I really need help with this

[OhWillThisOneDo]

Before I start I need to say that I am feeling very fragile. Like, 'maybe I should walk out and leave DP and the kids because they'd be better off without me' fragile. So even though I know I am completely in the wrong and behaving monstrously, I don't need abuse. I need advice and perspective.

Also, this will probably be long.

So the background is that I met DP about three or four months after his ex left him, taking their DD with her. I didn't realise when I got together with him that the split was so recent. He never really talked about it and I assumed (was given the impression) it was amicable and had been the end of a relationship which had been dead for a while.

Over time it transpired that it had in fact ended quite suddenly, and as far as DP was concerned, unexpectedly.

Anyway DP and his ex only live five minutes away from each other, (plus his ex's parents live a couple of streets away), so they worked out 50:50 shared care of their DD, which soon incrementally and unofficially became 65:35 in DP's favour due to his ex regularly cancelling her contact nights in favour of new boyfriends, holidays, etc.

I always accepted this and if it meant cancelled plans with DP, then that was okay with me as I thought it was right and proper that he should put his DD first.

Although, over the years I admit it has become difficult to not get frustrated at the constant last minute chopping and changing. I see his ex's buggering around with the schedule as a real intrusion on our family life.

About 18 months into our relationship I was in an accident and had to go to hospital quite late at night. My injuries turned out not to be terribly serious, but no one knew that at the time and the whole thing was very scary. I was on my own and managed to contact DP, who had his DD with him that night. I asked him to come to be with me at the hospital and he said no, he couldn't leave DD. I asked him why he couldn't leave DD with his ex, or his ex's parents since they all live within 5 mins of where he was, but he didn't want to. So I went through it all alone.

He picked me up from my place the following day. We had a bit of a row as I was upset about him not coming to be with me. I said something like 'how could you leave someone you love to go through that' and he said something like 'I don't love you in that way'.

This is after 18 months of being together.

I was devastated. By then I was completely in love with him. I thought he felt the same way about me but when he said that, it dawned on me that fuck; he was still in love with his ex. Or certainly still pining for her.

I couldn't believe I'd been such a sucker and wanted to split but he convinced me not to leave. Said he wanted to be with me, but was still healing from the split with his ex, his defences were still up, didn't want to let anyone else in yet, blah blah blah.

So somehow we stayed together and actually, things turned out okay. After another year he told me that, yes, now he was in love with me. So we moved in together and then we had our DD, who's now nearly one.

But the problem is, I can't get past the accident/'I don't love you' incident. I thought, given time, it would fade into the past. But if anything I get more and more angry about it as time goes on.

And this is the really shit bit: it's massively affecting how I feel about DSD.

In my head it's like this:

• I was very vulnerable and really needed DP
• DP left me alone and scared because he didn't want to leave his DD/couldn't be arsed to sort out leaving her with his ex.
• He didn't want to/couldn't be arsed because he didn't love me
• He didn't love me because he was still in love with his ex

He says that that is crazy. And, intellectually I can see that it's probably not totally rational - especially given what's happened since. i.e., we've had a much-wanted baby together. But emotionally, that's how I feel.

It honestly feels like for those first 18 months of our relationship he was cheating on me. In that he was obviously still emotionally and mentally hung up on his ex and their family. And so DSD has become a symbol of his 'emotional unfaithfulness'. Every time I look at her I just think how he's moved heaven and earth to make sure he can be with her as much as possible, but that one time I really needed him, he still put her first even though IMO he didn't need to in those circumstances. And the reason he did that was because his feelings for DSD's mum were still stronger than his feelings for me.

I know that doesn't really make sense, but it isn't rational, so it won't.

But my relationship with DSD is really crap now because I've completely shut down. Her presence hurts me and so I find myself trying to avoid being around her. I know that's a horrendous thing to say. But it's true.

DP hates the situation and I'm worried he's going to leave me. I feel like shit about myself. Like, really, really hate myself. Which just makes it all worse because I shut down even more. I now feel like I shouldn't have had my DD because I'm a terrible person and can't get past this issue and treat my DSD how she deserves to be treated. What sort of a lesson will that be for my DD? I don't want her to grow up to be horrible like me. In my very dark moments I contemplate leaving DD with DP and walking out of all their lives because I'll only mess the kids up and DP would never forgive me.

I desperately want this to be resolved. I want to feel love for DSD. I want us to be a happy, loving family. But I've gone numb where DSD is concerned. I don't know how to undo that.

I felt for a long time like I was justified in feeling the way I do because DP acted so badly over the hospital/I don't love you thing.

But now I just feel like I'm a monster. If someone posted a thread about being married to someone like me, I would tell them to LTB.

Things are reaching boiling point with me and DP and I'm worried something drastic is going to happen. I want to be a better partner and step-mother but I don't know how or where to start unpicking this all.

It's probably significant that although DP has apologised for 'the incident', it's always been with a caveat that he feels he did what he thought was the right thing at the time and was just 'being honest' with me.

Well done if you've made it this far. Thoughts, opinions, perspective and chastisements welcome. Abuse, not so much.

