to not love my baby.

[desperatedoll]

I don't think I'm depressed. I have a lot of really really serious things going on in my life though. I have a toddler from a previous relationship. Dp is the only dad he's known from the start. We planned this pregnancy. I'm only early on 10 weeks. We had a private scan and everything was fine I just can't get excited about it.

There's been so much bad stuff going on, I said to dp this morning that I'd been thinking about an abortion, he said he was leaving if I did that, that he would be gone because "he couldn't love a woman who murders her children".

That's cut me so deep. I was anti abortion myself until I left my violent partner and felt like I had no choice. I had told him about this when we got together, right at the beginning that I had had one before, just in case he was someone who had those views so for him to say it now cuts so deep. He's gone to work. I don't know what to do. Everything's fallen apart

Oh you poor thing. Look, at 10 weeks I didn't 'love' either of my DC either. Actually, I didn't love them until they were born. I loved the idea of them, but personally I can't love someone I don't know. So on that front I wouldn't worry.

As for all the other stuff going on in your life, do you have someone you can confide in? You sound really isolated and sad. Can you confide in your mum, sister, aunt, cousin, friend? If not, please go and see your GP and see if they can refer you for antenatal counselling.

Your DP is a pig for making you feel bad about your previous abortion. What does he know about the situation you were in? Nothing. So please don't take his horrible comments to heart and just look after yourself.

doll, don't make any decisions right now, but please do find someone irl to talk to (GP, MW, HV?). You are full of hormones and it sounds like you are going through a lot of other stress, give yourself a bit of a break. Your partner is probably worried about you, but you two need to talk regardless of what you decide to do now, and he needs to give you some support. It may be worth reporting your thread and asking it to be moved to relationships, as there is fantastic support there - this sounds bigger than your pregnancy and feelings around it. You don't have to be happy to be pregnant, but having planned it you probably need to figure out why you aren't.

Thank you so much for replying. I don't have anyone to confide in really.
I'm really scared to talk to midwife or he or anybody like that. We have social services involvement because dcs biological father was so abusive to both me and dc when I was pregnant. He's all about putting out a respectful appearance and I'm petrified that If I admit to anybody that I'm not coping, that he would play it like I wasn't a fit parent either and he would get access. He had it for literally a few weeks when dc was born and he abused dc. I'm just so scared.

I certainly didn't 'love' my son either at 10 weeks. It wasn't until halfway through my pregnancy that I really started to bond with him. I can remember being really scared how I would cope, worried about money, worried about change in lifestyle, work. I think it's very normal.

Try not to think of it as 'not coping', doll. It's a case of needing support, but frankly, who doesn't?! Pregnancy is amazing, but it can also be hard and stressful and exhausting. It's normal to need a bit of a shoulder to lean/cry on sometimes.

If you talk to a medical professional, remember that you can expect them to uphold doctor/patient confidentiality. Your MW should be able to refer you to a specialist ante-natal MH team, who will have had tons of experience dealing with people with similar worries/fears to yours.

Corpore is right. There must be a reason why you're having doubts about a planned pregnancy, and I don't think it has anything to do with you loving the baby or not. You're only ten weeks; the pregnancy doesn't even feel real at this point. That's normal.

FWIW I'm six weeks pregnant myself, with my second child. Planned as well. I feel totally detached right now. I think it's because I've done it before and the novelty has gone. First time around I was even happy to be feeling nauseous! This time around I'm so tired from looking after a three year old, I just want to stay in bed all day. Please don't second guess yourself all the time, thinking you should be feeling a certain way.

Is it more a case of you doubting whether your relationship is happy and stable enough to bring another child into. You said there's been a lot of bad stuff going on: between the two of you, or life generally?

I felt less loved up the second time, I think it is normal. First baby, you love the idea of a baby and everything they might be. Then you meet an actual little person. The second time I was much more aware that I didn't know the baby yet, could see how little the scans had shown me regarding the wonderful, complex little person I could actually see. Once DC2 arrived, it was just as lovely, honestly.

It doesn't sound like the baby is the real problem though, what else is upsetting you?

Although he has a right to object to you aborting the baby it is ultimately your decision. And saying you would be "murdering" your child is like he is comparing aborting a pregnancy to you murdering your toddler - that's absolutely ridiculous! It is especially mean as he knows you have had an abortion in horrible circumstances in the past. I would be very angry with him if he was my DP.

You need to get support from somebody else if he's going to be like that. Could you get some antenatal councelling? Surely social services would see that as a positive as you are actively seeking the support you need and it doesn't affect your parenting of your toddler?

My pregnancy was planned but I'm not enjoying it. I'm 18 weeks, had some horrible symptoms and bleeding on and off causing worry and I don't yet feel a connection with the baby. I'm having a stressful time at work and got some financial worries. But I'm sure the connection will form later in pregnancy and if not then I will definitely connect with my new born. So I wouldn't worry that you don't yet feel love for the baby.

Doll, I tried for years to get pregnant so dd was very much wanted but when it happened I was filled with lots of doubts and concerns that lasted for months. Hated being pregnant and had a horrible pregnancy so didn't bond then.
After she was born I felt awe, fascination (and tiredness ) but the rush of love didn't hit until she was about 3 weeks old.
She's 4 now and the light of my life.

No one is going to judge you for not feeling it right now. Pregnancy isn't always hearts and flowers and real life is still there with all its problems.
Telling someone in your life may help.

Congratulations and I'm sure you will fall head over heels. X

Steady, OP, letting it out on here is a good start, now you need to talk very honestly to your midwife.

You were candid with your DP when you met him, so he knew your history, he valued you and wanted to be a family with you and your toddler. Maybe he made that remark this morning possibly from shock/hurt you might be contemplating termination. A knee jerk comment in the heat of the moment, thinking of himself for that moment.

Remember asking for support is the last thing an 'unfit' parent does. It shows you are worried for more than just yourself.

Along with the intensity of physical changes there are hormonal changes and all the memories of your previous pregnancy and vulnerability when with a nasty ex. Very normal to have doubts and anxieities even when free of that kind of earlier experience.