his ducks in a row before he wanted to get engaged.

You can imagine for the last while I felt itwas a great time to start to think about making it official. I dropped one hint. He laughed and told me to wait. I took this as a sign that he also was thinking it. I mean there were no signs of fear in his eyes. It has been 6 years and we know each other so well by now.
But today my instinct felt odd. I searched 4 dating sites today and found his profile on a dating site. I'm utterly heartbroken. I decided to once and for all find out what his state of mind was. I set up a profile and contacted him. Me obviously in my house and him in his. He responded and chatted to me. Albeit not particularly enthusiastic or flash with the chat up lines. I used every trick in the book but he was slow to respond, he did compliment my 'fake' appearance. I asked was he dating long and he said no. No dates yet. I asked him if he wantedto meet for a coffee on Sundayand he said he would see.
I finished the conversation and said i'd talk to him again.
I don't know what to do at thispoint. He thinks i'm at a pilates class tonite and most likely will text before bedtime. We are due to meet on Saturday as we have tickets for a show. I am heartbroken and disgusted at his weakness and his lack of respect for me.
Do I pretend nothing and go to the show and bring it up after and listen to his excuses? Then inform him it was me he was talking to? Does he even deserve a call to ask him to explain himself.
I know anyone caught will lie. But why lie to someone you say you love. just be honest with me.

You are lying too if you don't talk to him about the fact you have found out. Confront him, you deserve more than this. What are you trying to find out? Is it not bad enough he remains on there, or will you forgive him if he hasn't met anyone. Are you testing him to see if he will meet your fake profile?

Personally, I'd print his profile and show him it when you next see him.

Firstly, he may have chatted with you but he clearly wasn't interested in acting on it. He may only have the profile to reassure himself that he still "has it".

However, it doesn't take 6 years to "get your ducks in a row". He hasn't proposed because he likes the status quo & doesn't want to get married (to you). If marriage and living with your partner/husband is important to you, it might be worth stepping back here a little.

You have separate homes and are financially independent. He is disrespecting you. What do you hope/think he will say? Will you ever believe and trust him in future? This is the 2nd time he has done this, that you know of.

I honestly think this is over. You were absolutely right with your instinct to err on the side of caution. I just don't think you're going to come back from this.

If I was you I would actually meet up for the coffee on Sunday as the fake date! Have your coffee, explain he can F off and you never want to see him ever again.

Relationships are based on love, respect and trust. Without all three in tact your doomed to a relationship that lacks the basics.

leopards don't change their spots.
I was in a relationship with a serial cheater once. I never took it further than FWB because I knew he would cheat on me too - and he did.

Oh my god OP tell the prick to get to fuck, but before you do print off his profile and hand it to him as pp suggested.

Print off his profile. Put it in an envelope and post it through his front door. Add to it that he can collect his things from yours at xxx time on xxx day. Make arrangements to collect your stuff if any.

Don't go anywhere with him, he will talk you round - again, like he has done in the past, he's the kind of man that wants his cake and like his ego stroke, it wasn't just out of boredom, he's actively looking to replace you at some point, what is there to talk about, the relationship is well and truly over, sorry for your bad news.

TBH if he's a power & lust type... Then he always will be. They get bored, they like to play. Fine for a clinch but not for marriage... Drop him fast. I think he's led you a merry dance already.

If you're at the point of making a fake profile to try and catch your bloke out then it's over anyway.

you said: I was the model girlfriend who never complained and supported 100%.

that sounds more like being the model labrador to me.

Thank you for your replies. I agree as an outsider looking in with all ofyou. however from inside with hurt feelings but also a love i had for him and a future i wanted, naturally there are confusing feelings and emotions at the moment. I met up with him this evening as we were due to go out. He came over and I sat him down and asked ifhe was happy. He said of course he was. I asked him if there anything he wanted to tell me. ( i do not want to shout and scream and show him print out). He replied he didn't have anything to tell me and what was this about. I told him that i valued honesty and trust in a relationship more than anything and my instinct tells me that he is not being honest. He of course turned it on me and that we have been under pressure with careers etc. and that we should have time away to relax and enjoy ourselves. I told him that because he hasnt' answered me truthfully I wouldn't be going away or continuing a relationship with him. he was angry and upset and asked what i was talking about. I asked him to leave and when he was leaving I told him that I wished him look with his dating sites. I could see the colour drain from his face. I closed the door calmly behind him. He has rung and texted me non stop for the last hour but i have not answered. I am of course upset and feel horrible and expect the next few days and weeks to get worse before they get better. I knew he would they and have some excuse so i didn't want to answer his calls.
I do believe people can change. I do believe people make mistakes. I do believe they can take situations for granted. But right now I am looking after me.
honeybadger i do find your comment a little harsh, there are times in a relationship where you have to suck it up and support your other half. While his career progressed he found it stressful and alot of pressure. during those times I never once pushed or nagged him for the considerable time and helped and supported. Yes possibly a little too helpful for my own good. But i was never a labrador or a doormat. I merely was explaining how my lack of attention and support would not have contributed to him feeling like he wasn't getting attention from his partner.

sorry it wasn't meant as an attack - i was worried you saw being a good partner as subjugating your own needs and feelings and that maybe you'd learnt some lessons about what being a 'model girlfriend' meant. i'm sorry you felt attacked.

honeyb i get you now. And believe it or not i understand where you're coming from. I do agree when one partner over compensates you sort of put your own needs or wants aside and excuse alot of their behaviour when you become a 'model girlfriend', stupid choice of wording but it was more meant in the fact that I really couldn't have been any more supportive and helpful and loving and kind to him that I was. I suppose I'm realising the fact that I was not to blame here. I have done everything I could in a relationship to make it work.

Good for you. I contacted my husband when he appeared on a dating site.

I printed off his details and posted them to the woman he was living with at the time whom he left me for with a smug smile of satisfaction.

No I didn't! That was just my fantasy but I certainly had a bit of fun with him!

I came across as so soooper sexy I could almost feel him salivating! He was working in another town and I kept suggesting we met up on a weekend knowing full well he couldn't. How I would have loved to have let her HER know. Our kids knew and thought it was hilarious! It just shows that while he was away he was up for anything yet he dragged his sorry ass back to HER on a weekend Glad to have a roof over his head and an ugly fucker like her in his bed. Any port in a storm!

Well done for showing him the door and kicking him to the kerb!

My experience shows a leopard doesn't change his spots.

Definitely go no contact. Men like him have. Degree in worming their way back in to a woman's affections . So protect yourself. Abstinence is the only way. Especially if you want to avoid years of heartache.

Sooty forgot to say I created a super sexy profile and contacted him on the site.

you could bend over backwards and twist yourself into knots and it wouldn't change things because this is about him not you. i'm really sorry it's turned out this way but for sure it is not your fault and you've given him loads. it just turns out in the end that he's not worth it.

i understand the need to feel you did everything you could - i once stayed with someone a full year after i should have left really but i needed to know i'd done and tried everything because i loved him i thought but maybe it was me re-enacting something or doing something 'bigger' with regard to my life story and psyche (who knows). anyway it was how i got out in the end because i knew i'd given him everything, no holds barred and it still wasn't enough to conquer his issues and so i was free. exhausted, wrung out and a bit dead inside but free.

i honestly wasn't trying to attack you.

(i feel the need to qualify that this was over a decade ago and before i became a mother. i wouldn't do it now. i also have the reality of having seen him run through several other young, very similar to me women and claim himself heart broken every time they finally, after 2 or 3 years of presumably similar banging head against wall hopefully, wake up and leave him)