Oh, and DSD is 8.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but I really do not think the problem lies with your DSD. When you said her presence "hurts" you I found that really hard to fathom. She's an innocent child!

Your anger at your DSD and his ex should be directed at your DP NOT your DSD. And I don't know why you believe that because he didn't want to leave her with his ex or her parents that means he must be in love with her still?

How is your relationship with DP now? What's it like when it's just the two of you? Do you think couples counselling would help? I don't think you're a terrible person and your DD does need you no matter what you think about messing their lives up.

I'm sorry that this isn't very helpful, but I really feel for your DSD. If she continues to live with a step parent who is resentful of her it could be really damaging (I've seen this first hand and it wasn't nice)

Thanks for replying.

I can't bear to be this way. Being in my head is intolerable. I really do think something's going to give pretty soon and it'll be my mental health (if it hasn't already).

I know, I KNOW it's not DSD's fault. Believe me, I do know that. Which is why I cannot understand why I feel this way or how to stop.

It should be so simple. She's an innocent child, so just sort your fucking act out. Right?

I do get angry with DP too. I am angry with him often, still. He's a brilliant man - very patient and forgiving of me - and I probably don't deserve him. I worry constantly that he'll realise he could do so much better than me and leave me.

I don't know if he'd agree to couple's counselling. I'm not sure we need it. I know what the problem is. He was a heartless twat back then and I'm punishing him for it now. And DSD is collateral damage. It's all so fucked up. What I need is a solution to make it stop.

I want to try counselling again on my own first. But I need to change my behaviour sooner than I'll be able to access the counselling.

I just feel like I want to run away. I look at DD and feel like such a failure and that I'm letting her down. They all deserve better than I'm being right now.

I know people tell posters to get counselling all the time, but I think a good therapist really could help you a lot. You can't let go of this incident, it must be triggering something deeper for you. A therapist (for you alone) could help you understand yourself and your feelings better, and help you deal with your feelings of resentment without offloading them onto your DSD. It may be that you're right, he doesn't love you enough. You need help to work all this out.

Unless you're really broke, you could see a private therapist very soon.

Have you considered councelling with your DP? It seems he dismisses your feelings about this and doesnt seem to understand the extent that it is playing on your mind. His callous disregard for you at a vulnerable time really seems to have knocked your self-esteem and you have added 1 and 1 and made 5 - his not 'loving you that way' may have acknowledged the breakdown of his relationship with the ex, the fact he had been badly hurt and had his guard up, but probably more in a fear of ggetting hurt again than a desire to rekindle things with the ex. Once bitten twice shy I would have thought. But the way he explained that was hurtful and tactless, if that was the case.
Apart from trying to be a good dad and see his daughter/take opportunities to increase contact, has there been anything else (apart from this statement) that has made you think that he was actively trying to be involved with his ex? Was he jealous of any new partners? Did he confide in her/treat her as if she was still his partner? Drop arrangements with you to see her (not his DD)?
As the PP said, your feelings of anger and resentment are directed at the wrong person. Your step daughter is an innocent child who didnt choose to be caught up in the middle of this, or dumped at last minute because mummy wants to go out on the lash or has taken up with a new fling.
He needs to really understand the consequences of what he said - how it has totally changed your perception of the early months of your relationship, and a good councillor will help this to be sorted out.
You are not a horrible person.

I get where you're coming from.

I think your assessment of where his head was at back then is probably accurate.

But.....time has moved on. The seesaw of time is tipping in your favour. You and he are together now. Don't let this spoil the relationship. Consciously start to see you and he, you and your family and his little girl being part of that. It's a new thing and yes it may have begun how it began but time has moved on now and so should you.

X

Please OP, you are NOT a failure! Your DD would not be better off without you whatsoever.

The fact that you know that your DSD is not to blame and that you know your thoughts are irrational proves you're not a bad person. I agree with PP about maybe counselling for yourself?

I think I do understand the irrational feelings you have towards your DSD. It's a different situation but when my DM left I was angry with her for so long. She was ill and is now a different (much better!) person but I still have those irrational feelings of hate and bitterness to her after over 10 years (although I'm a lot nicer now and we have a much better relationship). As I say, not really a similar situation but the only way I got over my bitterness and irrational emotions was time. You already sound like you're beating yourself up about this really badly, and your DSD shouldn't be exposed to this situation for a long time. I really think talking to a professional would help matters.

I'm rubbish at offering any good advice but I feel for you

He needs to really understand the consequences of what he said - how it has totally changed your perception of the early months of your relationship

This really resonated.

To be fair he's never shown any interest or jealously towards his ex throughout our whole relationship.

My perception of him still pining after her has been my mind filling in the blanks because of what he said.

it must be triggering something deeper for you

This is really interesting. I hadn't considered the whole issue might be a displacement of something else, but it's certainly a possibility.

You dont need HIM to forgive YOU

What you are going through and trying to deal with is the heartless way he spoke to you when you were scared and alone and vulnerable.

HE should be apologising to you, explaining what he really meant, and putting your mind at rest. You should be forgiving him.

