How do you break up with someone?!

[Doobiedoobedoobie]

I just lost my entire post so I'm going to keep this one short!

Basically, have been seeing a lovely guy for almost 6 months. He's great, there's lots of chemistry, he's generous, sweet and just genuinely a really nice bloke. But, I'm not convinced it's really going anywhere, we seem to be sailing which at first was fine but I'm not really developing any strong feelings for him. Plus, while I was happy going slow and seeing what happened, I've been in hospital almost a week and he was unable to visit me and hasn't rung me since I was discharged yesterday etc. This is more complicated than him being a dick (which he really isn't), he's a single dad with full custody, works long hours etc but it's made me realise that even if I'm not in a position to have a full on relationship ATM, I'm not that sure I want a half hearted one either.

So... What do I say/ do?! I've never broken up with anyone before beyond those brave younger days of tailing off contact and hoping for the best and tbh no-ones ever broken up with me either so I'm at a loss as to what to do as, like I say, he's a really nice guy, but it's not going anywhere.

Do I have to do it in person? Over the phone? I'm terribly socially awkward so will be crap at it anyway

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Meet up with him, explain how you feel.

after 6 months I think in person is best. consider what you want to say, and engineer a meeting that you can both easily exit. I think kindness is important and it sounds like you are a kind person who will be nice not vile at the end. some people really are quite horrid but I live by the do as you would be done by school of thought

on a separate note, how did you manage not to chuck and get chucked? lucky you

Do it in person. Anything else is a cowards way out, hurtful and shows you up to be a right shit.

Sit down somewhere public but private - a park or something. Explain how you are feeling, what you want and how you feel that it's not going to happen with him. Be clear that it's not his fault, it's nothing he'd done or said, it's just that feel you are wasting both your times and it's not fair to string him along. You'd be selfish to keep this going when you don't really feel anything like you should be and he deserves to find someone who will make him happy and IS happy with him without wanting more.

You tell him everything you just told us. In person.

Best of luck!

I think I'd be really crap at this face to face. Plus, I'd find it very difficult not to then sleep with him and I'm guessing shagging someone then dumping them may be bad etiquette

I don't know how I've never had the conversation tbh! Things have always just fizzled out really naturally, one long term relationship we knew was going to end as we both moved away and the other was my marriage which obviously took months of conversations/ soul searching.

Okay! right, face to face it is. But oh how AWKWARD! I can't tell you how socially inept I am at the best of times, this gives me The Fear.

What, you just arrange a date as normal but know you're planning to break up with them that night?!

Maybe you can use your week in hospital as a lead in.

"while I was in hospital and had a lot of time to think, and I felt like it was a good thing that I wasn't missing you. You weren't with me and that's ok, but I didn't need you there either. I don't feel like my full heart's in the relationship. It's been very pleasant"

None of that is personal. It won't hurt his ego too much I hope.

Apart from one time, when I was so in love with the guy I was orbiting earth, I've always been the one to end things. It was so painful I ended up on anti-depressants, I lost a stone, I contemplated going back to live with my parents (at 29!) and I nearly lost my job. Since then 14 years later, I've broken it off four times. I wonder if I subconsciously seek out relationships where I'm loved more than I love. I don't know. It's not like I have a queue of people behind me or anyything. So I'm not sure that theory flies!

That's why you do this in a park, somewhere public. Say your bit, make sure he's ok, then get up and leave.

Tell him you need to talk and to meet you where ever at such and such a time.

DO NOT make it out to be a date.

Would a pub be okay? We can only really meet at night. But the thing is, we always kind of plan what to do in advance as we get such little time together anyway and I'll feel like a bitch agreeing to do pub/ dinner/ Sunday morning papers when I know what I'm planning. I know this all sounds like excuses, I'm just trying to get things straight in my head otherwise I obsess and panic over them

I do really like that opening gambit though botoxed, thank you... Will rehearse it lots!

