Friendship woes (almost AIBU)

[Mammanat222]

In the effort to not bore you all I will keep this as short as possible.

A dear friend of mine (18 years - since college) and I have gradually drifted apart. Well actually that is a lie, friend went through a bad time but took solace in drink, drugs, casual sex and completely shut herself away from those she has known for many years. I wouldn't hear from her for months on end, and she'd not reply to texts / emails. She became so alienated that she has only met my 23m old child a handful of times.

I have gradually accepted the situation and made my peace with it. Friendships change and sadly peter out.

Anyway friend is now back on the scene and keen to pick up where she left off.

Thing is I have a toddler, work FT and am almost 6 months pregnant, last time we were super close was pre-baby. My demands and priorities are so different now.

Anyhoo friend is wanting me to meet her new BF [I say new they have been together a year but we've only been back in contact sporadically for about the same time].

Every time my friend contacts me I feel angry - angry that she doesn't get my life is different now... dinner to her after work on Friday is just that, to me it means I am shattered after a week at work and won't get to see my DS at all that day which I have only ever done once before incidentally to meet this friend!!!

I have no real desire to meet her new BF, to me that says it all to me. I just don't care.

She has basically said to me "X is in London this week and really wants to meet you. We can do Friday or the weekend"

I suppose I just suck it up and arrange a meeting?

I don't want to upset my friend, there is no point having it out with her either? We've had several deep and meaningful meetings, promises to get close again and she just disappears - which is what I expect now.

In short my time is so valuable and precious I don't want to invest it in someone so flippant and fly by night

BUT I don't want to formally end the friendship.

Answers on a postcard please.

PS: reading that back I sound like a spoilt and petulant bitch!

BUT I cannot help how I feel and I feel as though if she never made contact again my life would be no different (no better or worse) but I always feel to obligated when she does reply, almost like I am grateful for her scraps!

• sorry that should read "I always feel to obligated when she does make contact"

I wouldn't go out with someone in the evening if it meant I didn't see my child that day.

You could invite her to yours for a meal on a Saturday night or you could just put her off, saying you're really busy until she gets the hint.

Well you either formally end the relationship or meet her. Why dont you want to end the friendship? It doesn't sound like you particularly like her...it would be kinder than "stringing her along" but actually avoiding seeing her.

Its okay that your lives are different and you dont have so much in common. It's fairer to tell her that than have her trying to cling to the relationship, rearrange, wonder what she did, etc. Just tell her. Or meet her when you've the energy (weekend maybe better than after work?) and give it one last shot? If you dont enjoy yourself give up and revert back to the telling her you've drifted apart route.

On the one hand, as a woman without children she simply does not know what a Friday dinner after work means to you.

But the fact that you feel anger when she gets in touch means that there is a resentment there that you would like her to acknowledge.

I would propose a meeting that suits you - perhaps invite her to yours on Saturday or Sunday - and just factually state in your invitation that Fridays after work don't work for you since you are shattered and will not have seen your DS all day. Then she knows. But keep it factual, not emotive.

If you do meet up and it goes well, perhaps then at some point tackle the emotive issue for you: tell her "you know, Friend, I have been upset that you dropped from view for 2 years and wouldn't answer my calls. I'm really happy to see you happier and more stable now, but I just wanted you to know that the x years where you weren't in touch did upset me."

It sounds to me like that's what you'd like her to acknowledge?

Finally, I'm concerned that you call yourself a spoilt and petulant bitch, and that you talk of feeling "obligated" to her. That is no way to treat yourself! If you are a people-pleaser, conflict-avoider, enabler type, and you fear that this person is here to take advantage of you again, then it is all the more reason to:

1. meet her on YOUR terms
2. air your upset, factually and non-accusingly, but being clear about how YOU felt about her dropping from view.

Could you meet daytime on sat? Or just say it doesn't work for you but let me know when you're next up for meeting and encourage it to peter out that way?

I wouldn't meet her. I have no time for people like this.

I wouldn't meet her. I have no time for people like this.

