If I become close friends with anyone they start to take me for granted

[Lollycats]

And I really hate being taken for granted, so I end up backing off from the friendship a bit.

I've been friends with someone for a few years but recently we've become, in my opinion, closer friends than we were. We've discovered we have a lot in common and have also both had a very similar family problem in recent years so have confided a lot in each other.

However she has now started taking me for granted. Our children attend the same school and this morning I was speaking to another mum when my friend came over to speak to us but just spoke the other other mum and totally blanked me. I've noticed that she has recently been far more respectful to others than she has to me, just in the way she speaks. It's as if she doesn't think she has to bother or make any effort for me anymore.

I also recently backed off from another friend, who I got quite close to. She had a baby and I sent her a very thoughtful present. It was something that she mentioned to me in the pregnancy that she wanted but couldn't afford. I sent it in the post and each time she got presents from people she was photographing the present and tagging the person that sent it on FB. After a few days I hadn't heard from her so I sent her a text asking if she'd received the present and she just replied saying "Yeah, it arrived" with no thanks or anything. Yet she gushed over other presents and thanked the senders profusely. I have also noticed with her that if I mention something about myself when we contact each other (usually by FB or text as we live a fair distance from each other), she will sometimes just ignore that I've even said anything and change the subject.

Does anyone else find the same issues in friendships?

Not any more, I found that people like that tended to drift off, so while they made up their minds whether to stay friends or go, I started to speak my mind. Might as well. Funny enough people started paying me respect.

I'm not very good at speaking my mind or doing confrontation I have to admit

That's really weird about the present! I can't believe she didn't thank you, or seem thrilled. What was it?

Are you a Leo, by any chance? I'm just wondering.

Nope not a leo :)

The present was a cot mobile. Not hugely expensive but she is on a real budget and couldn't afford any extras for the baby's room.

I would love a friend like you op, don't Let them get you down. You know you are good person and that all that matters.

What's a Leo got to do with it?

Op, you sound like a great person.

Take note of these 'friends' and either stand up for yourself i.e. say to the new mum that a thank you would be nice or distance yourself.

This has happened to me. I just faded from view and when I encountered the people in question, I was polite but definitely a bit chilly.

In other words, I stopped trying to hard and lost interest. And of course they are now very friendly, polite etc. I've learned my lesson with them though and am still chilly and polite.

Can you do the same? It just helps you feel like people can't treat you like dirt because you are kind and reliable.

There's givers and takers in life and you sound like a giver. Takers have a great knack of finding givers and using them. The question you need to ask your self is are you prepared to carry on being used. By all means be kind-I'd rather be a giver but not a door mat. Why don't you just withdraw completely from these so called friends. When they really need you they will reappear and you can reevaluate what you want out of these relationships.

Yes I do experience this. It's a bummer, really hurts.

As psyand says, id rather be a giver, it comes naturally, I enjoy it. I don't do it slavishly, OTT or wierdly, I don't gush with it, it appears at an appropriate time. Your mobile sounds like that: kindly, thoughtful. What a lovely friend you are.

Fuck the takers, the sort who don't recognise a gem and trample all over it - 'do not cast your pearls before swine lest they turn and trample them underfoot' (or something like that, from the good book). Unfortunately, I don't think you can predict when someone is going to turn out like this... Or maybe you can? Are things equal in the giving and taking eg shared lifts/childcare/favours/venues etc etc? Sometimes the signs were there only we didn't recognise them, thought it was the give and take of friendship... only didn't notice there was a lot of taking (them) and giving (you). You have to keep your eye on this stuff imo.

I genuinely don't think they're worth the breath of confronting them - they are not worth saving imo. That said, I confronted a friend years ago along similar lines. She was outraged, and we drifted apart for some years, we were over afaiwc. We've taken up again years later and she is very different. Perhaps she knows I will bite if she takes the piss.

If you have no choice but to see these people - school run eg - then cool right off: chilly is a good phrase; doors shut is another - she got the privilege of being invited into your inner sanctum and she abused it. Fuck her, she's out.

I've had the same thing happen recently, been friends with someone for years, always send them a present or voucher for Xmas and birthdays, never get anything in return (not expecting to) but then see she's buying presents and flowers for a recently made friend. It's shit OP and I don't have any solutions

not expecting to

There you are, then. Why not? Why not expect reciprocal signs of commitment?

i dunno. i have this occasionally. i view it as part of the natural friendship attrition process i just make doubly sure i hang on to my really good few friends and don't worry too much about these peripheral friends. it does hurt though. the friend with the baby is just downright bloody rude. maybe it was too big a gift for her and she felt uncomfortable? still rude though.

thing i've realised is i used to give or offer to help in order to cement the friendship or take it further. now i realise this is flawed thinking. any friend worth their salt will want to be friends because they like you, not because you give them things or do things for them. so now i hold back until the friendship is on the footing where giving / helping is a natural step ie. the friendship is already solid. i'm not always the first to offer too. that seems to have kept some takers at bay.

don't know if any of that applies to you...

Lollycats, you just need to watch out for the piss takers now. If you feel it's happening, walk away fast. No drama. Just don't be there so much if at all.

Don't hang on to people who take you for granted. Worrying about why she takes you for granted is also letting her take up too much space in your life.

Just accept that she is not able to reciprocate (for whatever reason) and scale back your own generosity towards her.

Some people just aren't as kind as you would like them to be. Don't worry about it, and find other, kinder people instead.

I have had this a lot too, and as a result I distance myself from everyone these days. Close friendships just don't work for me. I have friends and am friendly with most people but everyone is kept at a distance, and I see people only on my terms. I also make a point of not seeing any friend regularly, and I do a lot on my own these days.