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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex - how long is too long?

25 replies

m1m1rie · 27/09/2006 20:31

DH works very long hours, starting early in the morning and often falls asleep on the sofa before 9pm, always before 10pm. I don't have much drive and, TBH, think that I am afraid I will get pregnant again (both pregnancies unplanned and a huge shock). Add to that an almost 3 year-old who wakes up almost every night, and an 11 year-old who seems to make it her business to police our time together and make sure we don't lay a finger on one another (she even just walks into the bedroom if she is still awake, regardless of the time of night).I honestly cannot remember the last time we did, and wonder if anyone has any tips (real or humorous) to re-kindle what used to be a very active physical life...eagerly awaited!

OP posts:

tiredemma · 27/09/2006 20:32

erm, a night away? kid free-

southeastastra · 27/09/2006 20:33

lock yourselves in the loo! and tell them that you need to fix a pipe

laurawaterford · 27/09/2006 20:43

when I read your heading, I wasnt sure what was going to be 'too long' ?!! but anyway..

It sounds like you have got into a routine of doing without sex - and sometimes its easier to go along with that. Maybe you BOTH need to actually sit down and talk about how you would both like things to be, cos its not just you not doing it!!

Tutter · 27/09/2006 20:44

sorry but when i saw theard title i wondered if the correct answer should be either (a) 8 inches or (b) 23 minutes

laurawaterford · 27/09/2006 20:47

tutter said it better than me!!

dmo · 27/09/2006 20:48

we often lock ourselves in the bathroom and have a bath together
but it doesnt matter what time we get in the bath thats the time one of our sons needs the loo (we have lovely nighbours ) send boys to our neighbours for the loo, boys say mummy and daddy are in the bath together

also dh put a lock on our bedroom door so we can lock it b4 jumping into bed (normally the time the boys decide they need to tell you something really important) so end up listening to knocking on our door followed by chatting

our boys are 9 and 10

Original poster

m1m1rie · 27/09/2006 20:49

Hmmmm......perhaps should have re-read that title before posting! Oh well, it might get more people looking....

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 27/09/2006 20:51

firstly put a lock on ur bedroom door then tell your dd1 that is not acceptable for her come into your room at all hours it is your personal space and you are adults and need time alone and privacy. what does dd1 do if you have a cuddle?

perhaps the first night you could get away somewhere just to chat, spend time together and be loving and go from there...what does you dp say about it all?

Original poster

m1m1rie · 27/09/2006 20:53

I do remember a discussion on the radio once about 'how to make love to one person for the rest of your life', and there was one woman who sticks in my mind. She said that every time she and her husband got amorous, one of the children would wake up crying or suddenly 'need' them. They jokingly referred to them as 'The Babies' League For Decency and Order'. I loved that.

OP posts:

Original poster

m1m1rie · 27/09/2006 20:57

DD1 is being especially difficult at the moment. She gets very annoyed if we so much as kiss goodbye or if DH puts an arm around me. She drags him away and shouts. It's not acceptable, and she has been told in no uncertain terms. She has also been told not to just walk into our room, but she doesn't stick to the rules and doesn't seem to be particularly bothered by the telling-off she gets for it.

OP posts:

laurawaterford · 27/09/2006 21:03

Your daughter is certainly policing you - wonder why? I know they can get jealous and stuff and i think you are right to make it clear you and dh have a special relationship that does contain only the two of you, whether she likes it or not. Be interested to know what your dh thinks about it all..? anyway, i'm off to watch that robson green drama on at 9. so good night (and warn hubby you are gonna wake him up some time soon!!) good luck!!

LoveMyGirls · 27/09/2006 21:17

i wonder why your dd1 is behaving like that, has something upset her? is she being bullied? have u talked to her about it (instead of shouting?) try and get to the bottom of it. is she your dh's sd (srry to ask but may be relevant?)

LoveMyGirls · 27/09/2006 21:18

what do you do when she drags him away and shouts? do you tell her not to do it?

Original poster

m1m1rie · 27/09/2006 22:43

I think she is just at the age where she is aware of sexual relationships, and the thought that her parents may have one freaks her out. She is DH's natural daughter (not SD) but she is quite difficult to deal with at the moment for both of us. She does tell me everything, though, so if anything was bothering her she has never made any bones about telling me all about it. A couple of years ago (it may only be 18 mths ago) she walked in on us when we were getting amorous (we were in our own bed with the door shut at the time) Luckily, nothing had happened yet, but we were both startled by a low voice from the doorway saying 'get off her'.(!!!!!!!!) I was mortified at the time, then thankful we were doing no more than kissing, although it felt bad enough. Since then, she has made it her mission to police us and make sure physical contact does not occur at any time, hence the unannounced entrances into the bedroom half an hour after we have gone to bed. She does it sneakily too, so we don't hear her opening the door. It's annoying more than anything, because there is nothing going on to interrupt anyway! So she is only half of the problem, the other being that neither of us manages to get around to doing anything about our flagging sex life. Apathy has set in.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 28/09/2006 08:13

are you going to put a lcok on your door? then she cant come in and you can sort the other half of the problem without worrying about the other half good luck!

throckenholt · 28/09/2006 08:20

talk to DD - ask her how it makes her feel when she sees you and DH together - get her to tell you why she thinks she does what she does.