Your thinking is all twisted round. You are not the bad one. You are not unlovable. You are not second best. Despite the hurt and fear that he felt from the betrayal of his ex, despite being guarded and having a wall around himself emotionally, he felt you were worth trying with. He trusted you not to hurt him like she had, not to walk out and leave him, but he kept a little bit of himself back just in case. And even when it went a bit wrong after your accident he still thought you were worth being with, that you were the one that could make him feel safe enough to love again, and in time he acknowledged that he really DID love you.

Unfortunately his hesitance and clumsy way of expressing this caused you to lose trust. Ironic really - he really does fall in love and you understandably start to pull back, feeling betrayed by the information he has given you, which you make assumptions about based upon your fears rather than anything concrete.

This is really sad.And its really sad that he cannot see the harm he has done.

That's an excellent summary Nettle.

I have lost trust. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I'm not really clear where DSD comes into it though. Maybe I'm projecting my feelings towards him onto her? If so, how the fuck do I stop?

He was not as committed to you at the time of the accident as he is now. That was obviously distressing then, but you have moved forward. DsD obviously is not a barrier to your relationship.
He remains (and always has) committed to his children. This is a good character trait.
You felt very vulnerable when you were in hospital and (at that time) it revealed an inbalance of need in the relationship. That vulnerability has gone. He is committed to you now as a partner, his decisions in an emergency will be more complicated.

I have been hurt by husbands (ex and current) not having been there for me in hospital stays. Ex, just didn't want to so I found it very difficult when current husband needed to leave (to actually get me some things) my side. I was surprised at my neediness about hospital stays I am sure it is because of my ex's attitude.

Did you have a long and distressing wait to be admitted to hospital? Previous experience of rushing to visit a loved one injured in an accident? These things MIGHT be why you needed him at that moment. Thankfully that moment has passed and you have built a more loving more committed relationship over time.

DsD his love and commitment to her is a part of this man you love. You've nothing to fear from his relationship with her as in spite of his strong drive to be a fully committed dad he has also made time and commitment to be with you, build a life with you. It IS hard to balance parenthood and new relationships. It also takes a very strong love to be willing to get past / through the complications of child rearing and keep a relationship growing.
I hope you are able to move forward from this.

I think sometimes you have to decide to forgive so you can move forward.

Yes, it wasn't a very nice thing to say but he was most likely still quite raw about the split and sounds like he just wanted to do his best for his smal child.

He now loves you and has a child with you and his DD is of an age where you can all join together and be happy.

You both sound like very caring people

Are you disliking the DSD because she is his Achilles heel? It's the one guaranteed way to hurt him back!
Totally childish I know but in the past my DH did something that really cut me to the quick and as a way of getting my own back I used to make sure I gave him all the bean juice if we were having baked beans, I also used to make sure he got all the empty pea skins! Like I said childish but it didn't hurt anyone and gave me my feeling of revenge!

Are you disliking the DSD because she is his Achilles heel? It's the one guaranteed way to hurt him back!

Not consciously, no. But sub-consciously? Very possibly. That would make sense.

You need counselling. Just you on your own no dh or anyone else. You need to sort out what is screwing you up so badly. If couples counselling is thought necessary it will be recommended. There is organisations that do free therapy if you cannot afford counselling - contact Mind they will put you in contact with your local groups. If you're thinking of going private make sure the therapist is a member of the rbacp. Good luck.

Op

I don't think you hate your step daughter , but I do think you have significant un resolved issues with how your partner was unavailable to you at a time of great urgency through his choice of putting his daughter first.

I believe you have transferred your feelings on to her because if you confronted him with all this you know there is no going back.
Feeling like you dislike her allows you to all intense and purposes deflect your growing hostility for him. You know deep down it's not her but it maybe that unconsciously and maybe consciously once you tackle what's really causing you pain it's going to open Pandora's box.

Your still stuck in that time frame it's not been dealt with, yes it will drive you bonkers but now you've opened the box and there's no sticking the genie back in. The child represents your overwhelming feelings of being let down by him, your still in that hospital injured and scared and he wasn't there.

I have 4 children. 1 of them with my ex. They will always come first regardless of my feelings for any man. The fact that your Dp wanted to be with his daughter etc does not in the slightest mean that he has any feelings for his ex.

Your dsd is innocent in all this. Your Dp may have rightly so been wary of getting deeper into another relationship but he did decide that he did want to be with you and have a family together. Accept that and forget about what he said. If you can't forget it then you need to discuss it with him. You might be surprised at what he says.

Wish you all the best op.

Don't you think that actually your DSD would most likely have said, "Don't be so mean, Dad. I'll go to X's and you go to make sure she's alright?"

He's the one who made this decision, not your DSD.

Please, please don't think of leaving your daughter. That seems to be a real sign of emotional distress that has gone beyond what's normal. Just the fact you've thought this is a big enough reason to see your doctor.

As for him... I don't like him! If he'd said, "I am SO sorry. I panicked so much about leaving my daughter and I thought you'd be OK but I realise now I was wrong and should have come to make sure for myself that you were OK" then that wouldn't be too bad, but he's trying to justify his behaviour.

If you're with someone you need to know they have your back. I wouldn't feel he has, tbh. Maybe it's safer for you to blame his daughter than to blame him?