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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So my 'D'P left me this afternoon... Lost, relieved and so so sad!

47 replies

StrippedPJs · 01/10/2014 19:11

He left to go to work at 12:30pm saying to my DS (he's not his) 'step-daddy' loves you and I'll see you when you get home, said he loved me and he'd see me when he got home too.

We were talking all afternoon he even asked me what we were doing for dinner this evening two text's later he told me he saw me as more of a friend and wanted to move back in with his mother (he's 24) he then said he didn't want us to break up he just wanted to live with his mum.

These were his reasons for breaking up with me;

the bed is uncomfortable
it's too hot in the room
i'm seen as a friend
it's like coming home to a friend
he loves and cares about us both and wants to be together still just as he lives with his mum
he is stressed
he just wants to come home and relax/play the PS4 after work
he spends all his time upstairs playing the PS4 and not with me

There was a lot more he wanted to come in and 'talk about it' I'm also being a dick because I put his stuff outside in bags bar his PS4, Xbox and TV He had always said if he left he would leave the XBox and the TV and we got rid of mine.

He sat there on my drive for 2 hours demandind, texting and banging on my door asking for it all back whilst my 2 year old DS shouted daddy at him.

He threatened to keep my key but soon posted it through the letter box after and he left.

I love him, It hurts a year and a half together, and he could do this to me, to us :(

OP posts:

magoria · 01/10/2014 20:23

She had just had an upsetting blow. She didn't handle as well as others not involve say they would have done!

It's done now there is no point in going on about it. All OP can do is learn from it, move on, let this sad boy go home to mummy and look after herself and her DS.

What is the point in berating OP?

Original poster

StrippedPJs · 01/10/2014 20:28

He was on the drive my child can't see through my phone or out the door.

I could of asked him to have dinner he didn't want it. He got his stuff back he wanted to come in and I had to get on with my usual day of bathing feeding and getting my son ready for bed he started this whilst I was at college! He left and apologised I won't being go back to him! I do focus on my son 100% unless your telling me those in relationships obviously focus less on there children!! I was hoping for support though this obvious hard time but obviously not! I'll be hiding this thread those that have been supportive thank you

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/10/2014 20:31

That would be a shame if you hide the thread. Unless you think the women here don't have valuable support/experience you can tap into ?

When I was 21 I was picking stupid blokes too.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2014 20:32

I also thought I knew better than people who tried to advise me against it ...

thisisnow · 01/10/2014 20:32

OP ignore the posters who aren't giving helpful advice... I think some people forget that 21 is actually quite young.

Unfortunately he seems like he can't deal with the responsibility of a child and like other's have said he is still acting quite immature.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2014 20:37

Why is it not helpful to point out the damage that this sort of behaviour can do to a child?

I was that child, thats why I get so cross about things like this. The impotence of not being able to get away from such situations, having to just watch it play out but not understanding what is happening and why.

If the OP realises that her behaviour affects her son as much as her then that will hopefully help her to take a step back in future, not react on instinct (a hard thing to learn, its taken me years) and try and move forward in a calm and rational manner. That will only be a good thing for her too, and when you are not ruled by instinct and emotiions it helps when you are trying to weed out the wankers from the good guys.

3littlefrogs · 01/10/2014 20:42

My sons are 23 and 25. They are lovely lads, but fortunately they are both very well aware that they are not ready for long term relationships or settling down just yet.

You are both so young. You have a little son who needs you to focus on him. This is a huge responsibility. Because you already have a child you need to be very, very careful about anyone you bring into his life.

Your ex has realised he wants the easy life living with his mum, the freedom to do what he likes, and no responsibilities.

Bonsoir · 01/10/2014 20:46

He's 24 and has all his life ahead of him.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2014 20:47

I think it is far more helpful and approppriate to point out that op has all her life ahead of her, and she should be very choosy indeed who she shares it with.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 20:48

You both sound like you have a lot of growing up to do. As you have a child, please be careful whom you bring into his life.

independentfriend · 01/10/2014 20:53

Bogeyface: because there are other factors at play here too.

It reads like a one off [ie. this child hasn't been subjected to this sort of thing regularly/repeatedly] and suggesting to women that they should subjugate all of their reasonable requirements [ie. not allow a former partner into their home] to their children's immediate comfort is how you end up with women asking questions like "is leaving this relationship going to damage my children?" or saying things like "I only did x to avoid a scene", when the x in question trampled all over her reasonable boundaries.

