Can't stop feeling annoyed with dh

[notofthisplanet]

I cannot seem to snap out of it. I feel resentful of doing more around the house, looking after dc, making him nice meals etc. The trouble is I am home first so it all seems to land on me as it needs doing and I cannot just leave it. I wouldn't mind if he showed me a bit of appreciation, but I think he doesn't realises how much I do behind the scene and I don't want to go on about how hard done I feel.

I also feel he never pays me compliments about my appearance etc. I am in pretty good shape and always make an effort with how I look but he really doesn't seem to notice. I can be naked and brushing past him in the bathroom and he doesn't even look. I feel hurt by this.

How can I resolve all this? I hate feeling so cross with him.

This doesn't seem too hard.

I assume that you both work full time?

In which case tell him that you are going to need to work slightly longer hours the week of 13-17th October, and need him to be home by X time to sort out the dc. If he complains, just look at him in surprise and say "seriously? I need you to cover for ONE WEEK and you complain? When the situation is normally reversed every other day of the year?"

On the sunday before, write him a list of everything that needs doing.

Then that week go to work, and stay however longer you said you would be (I'm assuming it would only be an hour or two). Catch up on some filing. Hell, bring a book and read it in the car, or listen to your favourite music.

If he hasn't done what you would have done in his place, call him out on it.

"Why hasn't dc had their bath? Were you just waiting for me to get home and do it because you couldn't be bothered? Okay, so I'll be doing that in future then".

The aim is to give him the experience of what you actually do when he isn't there. It's easy not to notice things being done when you're not there to see them happening.

How long have you been together? Do you have DC?

Its hard to tell from your OP whether or not your relationship is in trouble.

People can become complacent when in a relationship for a long time - they take each other for granted, and this may be what is happening here. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I think you need to have time for yourself, and stop looking to him for reassurance...can you take up a hobby / class / meet friends a few times a week, so that you aren't home before him? He can then take care of himself, and you can have some fun / relaxation.

Once you establish a life outside the home, your self esteem should rocket. This means hopefully, that you will become less bothered by the lack of attention and/or you will become more attractive to him.

I could be talking out of my arse, but wanted to reply. I could have written your post a few years ago.

I think kays idea is fab.

ah, just seen that you do have DC. How old?

Do his working hours dictate the situation? What time does he get home? Is it possible that he picks them up from school / nursery?

I think kaykay has the right idea, although I would be tempted not to lie about working overtime...just tell him you have a pilates / yoga class after work, or meeting friends for dinner, and he will need to pick up kids / do the routine.

And actually do the things you say you will do - find a class you like, catch up with friends once a week - make time for yourself, let him know what you are doing, let him see you have a life outside of the home

Have you tried to tell him how you feel?

I love your idea kays, but dh is not able to leave work before 6. I have to get the dc (4 and 7) from school so need to be there. He normally gets home just before 7 by which time the house is calm, dc are ready for bed, tea is ready etc. Even then I sometimes have to ask him to read them a story as he blatently thinks his day has been harder than mine. It isn't that I don't enjoy being able to be with the dc but I hate the feeling of being taken for granted and never complimented.

I should make an effort to go out in the evening, but rarely do as I do enjoy just relaxing once the dc are in bed!

arrange to meet your friends for dinner after 7, and force yourself to do it. Once a week, or fortnightly.

When he sees that you have a life outside of the house, he may buck his ideas up?

Could you explain how much work you do before he gets home, and ask him to take a few half-days off work so he can experience it for himself?

Or if you think he wouldn't see the point, can you schedule something unavoidable so he has to do it without saying anything?

Then breeze in at seven and be all sympathetic: "Oh, you didn't manage to get the dishes done! I know, I'm always running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to get everything out of the way."

I don't know why I feel unable to tell him why I am annoyed with him. I don't want to start a big competitive moan about how much I do, but I do want to communicate this in a way that doesn't start an argument.

Thanks ARGH. Actually I do fancy an exercise class so I shall look what's on offer near us.

I really honestly think that once you are out of the house, and have your own life / hobbies, there should be a shift in things. Even if it still means you are doing the lions share in everything, you are making time for yourself - you will feel better about yourself plus he will see that you are independent from him and enjoying your life. That may make him stop and think.

How about weekends? Could you arrange for your new hobby to be on a saturday or sunday? Leave him to fend for himself?

OP - I'm not sure I understand.

Why is it possible for you to leave work early and sort out the kids, but somehow "impossible" for him?

