new partner previously abused - very upsetting

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I have recently started a relationship after being single for 6 months.

On every level we are compatible and things are progressing naturally and slowly. I really care about him and he has confided in me that his last relationship was incredibly toxic. He married her and she was incredibly controlling and abusive throughout. He says that looking back the signs were there from early on.

This evening he told me some things that have really made my blood run cold. That he was was so enraged at her accusations and during extremely heated arguements he would self harm with knives and she would laugh at him and say he was weak and pathetic.

He wasn't allowed to speak to his family if she wasn't there or buy his own clothing for example. I have read and studied domestic abuse so know what can happen but to have someone you care about telling you these things has really upset me.

He is now divorced and has been single for two years. He has also had counselling. I'm the first person he's been close to since it all ended.

I just feel completely drained. How do I support him? We see each other once a week overnight due to work commitments and because we want to take things slowly.

How long have you been together? Taking things slowly makes sense. It must be a big step for him to begin trusting women again.

My main concern would be that he hadn't worked through issues as much as he perhaps needs. Hard to tell without knowing the context in which he told you. For support, to unburden himself, or simply because he believed you should know eventually and now was an appropriate time?

Essentially if you feel you may become his counsellor- remove yourself. It's not your job and it wouldn't be fair on him and will destroy the relationship. If you and he feel that he has resolved many of the issue/attitudes/beliefs that preceded and were resultant of his abusive relationship then although upsetting I would try not to dwell on this too much and appreciate the gesture of being so honest and vulnerable with you.

I hope that makes sense.

FWIW I would be very upset by it also. I came across the term "compassion fatigue" today. Entirely different context but it resonates. The health of those whose jobs are very emotionally involved or care-orientated can really take a hit because of the compassion they are relentlessly required to show. It is one thing being paid for that...quite another to live it! In fact that was what the article was about. The lack of self care people afford themselves when their lives require such exceptional levels of compassion.

I think my response has been a bit useless. I'm limited by the fact I haven't experienced an abusive relationship so cant imagine how he feels (beyond guessing) and also because I dont know how long you've been together and therefore whether this seems like a natural step of transparency between you or unhealthy emotional offloading.

You have a private message OP.

Thank you so much for the wonderful responses. We have been dating for 5 weeks (daily contact) and I think it was/is a healthy sharing based on trust. He said he wanted me to know why he was taking things slow and that as I'm the first woman he has allowed himself to get close to since it all ended he wanted me to know what he'd been through. He is very aware of upsetting me through this sharing and keeps reiterating that this is his 'problem' and he doesn't want to burden me. He doesn't mention anything unless prompted by me and we have talked for hours about our shared interests. The conversations regarding what he has experienced are very limited but I can tell my reaction to the disclosures mean a lot to him.

I really struggle to comprehend how one human could do this to another.

I'm sorry but I am very suspicious of this person's motives for telling you such a harrowing tale at this stage. It would have been enough to say that he had had bad experiences in the past and leave it there rather than expect you to take this very personal and very disturbing information on the chin. The early days of dating are meant to be light-hearted and fun as you get to know each other.... You're not a counsellor or a trained therapist.

I am worried that you now feel a sense of obligation to him being placed, as you have been, in the role of 'the first woman he has allowed himself to get close to'. You feel completely drained & you're already looking at him as something to be supported. If you thought it wasn't working, you've now got at the back of your mind that it could result in him self-harming.

I want to reassure you that it would be perfectly OK to walk away.

Cogito - have you ever perhaps considered, that someone in that position might want to know early on, whether there is the possibility of a relationship after such a revelation. Imagine getting six months/a year down the line, building a relationship and then telling the other person, who reacts by saying they can't deal with that kind of "baggage".

My brother dated a woman for six months, after he first deciding he was ready to date again, after his abuse. When he told her the whole story, she told him she couldn't deal with that (fair enough), but also said she wish he'd said something sooner as she felt like she'd wasted six months.

So next time, he did tell the woman after about six weeks, giving her the option to "get out" sooner rather than later. They're married now, with two children.

Now I don't know if that is or isn't the case for the man OP is dating, I don't know the workings of his mind, but nor do you. I really don't think it's helpful to suspect this man - a man who is a victim lets not forget - of having some kind of ulterior motive.

my love, you've seen him half a dozen times over the past 5 weeks. he's a boyfriend at best, not a "partner".

you've been single yourself for only 6m.

he's been seriously abused, and had some counselling.

2 years on, he's not ready. it takes WAY longer than that to undo that level of abuse.

I worry about the daily contact, and your feeling it's a more serious relationship than it is. relationships that are too serious too soon are something to be worried about. with his background, he could be codependant and latching on to you to make himself feel better.

bottom line, if you're struggling (which you are) then it's a worry.

I don't think he's in any place to be in a relationship. he's not ready, and you're not the person who can handle this, however much you want to be. you can't 'save' or rescue him. reading about DV isn't going to help you get even the faintest inkling of what he's dealing with, or how to help him.

ultimately, the only help he needs is from within.

my abusive ex wasn't nearly as violent/evil. I was however with him 10 years. I did therapy, individualy AND group, and the Freedom Programme alongside one another. even then the trauma/damage to be overcome was massive. it took a lot of metamorphosis and personal growth. he hasn't had time to do this.

this isn't going to work out I think, be prepared for the fact that you're a person with whom he'll gain strength in the short term, but he'll need a different person long term.

"Cogito - have you ever perhaps considered, that someone in that position might want to know early on, whether there is the possibility of a relationship after such a revelation."