Doobie, I completely GET it though.

I was seeing a guy two years ago (not the one I jsut ended it with, that was harder) and I felt like ... right, the novelty factor isnt carrying me forward any more. I have my job, I have shopping to do, cooking, washing, tidying up, supervising homework and now............ fitting in dates with this guy as well!! and so I realised, I wanted to end it because I felt busy. It's not that I wasn't happy enough to see him. I remember when he used to pick me up I'd be happy to go out for the evening with him but I used to feel (duringn the day) that it was one more thing to do.. I knew that I wouldn't have felt like that if it had been something more real. I couldn't picture us surviving any challenge, or living together. After six months, yyou have to say to yourself, no, I won't waste my own time (or his).

Okay! sorry, I'm a very slow typer

The problem with that is that we both have full time custody of our kids so there's no 'popping out' or anything, hence why we're sailing along so slowly as we barely get a chance to see each other as it is!

Maybe I could ask a friend to babysit for an hour and ask to pop over to his once his DC are in bed? It's not neutral ground but at least I can leave him after in his own space.

I think a pub is fine. Not a restaurant. Pub perfect.

It's hard to know whether to give a great big smile when you see him. Or a 'measured' smile!

Having just been dumped, I would say be clear and firm, but kind and try to make clear WHY you are making the decision.

My ex messed me around with 'Needing space' and then claimed he thought I had ended it when I was waiting for him to make a decision. And he's still not really given me a reason, which is very painful. And don't go in for trite comments. Hearing 'I'm sorry it didn't work out' was really hurtful. I'd rather he'd said 'I'm sorry for hurting you.'

That would work. If your friend would babysit. Then you can go back and crack open a bottle of wine!!

If he has to arrange a babysitter to go out, and then pay her/him only to go out, get dumped and then come home and pay the babysitter.......................... :-/ with her thinking "dumped were ya?" that'd be less than ideal for him.

But look, you can't micro manage that! I shouldn't even have said that. I was joking.

I would just tell him the truth - that he's a great guy but you haven't developed the sort of feelings that you need for a relationship. If need be, be cruel to be kind and cut off contact. Make sure that he knows there's no changing your mind so that he can move on.

ottilieknackered I just had to end it with a man about ten days ago. And I gave him the exact reason I was ending it but he just didn't absorb it. It was very hard. I can see why people stick to cliches. Also, it's just one person's opinion, so i don't know if there's any point laying a perceived subjective list of character flaws at somebody else's feet. ykwim

It doesn't have to be character flaws, though. It can be 'I don't love you anymore' or 'we're both too busy'. It's really, really cruel not to give any explanation. As the dumper you owe the dumpee some kind of closure (abuse etc aside).

I am in the same boat I think. Been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months and he is a great guy, DS loves him, but I just have this nagging feeling it isn't right.
Unfortunately I said I loved him as he said it and I thought I did. I definitely thought I was feeling it but always had this niggly feeling then we went on holiday last week and I just couldn't wait for time on my own when we got back.
To complicate things, he lost his job yesterday so I was all set to tell him then just couldn't.
Anyway, good luck! It's rubbish breaking up with people :(

I was in this situation earlier this year and felt dreadful about it (and very nauseous in the run up to having the conversation). It's horrid, especially when they've not done anything wrong.

I thought carefully in advance about the reasons I would give so as not to dent his confidence, and thought about the best place to talk to him to make it as easy on him as possible. Because I wasn't sure how upset he'd be I decided that his place was best as that way he had a quick escape. I arranged to meet him to 'talk' so he knew something was up and I said 'I'm very sorry but I just don't feel the same about you as you do about me which is such a shame because you are a wonderful guy' or something along those lines.

I expected him to ask for further reasons but he didn't. I think he was a bit shocked and just didn't know what to say (which made it a lot easier for both of us than it might have been!).

It's so difficult, but it's one of those things you just have to make yourself do, and the sooner the better.