Life is short and it is also not a rehearsal.
You need to concentrate on yourself and be with people who make you happy. The most important person to you should be you and your DC.
I sense that you don't want to meet her, then don't, end of.
You don't owe her anything but you owe yourself a lot.
Listen to your feelings and go with them. Xx

"Friday night isn't convenient, how about Saturday at 2 and we can take dc to softplay for a treat"

You know she's keen to keep the relationship going if she agrees

I think you should go with the approach as set out by GoastdoRoam.

I wonder what's stopping you formally ending the friendship. It appears that you get very little out of this relationship, and everything in your post suggests that you really want to extricate yourself. The fact that you feel angry when she gets in touch speaks volumes, and suggests that resentment has built up.

It doesn't really sound like she has any insight into how her behaviour has affected you. Despite various heart to hearts, she pops in and out of your life as her mood takes her, with no proper investment in the friendship.

What's stopping you telling her that you no longer want to be friends, that you've moved on in your life, and that you want no further contact? Ultimately that would be kinder than just not responding to her, and avoiding meet ups IMO.

I agree with posters who say you should let her know you feel hurt by not seeing her all this time.
Do you need to end the friendship? I don't think so. Friendships in late 30's early 40's are so different from the intense friendships of teens and twenties. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, be it creating a happy / not so happy life with a partner and kids, or taking loads of drugs and drink cuz life events have not turned out as you hope.
I love my friends to bits. I've got friends I've had since secondary school. But.. Sometimes we don't see each other for months but as we have that common ground of our intense younger years and just knowing each other forever really, I wouldn't be happy to 'end it' with one of them.

In answer to your actual question ..! That's the beauty of friendships innit.. You don't need to formally end them, you just drift away and maybe get close again and maybe not.

Thanks all,

I am generally not a people pleaser but this one friend sends me through loops when she gets in touch.

We have been friends for so many years (lived together for a bit, travelled together) and I feel that making the final break would just be too sad and too final.

However I do feel incredibly resentful and the time we have not been in regular contact has allowed me to really assess our friendship and I realise that I have always tried to please this friend. No-one else in my life have I had this dynamic with?

Going back to being teenagers I would always call her, let her make the plans and if she wanted to do something I didn't then I would always struggle to tell her no (I'd make up white lies as opposed to being forceful and saying no)

Even now as a 35 year old woman I don't feel able to say not to his friend.

Don't get me wrong in many ways it has suited me to have a dominant person in my life [I am crap at making small decisions], and in some ways she has helped me learn to be more assertive.

I guess our lives just went in different directions (she has a highly professional job that suits her personality!!, works long hours, and I just kind of fell into the job that I do but it's not a career as such). Her work takes her all over the place and often we'd have to schedule meeting around her work??

I think my friend has been used to having things on her terms.

I spoke to my OH and decided that I don't actually want my valuable weekend taken up so I am going to meet them on Friday after work. They are going to come to my neck of the woods but already it's being bumped later and later which is starting to piss me off.

I don't want to go but I feel that in the grand scheme of things it's one evening and I can live with it.

I assume I wont hear from her for weeks / months after this meeting so I can grin and bare it.

I hate being such a wimp BUT the fact is for me this friendship is nothing in my life now, I don't think of her day to day or miss her at all.

I don't know why you are bothering to be honest. Unless people bring light to my life I just can't be arsed.

I know why you're bothering! Old friendships are precious.

That said, I make huge allowances for old friendships that are, let's face it, less than perfect. The terms of your friendship are very probably set in stone now - like it or lump it, really. She may change towards you in years to come, and you have acres of space to introduce subtle changes.. but they will have to be subtle because I doubt she'll adjust to all-out change of the power balance between you.

That doesn't mean you won't feel resentful sometimes though. Part of the territory imo. I have a number of old friendships that have changed over the years to a footing i am happier with - without any big discussions. Perhaps life has bashed them us about a bit and they're we're more appreciative of what they we have in my our friendship. The beauty of old friendships is often that you don't see them from one year to the next - time to smooth any ruffled feathers.

Go along, enjoy yourself - I'm sure you will, there's nothing like time with an old friend, imperfect though they and the friendship may be.