Am I just being weird?

[Arainyday]

My DH is moody when he's tired and will be completely short tempered if I try to talk to him as I'm getting ready for bed, if he's already in bed. He feels his sleep is very important and even if he's just turned the light out, so is obviously not asleep yet, he will be quite rude if I talk to him as he says it disturbs his sleep.

He went to bed at 10pm and I followed an hour later. Normally I'm only about 15 minutes behind him as I have to wash off make up etc. But tonight I remembered I was due for my fortnightly laser treatment so stayed up until 11 to sort that out.

Just gone midnight I was woken suddenly to feel my DH pulling the duvet off me and squeezing my breast closest to him. I woke with a shock and involuntarily and sharply raised my hand closest to him, I suppose as a protective mechanism. I've recently broken that arm so it really hurt to move so quickly, which made me yelp in pain.

DH said he didn't hurt my hand and I explained that it was my sudden movement that hurt; but what on earth was his doing? He said he was only half asleep and turned over in a strop. I can only imagine he wanted sex or was dreaming, both of which I've never experienced with him in all the years we've been together.

I felt violated though and wanted to cry. I also felt angry that he felt it is ok for him to wake me out of my sleep in the middle of the night, when he gives me such a hard time for even talking after 10pm! I rationalised my emotions as being due to my sexual abuse as a child, and was a bit autopsies at my own strength of reaction.

But it made me wonder if such strength of feeling is so misguided? It feels like what he did was wrong although I'm sure many people would laugh and tell me how lucky I am to be woken for sex. I just don't feel it in this instance and am confused as to why not.

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

I don't see how you can differentiate between "unconscious" and asleep. When you are asleep, you are not conscious. The law recognises this btw.

Look, for some people they might not mind their DP pulling the duvet off them and groping them whilst they are asleep. The OP felt weirded out and violated. That is totally her prerogative, and she is not overreacting or being unreasonable.

Alot of this will depend on context. She might not have minded if it was the morning and they were both half asleep. She clearly feels differently her being totally out for the count and her husband being clearly awake.

I understand that it's totally the OP's perception and reaction that matters.

I was slightly taken aback at the cries of 'assault' from those who weren't there.

Speaking for one of those who weren't there, I'm going by the OP starting a fred about being groped in her sleep as indication she didn't consent, and that it does bother her.

A hell of a lot less of a logical leap than "it doesn't bother me, therefore it's not assault".

Hope this helps.

None of us were there. We only have the OP's description and perception of events to go on. Based on that, I thought, and still think, it was an assault. She describes, waking with a shock and instinctively raising a hand to protect herself. She was caused pain, and felt violated. Rather than the immediate apology that would follow if any decent man accidentally caused his partner to feel like that, his response was to turn away in a huff. That is very different to gently trying to initiate sleepy sex!

i think groping your boob in the night is pretty normal, but i think his attitude afterwards is weird, plus his attitude to you disturbing him at night is really bizarre

Sorry, Branleuse, but "normal" is a bit of a loaded word. I have no idea what the statistics are on women who are OK with getting groped while they sleep, but that's the point: I don't know, and I think you don't either.

And, OP, I hadn't said this before (sort of following on from Branleuse's other point), I actually didn't disagree with your DH's stance on discussions just before bedtime. Might not be for the same reason - mine's because I've had sleep issues and been fretful about things. DP has had to learn not to start talking finances or similar before bed.

But that's all an aside. What rankles of course is the double-standards - why does he get to have unbroken sleep and you don't?

Hope you're OK.