Much more important that his ending of the relationship has been accepted and she's enforced her own boundaries. That she was able to do that effectively, is a IMO, a really good thing for her son.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2014 20:53

AF no argument that she should be more choosy, but as you said, at 21 we all date dicks. I had more than my fair share! But that doesnt negate the OPs role in this drama, and she does need to learn a hard lesson from this. She said that the baby was 4 months when she met him and 6 months when she introduced them. 2 months is no where near long enough. She should be thinking about introducing them now.

Like I said, I was the child that was at the mercy of the diva tantrums and constant screaming rows, of stormings out, hammering on the door, "I am leaving and never coming back" from one parent or the other, its a terrifying way to grow up, so its a very sensitive subject for me.

I havent forgotten that 21 is very young, but 2 is much much younger and he must be able to rely on his mother to do the right thing for him. If she is old enough to be a mother then she is old enough to put his needs and security ahead of her own.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2014 20:57

independent breaking up with someone can be done amicably and calmly, and should be when children are involved. Its not "not making a scene" but making sure that the child is traumatized as little as possible. If that means sitting down and saying "right, how are we going to do this?" rather than bagging everything up except the 3 things she knows the ex really values, and leaving them on the doorstep then so be it.

Having boundaries is not an excuse for poor behaviour. I have boundaries but if H wanted to leave then I would not be storming round the house packing his stuff (but keeping some things that I knew would piss him off) and chucking them into the garden. I would be talking to him, discussing it and trying to be amicable.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2014 20:58

My point of posting this is the hope that the OP will not react like this again, for her own sake as well as her sons.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2014 20:58

No argument here, BF.

Timetoask · 01/10/2014 21:08

I am sorry you feel so upset, it is completely understandable. Breakups are hurtful. However, at 24 your boyfriend is just too young to take up such a responsibility. You had a child very young. Just concentrate on your life and being a good mum to your child.

aermingers · 01/10/2014 21:25

I can't believe how nasty some people are being to the OP. I doubt many of the same people would be having as much of a go if she was in her 30s. Also I think that she's been an awful lot more honest about what happened than some posters who try and paint themselves as angels.

OP, I agree with AnyFucker. The bloke's obviously not worth it, just let it go and concentrate on your son. He's an immature idiot who isn't ready to cope with family life and you shouldn't let this situation make you feel bad about yourself or affect your self esteem.

Next time though, I would suggest maybe waiting at least six months to make the first introduction. But regardless of that, there are plenty of people whose kids real fathers walk out at the same age and sadly it's something people have to deal with. It's very sad but don't beat yourself up about it. I think you're being given an unnecessarily hard time.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2014 21:52

aer presumably that was aimed at me.

I was not nasty, I was honest. I am not an angel, but I was the child in this situation and thats why I am angry that she allowed her behaviour to escalate to such a level. There are some things that you just dont do and allowing WWIII to be conducted at your front door is one of them.

Original poster

StrippedPJs · 01/10/2014 22:09

Bogey face just stop!

WW3 didn't happen, maybe I didn't explain it properly but I was upset for God sake my Ds had seen him hence why he was calling daddy! There was no shouting on my behalf Infront of my son ex sat on the driveway in that time I fed and bathed my son had playtime and spoke to a friend! He had his stuff the stuff he didn't have was what was given to me and stuff I can't move on my own!

You come across as very nasty and it's horrid some posters have be lovely and I thank you!

OP posts:

paxtecum · 01/10/2014 22:18

I've never seen a poster being given such a hard time on here.
It's quite unnecessary.
Relationships is supposed to be about support not condemnation.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2014 22:21

You can continue to believe that the way you behaved was acceptable, I will continue to disagree. As long as you refuse to see that you had a part in this drama you will do it again, and again to the detriment of your child.

You didnt hide this thread so I will.

I wish you luck.

Original poster

StrippedPJs · 01/10/2014 22:42

Quite frankly BF I'm glad your hiding this your attitude is the thing that is disgusting what you went through as a child is NOT not will it ever be what I do to my child! So goodbye

OP posts:

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