Is it because you are a woman - and therefore in his eyes - of course your employers won't mind you fucking off early for the kids, because that's what women are supposed to do?

Is his job somehow that much more important, that his important man job couldn't possibly exist without him staying until six?

Does he do the morning drop offs? If not, why not?

It seems to be that you have accepted a situation where you revolve your work around the kids, and he thinks that would be unacceptable for him.

I smell bullshit to be honest.

I'll ask again: why is possible for you, yet "impossible" for him?

Maybe when he gets home breezily say 'I picked up the children for you. I made them their dinner for you. I helped out with their homework for you. I've cooked the dinner for you. I've made the bed for you. I've taken the bin out for you for everything Like lots of men seem to say to their wives.

You need to speak to him.

If he is out of the house longer because of work than you then it is fair that you do a bit more but you shouldn't be busting a gut so that he never has to do anything in the house or with the kids and both get the same amount of leisure time.

How are chores/childcare split at weekends?

Hi kay. You are right, my work does revolve around the kids. I wouldn't mind at all if he just recognised what I do. I do love being able to pick up the dc and be around for them in the evening.

'and both get the same amount of leisure time'. should be 'and you should both get... '

I think there are a lot of people in your position, op. You aren't alone!

But it's up to you how you handle it. Either you pull him up on it, or leave him, or say to yourself: if he can't appreciate me, then I am going to appreciate myself, give myself time off, "rewards" and inject some fun into your life, without him. You don't seem to be having much fun with him, so go out and find it for yourself. He may well start to feel an iota of what you are feeling: ignored and unappreciated.

Getting home earlier shouldn't always mean you have to do everything. I'm a teacher. I'm beyond exhausted when I get in. Dh can't get in before me, as he has a long commute and his company don't believe in flexible working.

We both get resentful of each other, but neither has an answer. I'm too knackered to do anything after a 9 hour non stop day on my feet all day. It's crap

I am going to tell him how I feel as i hate this resentment simmering away inside me! I don't really know the answer but a bit of appreciation would make me feel much better.

Good luck. Try and keep calm, if you feel yourself getting het up, deep breath. He may not take you seriously if you are over emotional about it (in my experience anyway.)

let us know how you get on

Thanks for your support, you have been really lovely. I will definitely try to keep calm which may be hard as I feel so cross now!

I'm glad you're just going to talk to him.

Fun though it is to talk about making him experience it, I really don't see how that is useful. As a one off (even for a full week) it's a novelty for parent and child, fun, and none of the added resentment or sense of ongoing drudgery. Tbh, I think it could be counter productive! Resulting in a partner thinking - why the fuss, it wasn't that hard!

If you work part time (sounds possible that you do, if you finish at school time?) then actually I think it can be a fair split to do more in the home.

CAN BE. Before I get roasted!
If you work in the home until he gets in then you both relax, I think that's fair. But it does depend on the detail!

You need to watch as well that you're not doing more than is needed.

I think you need to have a good think about the fundamental issue. If it is that you feel invisible, and you don't make time for each other - I'd focus on that first.

I'd far rather my partner said "I miss us having time for each other and noticing each other - let's have a date" than " you don't do your share of the washing up". But it does depend what the core issue is.

I agree with kaykay you need to break the idea that if you are both working f/t, that only one of you can come home and pick up the children. If you are part-time, it's a little different, but you do need acknowledgement you are working til he gets in at 7, so you both need to finish up the bedtime stuff and both get relaxation after that (not one of you doing the washing up/cleaning til 9, the other with their feet up).

It helps to be flexible though, my husband does do the dishwasher, but often the next morning by 8am, not at night. I can live with that. He sometimes lets bedtime drag on a bit, I can live with that too.

Sometimes men stay at the office knowing full well if they go home, they will be on childcare duty. This may not be the case for him, but perhaps it is- perhaps there is one or two days a week he could come back a bit earlier.

Maybe you should buy your husband a copy of "wife work" and ask him for his views on it...

www.amazon.com/Wifework-Marriage-Really-Means-Women/dp/B0000VZED2

Believe me I could bet a million dollars his day is not harder than yours.

Was his DM a SAHM so he saw her life as easy and effortless while his DF actually Worked outside the home for a living.

Unless he really hates his work and is forced to do it to keep a roof over your head I could bet a lot of it is not bad.

I think going out because 'You are exhausted by the time the DCs are in bed, and need a break' or similar, and going to a class might wake him up. What about getting a cleaner to make sure all is pristine for your return home.