Pushing my new man away after past "abuse"

[CupidsCrime]

I am in a new relationship with a lovely guy, falling "in love", but I keep pushing him away and I know it's down to my past.

I was in bed with him this morning and found myself crying and getting upset because I have "flashbacks" from the past and this makes the new man feel like I still have feelings for my ex (I don't) but it's blocking me from committing to the new man.

Almost two years ago, I experienced what I think was some sort of abuse from my then DP. My counsellor at the time said it was some sort of abuse but it's hard for me in my head to attribute that word to my ex because I thought so highly of him at the time.

We were together 3 years and all the way through that time I thought he was a good person and I felt very stable and happy in the relationship.

He met someone else at work, decided he wanted to leave me and turned very nasty on me after that.

He took all the things he knew I was most insecure about in myself that he had always told me he "loved" about me and turned them on me. So for example during the convo to dump me he told me he wanted someone younger and thinner to fuck when he knew I thought I was old and fat (which he's always denied vehemently telling me I was the sexiest woman ever)

He told me he didn't like my child, when he'd told me for years that he loved her like his own and felt really lucky to be part of her life.

He made me cry and when I did, he sort of laughed in my face and said "see, you are so weak and needy". He got angry at me for being upset, like it was annoying for him even though he caused it.

Looking back at that time, I was so shocked that I kept going back for more and never really got angry with him or blamed him (I thought it must be my fault).

I keep waking up in cold sweats and have quite bad nightmares and find it really hard to let people in.

I really want to move on with my new relationship, but I experience (confident on the outside) strong feelings of worthlessness and feel like if he gets to know me he's going to feel the same way about me. So I push him away.

I also read a bit on emotional abuse and see I experienced a lot of it. Stonewalling. Belittling. Shouting. Abandonment. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Scaring me into keeping quiet.

I ant to understand why someone who is meant to love you behaves like this, because I want to feel like there was something wrong with him, and not me, so I can move past it once and for all.

From what you have written, your ex was abusive, no question.

'Stonewalling. Belittling. Shouting. Abandonment. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Scaring me into keeping quiet. '

Don't underestimate the effect this stuff has on you and your emotional health. I was in a similar situation - left a violent, possessive ex, then a year later met lovely new man, who I'm still with 9 years later. I started seeing a psychotherapist not long into our relationship because I felt I had not even begun to deal with my previous relationship and i didn't want it to impact negatively on my new, healthy relationship. It was the best decision I could have made, for myself as well as the relationship.

Going through an abusive relationship and coming out the other side, there is a hell of a lot of stuff to process and I highly recommend getting professional help with it. In the meantime, try to be honest as you can with new man - tell him as much as you are comfortable with about your previous relationship, so he has some information about what you're going through. Good luck and take care of yourself

Thanks Lottapianos. I have been through over a year of therapy and did some good stuff in terms of keeping myself strong and healthy, but I can't understand why I can't shake this off and just say "he was a bad man, it's not my fault". All I keep wondering is why a person behaves like that and why I didn't see it coming.

My new man is lovely, but he interprets and mention of my ex as evidence I still have feelings for him. I think it's hard for him to understand the deep effect on me.

"If you tell the truth, no one will believe you".

that's what he said to me.

Cupids, what was your relationship with your parents like? What did you learn from them about what a relationship involves?

They weren't very much like parents. They had me very young and they had 4 kids (I'm the oldest daughter) and I grew up as the peacekeeper, the "Mum", the sensible one, the one who looked after everyone else.

My ex came along and was everything I ever wanted. He told me it as my turn to be looked after. He was everything my Dad wasn't. Calm, mature, stable, gentle - offering me to be a Dad to my daughter and he just filled the role to a tee of my "dream man" and gave me the home and life I'd always wanted.

I felt so deeply attached to him that it was very hard to get over the breakup. I think I did though (don't miss him or want him back) and it made me stronger, but because I had an almost parental attachment to him I find it very deeply difficult to accept the way he treated me or why he was so abusive to me.

'I grew up as the peacekeeper, the "Mum", the sensible one, the one who looked after everyone else. '

Same here. Its a huge burden to bear. You grew up being trained to take care of everyone else, put everyone else first, and neglect yourself. Your feelings and wants and needs didnt' matter. These are very painful and damaging lessons which are really difficult to be rid of.

And you ended up in an emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship as an adult. These things are not unrelated OP.

If you're still seeing your therapist, I would recommend talking to him/her about your parents (if you havent' already). Just talk about whatever comes up for you. Your reaction to your abusive ex will be connected to how you feel about them and the lessons you learned from them about relationships and your own self-worth.

This can be very painful stuff to explore in therapy but I would suggest it is the key towards avoiding a similar relationship in future, and towards developing your own self-confidence.

Can abusive people make you believe they really love you? Make you feel "safe"?

Oh yes. Most definitely. They are often very skilled at manipulating people. They say they love you but then treat you like shit, so it means you learn not to trust yourself and your feelings. Abusive people are generally not horrible all the time - its the 'nice' times that keep you hanging on, hoping things will be like that all the time. They won't though.

Thanks Lotta. I do know the link between why I picked a man who wanted to play parent to me and my upbringing and when through that extensively. I'm also aware that while he was very good, loving and not overtly abusive during the relationship, he definitely was subtly undermining me.

For example we could "not afford" a car for me and he kind of made me feel guilty for suggesting we prioritise that. He did things which were selfish and made my life a little worse and somehow had me apologising to him. It was so subtle that I believed I was with a wonderful person and it took a lot of therapy to see he didn't "love" me as a normal person would be expected to.

He had me on a pedestal and treated me like a Queen but deep down his actions showed he didn't actually care about my hopes, dreams, goals or what I needed to grow.

Working through all that helped me detach but I feel very creeped out for how I didn't see this, and for how loved I felt or why he would want to act like that.

It can be quite shocking and even scary when you see clearly what was going on in a relationship that you were enmeshed in. People like your ex are highly skilled at duping kind and trusting people who are vulnerable.

I wish you every happiness and I hope that your new relationship continues to go well for you x

Thank you x