I'm solely thinking of the OP - not the workings of this man's mind. The OP describes themselves as 'completely drained' and I don't think anyone should feel that way - certainly not five weeks into a relationship with someone who says they are taking things slowly.

This is not 'taking things slowly'

when a person starts to date after abuse, 'getting it out there' is all important.

because it's all important for the person to express. I remembet this phase well. felt like I had to tell people, because it was a key part of me.

if they accepted this, then it would mean i'm an ok person. it was a need for healing, validation and that I was still raw.

as I said, you need to be prepared to let go, and not feel that you are the one that will make a difference. he's the only one that can make a difference to his life.

if I were talking to him, i'd say that he'd need a few transition women while he grows and learns how to have a normal relationship, i'd tell him to embrace that process as it would lead to a Ms Forever and he'd find his happiness.

I think taking it slowly is a good idea from your point of view as well as his, but taking it slowly doesnt mean calling him your partner after 5 weeks, or feeling drained after talking to him about it or even being in daily contact.

That sounds like rushing it to me, and you cannot possibly know at this stage if things are going to be good between you. He could probably do with some therapy by himself and maybe needs a good friend more than anything.

nowadays, I don't need to tell anyone about my abuse, merely state when relevant/asked that the ex and I split up due to him being controlling and an arse.

I don't think you have to support him actually.

That sounds harsh but you're not there to be a support. You're there to live your own life and to share it with someone as equals. This isn't something you need to make okay. It wasn't okay, he's done his work in trying to get over it, and it's time for him to meet someone as an equal not as a wounded soul.

It's clear you're shocked by what he's said. I would take a few days to think it over, take a deep breath, and then incorporate his history as -part- of the man he is now but not the whole man. (if the abuse is still very much actively on his mind a lot, he's probably not really ready to date much).

If you still keep seeing him then be aware that his responses will be coloured by what's happened in the past, but also that he needs to treat you as a rational, kind, caring adult who is not controlling and who can be talked to reasonably.

The OP's responses are going to be coloured by what's happened in someone else's past.... that's the bigger problem, I think. They're upset, drained, anxiously posting on a website, doing research into DV, feeling obliged to be supportive etc. New relationships are always very hit and miss and it's typically 3 - 6 months in when most people are deciding whether something is fizzling out or worth continuing. There's a fine line between candour and emotional manipulation.

Oh wow 5 weeks. Sorry but I dont think either of you are taking things slowly at all! Tread carefully. I thought early days might have meant 5/6 months.

I seem to have given the wrong impression as I'm haven't done any research on DV but work in a higher education setting and have previously been heavily involved with Social Work undergrad and post grad courses. Of course hearing about and reading about DV does not make it any easier.

I have had a really positive day thus far and I think after last nights disclosure it was understandable I was upset.

The daily contact I speak of is maybe a few email exchanges in the evening and a phonecall once a week. I hardly feel its excessive at this stage. We meet up on a weekend due to work commitments etc. He has only spoken of her once when we have been together. He is lighthearted and fun to be around and we enjoy each others company. We haven't slept together yet but there is plenty of physical affection. I would say he is my partner although it is unspoken. There is no expectation on my part for it to be so. I have a busy full life with plenty of my own 'things' going on. I'm just going to take my time and go with the flow.

That's what he said Meerka. Another reason why I was so shocked as he is so calm, considerate and just a totally normal balanced person. He feels comfortable with me and is relaxed and at ease.

He has had the therapy and has close friends and his uncle and aunt who he spoken to at length about everything.

Oh and going back to the daily contact, it may just be an email with a link to an article in the Guardian that he knows would tickle my fancy asking my thoughts and giving his. Hardly over the top.

Giving you this level of detail only 5 weeks in sounds very precocious to me; I read it as him not having processed and put the past behind him sufficiently to be himself in a relationship. Right now he is still identifying himself as an abused person.

And so are you, now.

That's not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. TBH, it doesn't sound like he's ready, and it sounds like you're gearing up to be his emotional carer.

Good luck to you both. I can only wish for you that he gains the distance from his past that he needs in good time, and that you choose relationships that don't leave you feeling drained.

Know your own boundaries and maintain them. Then you can't go wrong. You are not required to heal or rescue him and you are absolutely entitled to insist he treats you with care and respect, regardless of how he has been treated in the past. Don't ever accept his past abuse as an excuse for his present behaviour. If he ever makes you feel responsible for his thought processes wrt his past abuse, call him on it. It is not up to you to make him feel better about it. You can, of course, help him to process it in a healthy way, but you are absolutely not responsible for accommodating any unreasonable or unhealthy attitudes he might have as a result of the abuse.

Well you've had some advice....

OP no matter how long you are dating this knowledge will drain you, it's horrible and I for one think that he did the right thing by being 100% up front with you.
I don't think it sounds like he is 'dumping' it, he sounds factual which is healthy and would suggest he is working hard through it.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship for many years and it took me a long while to be able to date and I think 2 years is a fair way down the line and go on him.

I am not really liking some of the advise you have been given on a personal level or on a professional level, I think some posts are really rather horrid.

You don't heal/rescue anyone they have to do this them self BUT sharing time, happiness and love is a great thing. My now husband has been fantastic with me because I was upfront and honest, because regardless of what is said the abuse will always be there as it is part and parcel of how you got to be a whole and happy person, you just learn to live, love and be happy.

Good luck.

Thank you so much cailindana and tutt and previous posters who have given me advice. I just think sometimes you have to trust your gut and I have really good feelings about the future... my future. He is really ambitious, full of life, and dreams and it's exciting to hear his perspective on things that are important to me. Life is too short to over think and not to enjoy my time with him because of what may or may not happen in the future.