Advice needed - what to do....

[Sunshine2018]

Hi all, I've been asked advice by a friend so I thought I'd put this situation out there and get some feedback.
A friend of mine has been with her husband for 12 years, she has always been the driving force of the relationship, pushing for commitment, marriage, house buying and having a family. She is the one who does all the hard work whilst he enjoys the fruits of her labour !!
She thought the world revolved around him in the early days and made it her mission to make him happy at any cost. She had a baby and suffered a little with PND which affected every aspect of her life, she rebuilt herself and is a devoted mum but her relationship with her husband never fully recovered. She would find flaws everywhere which just deepened her resentment, they have slept separately since she was pregnant, he didn't attend the birth cos he was too tired as it was a long labour and never put her or the Abby first. He was a mood Hoover, if he was happy so was everyone else but if not we all knew about it. In fairness to him, he worked hard and provided financially but not emotionally.
Their relationship has always struggled sexually, months would go by where they weren't intimate and she would ask for improvements and over the last 18 months she has almost begged him to put some effort in, but she feels as though she is living with her best friend / brother. There is no spark or affection. She is on the point of leaving but with a young child is afraid of the impact it would cause and the ability to have a civilised relationship for the sake of the child.
Please can you give some advice, outside eyes are always more honest

Thanks guys

Sounds like he is intimate elsewhere but doesn't want to rock the boat and look bad and has your friend blaming herself when it was probably him all along .

Sorry didn't mean to sound harsh. But if he's emotionally unavailable and not wanting sex it means he has checked out of the relationship . I think she should try and discover the reason for this as it can't be just her fault can it ? I hope this isn't the case but she should be wary he isn't leading a double life.

Can someone offer any help ?

Does she not want a proper relationship as an adult then? If so, she needs to leave and go find one.

I think this is quite clear cut though, no?

Your friend isn't happy in the relationship. There are underlying issues of his behaviour which has caused deep rooted resentment - such as fucking off during her labour because he was "tired".

There are two options:

1. She suggests they go to couples counselling, and he agrees. Then they do so and see if that improves anything in their relationship.

2. He doesn't want to go to couple's counselling, the counselling doesn't help, or she is past the point of considering it, and she tells him that she wants a separation.

For me, the benchmark of a marriage is this: Would I want my children to be in a marriage like this, feeling as I do?

If the answer is no, then you finish it. Children tend to copy the marriages of their parents.

There doesn't have to be a clear cut "reason" for someone to end a marriage. If she is this unhappy, then she should finish it.

I think your friend 'pushed' a passive man into a relationship that neither of them have ever been truly happy in. This happened to a friend of mine. She went along with it, but never really loved him. Her OH was unhappy because he knew she didn't. They are much better parents and happier people now they're not together anymore.

Depends on how she defines 'civilised'. If they are on amicable terms now and neither is given to entitled or manipulative behaviour, separation and divorce needn't be adversarial. If she fears her H won't take any initiative to maintain a relationship with their child (assuming that she becomes the resident parent), that is hard to deal with.

She can be as cooperative and encouraging as she wants but if a non resident parent is slow to call or see the child it is like pushing water uphill. If your friend is used to managing every step she will find it madly frustrating once they split up.

If they won't consider counselling then they either carry on or call it a day. There may be no third party - yet - people do stay together for convenience with certain discreet arrangements. But it can be soul destroying. And it is a heavy burden for a child in later life to hear his or her parents endured a long but unhappy marriage for their sake.

These days couples with children are advised to go through mediation - not a fault finding exercise but a way of amicably agreeing on access arrangements and finances. This is voluntary but highly recommended.

It does sound like this partnership ran its course some time ago. I would suggest that she get proper legal advice, contact a solicitor specialising in family divorce maybe look at the Resolution website.

Has she asked him to consider counselling?

Yes she has, a while back but history repeats itself and does a leopard ever change his spots ?

Did he go to the counselling?

It does sound like he is not particularly invested in the relationship.

bump.

I sniff OW, to be honest.

Do you think that's the case, or that he is just not intimate therefore doesn't feel the need to try. Can some men be happy with platonic marriages and be happy ??

I think some men can be happy in platonic marriages, yes - there are some men with low sex drives, just as with women. The point is your friend isn't happy with that.

If she left there's no reason they couldn't co-parent effectively.