Then go from there. Tell her how it makes you feel (angry at her maybe) - ask her if she can think of ways that you can all work round this. Then you think of ideas

Write down everything - regardless of how silly. At the end - go through all the suggestions - consider them all and reject whichever are not appropriate - then agree what the ground rules are.

That may include a lock on your bedroom door. Involve DH in the discussion if you think it may help.

Then on the other tack consider options as to how you can stop future pregnancies - taking away that fear may help the spontaneity between you and DH.

joelallie · 28/09/2006 10:50

OK. When I was about that age I heard my parents having sex. It horrified me - lots of reasons...maybe embarrassment, feeling excluded, shock. I hated it. For the next few months I behaved really absurdly - I used to go to bed really early to make sure I was asleep hours before they did so I didn't run the risk of hearing it again. I used to insist on walking in between them to make sure they didn't hold hands. Could your DD be going through something similar - could she have overheard and be doing her best to disrupt things when she thinks they might start?

My parents were very old-fashioned and would have died of shock if they had realised what was going on and I could never have broached the subject with them. If mum and dad had made the effort to find out what the problem was it would have made so much difference. Could you try to talk to her about it all?

joelallie · 28/09/2006 10:51

Sorry - just read your last post saying much the same thing.

Glassofwine · 28/09/2006 11:13

Maybe when she walked in that time she thought he was hurting you? She's being protective and it's all got confused as she's also learning more about sex? Sounds like it's time for a chat with her, just from you about how it's important for mum and dad to have a hug - it makes you happy etc. I probably wouldn't go as far as mentioning sex as who want to know about their parents sex life. Lock the door too.

My DH and I wholheartedly recomend the snip - haven't had so much sex since the risk of pregnancy has gone.

Original poster

m1m1rie · 28/09/2006 11:25

She knows he wasn't hurting me - she just hates us having any physical contact, even a small innocent kiss goodbye - she cringes and gets really annoyed that we should have the audacity to do such a thing! I have to say, that since DD2 was born (9 years after DD1) she has been very jealous of anything that doesn't put her at the forefront of the attention, but she is old enough (at almost 12) to understand that not everything is about her. To see the two of us enjoying something other than doting on her seems to annoy her. She also takes any compliment made to or about somebody else as a slight on her in some way. MIL doesn't help matters when she is here, because I've noticed that she does the same thing on DD1's behalf. i.e if I commented on a child on TV doing something really special, she would chip in " (DD) is great at (whatever)". I know she is, and I praise and encourage her for the things she does well, but I am not going to pretend that the world revolves around her. I think that doesn't help children at all, expecially when they get to that age. They need to learn we all have a place in the world, and that no one person is more important than another. Her problem is that she just can't see that - her needs overrule everybody else's.

OP posts:

Original poster

m1m1rie · 28/09/2006 11:26

especially , obviously.

OP posts:

sansouci · 28/09/2006 11:36

How long should it last? If you start noticing the cracks in the ceiling/dust under the bed/wondering what to make for dinner, it's too long!

Seriously, the best thing to do when you "hate sex" is to go away somewhere together (w/out dc) for a few days & nights. Failing that, be patient. Ask dh if you can just have a cuddle & build up to sex slowly, if at all.

joelallie · 28/09/2006 12:04

I can see how frustrating it must be. All I can say is that I grew out of it. I don't suppose that will help you at the moment though . She does need to know the ground rules but you also need to know why she does what she does? I'm sure it's not as simple as her being a bit of a primadonna and think the world revolves around her. I can see how a baby turning up when you are 9 (I think my maths is correct?) might be quite upsetting. Is that part of the problem? Would it help if you spent some time alone with her - from what you have said it sounds as if she is clinging to you rather than DH. Easier said than done I know when you are worn out and have not time to do anything.

Could you take a weekend away from the children? Again I know it's not easy but it would take the pressure off you both for a while.

throckenholt · 28/09/2006 12:13

sounds like your DD is very insecure and trying to hide it. She sounds like she is craving approval constantly to bolster her confidence.

Try and get her to talk about how you and DH being affectionate makes her feel, does it threaten her in some way. Try and explain it should make her feel that she lives in a happy secure home, and it saddens you to think she is seeing things differently.

Glassofwine · 28/09/2006 13:42

When you explain it like that it sounds like a phase, so yu should probably do what right for you and DH. Do all the usuall stuff to bring a bit more romance into your lives and put a lock on the door. You sound like you've got your head screwed on and as long as she's getting praise etc then she does need to learn that she isn't the centre of the world. It won't help her in the long term if she grows up thinking she can control the people around her.

And remember when it's been a while and you do get around to having sex you nearly always say to each other "why don't we do that more often". You just need to break the habit.

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