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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How likely is it that my H would get the kids?

17 replies

Monny · 02/10/2014 22:00

Well, my H has just twigged that we have reached the point of no return. He said we'd be selling the house, that he hoped I was rich (he's the big earner and I am the SAH mum with a pathetic salary (and will lose that as I'll have to move in with my parents in another part of the country). He also said that he'd be having the kids 'at least' 50% of the time.

As to how I move out with the kids with a small salary, I have no idea. But is it in any way likely that he could have the kids more than 50% of the time? He's flummoxed by my youngest half the time...

What if he gave up his job? Would that affect things?

I have the feeling that he's planning something nasty...

Too many questions whizzing round my head.

OP posts:

wingcommandergallic · 02/10/2014 22:03

Get a solicitor and listen to them instead of your ex.

I suspect if you can't agree on custody, courts will look at continuity of care and what's best for kids.

susiedaisy · 02/10/2014 22:06

Write all these questions down and book to see a solicitor. They will usually give a free 30 minute session to begin with. Good luck

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 02/10/2014 22:06

Shared residence is what they try to go for these day I think - so yes, 50/50.

If you are a sahm and you are the main carer, there would be no reason that he would get the children more than 50% of the time.

It's probably just an empty threat to keep you in your place, as you can't just decide you want the childre more than half the time.

And realistically, would he want even 50%? Usually it seems not to be the case.

coalscuttle · 02/10/2014 22:08

And don't move out. You need a home for you and your children, if he doesn't want to live with you he cZn find alternative accommodation. The decision on what happens to the house and child care is not just his to make. You need to see a sol ASAP and ignore ignore ignore comments from your ex.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 02/10/2014 22:09

Yes and also get some advice. You may need to get a better job but if the house sells, you should get 50% of equity as you are married.

He should also pay maintenance but I understand 'should', doesn't always mean 'will'.

Whatever happens. You will get through this. I promise you.

ImperialBlether · 02/10/2014 22:13

I only know one family where it is strictly 50-50 and both are working full time in similar jobs.

Talk to a solicitor and listen to him/her. At the moment you are listening to your enemy and believing his threats.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/10/2014 22:26

A lot of guys who say they want 50 50 say it as a threat, once they are on their own with just their cock to keep they soon get bord and start letting the kids down. This was said by my Rottweiler of a solicitor she was bloody right

Finola1step · 02/10/2014 22:31

Talk to a solicitor. Call first thing tomorrow morning and make an appointment for ASAP.

FushandChups · 02/10/2014 22:41

I work, my exh was the sahp but we share our children 50/50 - thankfully for me, working does not mean you won't get equal time with your children. But it should be just that - equal - and wouldn't be decided on one party's say so! If he is willing to change his life to make room and time for his children, you will probably need to accept they will be spending a lot of their time away from you which was the hardest thing for me - but they do have a right to a relationship with their father. Only you know how likely he will be to genuinely take them on - and not just to spite you!

Good luck

susiedaisy · 03/10/2014 07:48

Guilty. I agree. Often this thing about "I will fight to get the kids" is said as a threat just to upset the mother. In practice the father rarely gives up his job or drops down to part time and becomes the full time resident parent.

JabberJabberJay · 03/10/2014 07:58

Stay calm OP. You must 1) See a good family solicitor at once and get legal advice. 2) Remain in the marital home. He cannot force you to leave and if you are married it is as much your home as his. 3) Stop listening to his nasty threats. He can mouth off all he likes but the law doesn't just award residency to he who shouts loudest. Many men threaten their wives with 'taking away the kids' to cower and frighten them. Don't let him succeed.

lavenderhoney · 03/10/2014 08:05

Don't answer when he spouts this shit, just say " we will have to agree to something, certainly, but let me think about what I want as well"
Write down all his threats and keep all emails. Certainly don't agree to anything, or disagree until you have spoken to a lawyer and keep to this approach.

See a lawyer at once. Don't move out and don't do things at speed. ESP if he wants to.

He's angry and trying to scare you.

bustrainwalkwalk · 03/10/2014 08:06

He's unlikely to get majority residency given that you are a SAHM and therefore have been the main carer.

Don't leave the house. If you get majority residency he'll have a hard time getting you out to sell it. You'll likely be able to keep it and live there until you gets is 16 but chances are you'll have to be able to pay the mortgage yourself (if there is one).

Working full time doesn't mean he won't get Shared Residency. That doesn't have to mean equal time but it could.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2014 09:27

Another one urging you to get proper legal advice and do nothing in haste. Your lives are going to change when you get divorced but, as a married woman with children, you're probably in a stronger position than you think. Get all the information around you and then go into mediation armed with the facts.... not the threats and misinformation of a man backed into a corner.

Good luck

micah · 03/10/2014 09:34

Lawyer.

Don't move out. If you move back with your parents you are considered "housed". He will have a hard time legally forcing you out if you can't afford to house yourself independently.

If you can ring banks, explain the situation, and get them to freeze any saving or joint accounts. It's not unknown to be awarded a share of savings only to find the account cleared.

If it helps my DH genuinely wanted main custody of his children. He went to a solicitor to see about starting legal proceedings, but was told unless he could prove her unfit (as in drink, drugs, abuse etc, serious stuff) he stood absolutely no chance unless she agreed to it.

Preciousbane · 03/10/2014 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Monny · 08/10/2014 22:14

Hello, just wanted to say a huge sorry for not replying to all your messages until now. My H came in to apologise and make peace after his rant and I had to hide my screen, etc. and then life, kids and lurgies took over.

I think you are right - he was definitely out to scare me (a tactic he regularly uses). Anyway, I will sit tight, gather all the info. and then a solicitor. I can't stay in this marriage which can only be described as emotionally abusive.

OP posts:

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