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Original poster

When the DCs leave home....

13 replies

EleanorRigsby · 01/10/2014 04:26

I was wondering in anyone else had been in this situation.

We've been a couple for 34 years been married for 20 years. We have 1 DC at Uni and the other is about to finish schooling and plans to head back to the UK to 'find herself' and maybe decide what she wants to study in 12 months or maybe longer (job offers gratefully accepted)

But we are becoming empty-nesters and I'm worried that DP and I will drift apart or break up as DCs have been a major focus for 21 years and we dont really share much in the way of interests that we do together.

DP has even said quite matter-of-factly that we might break up; not as any threat, but I guess he may be worried (or not!) about it too. I was quite upset as my first thought was that he was planning something, but we talked and he convinced me that he'd just said that was often what happens when children leave home.

I just wondered what other's experiences may have been and did you split or hold it together?

OP posts:
Horsemad · 01/10/2014 14:08

Time to start planning things to do together after your DD has left!

I'm already starting to think about it and my youngest doesn't go to uni for another 3 yrs!!

springydaffs · 01/10/2014 14:12

Blimey, he's a bit blasé about it isn't he ?

What do you want op? Do you want to stay together?

(Nb -I don't have a partner and the empty nest was hard. So bear that in mind.)

Shakey1500 · 01/10/2014 14:13

Indeed, can only advise start talking and start planning Grin

We know exactly roughly what we're going to do when DS is self sufficient. And he's only 7 Grin

GemmaTeller · 01/10/2014 14:20

We've been together 25 years and have no children at home now.

Treat this time as your time now, to rekindle your relationship etc.,

Do you not go out for meals together or have days out together or have you drifted far apart and just live in the same house?

Its a weird time as you're a parent but your children rely on you less and less and you have to step back and not be interfering or overbearing but still always be there for them.

Whilst our son is very good at keeping in touch and visiting our daughter literally went to uni and said 'see ya' and has no intention of moving back home (we'll see)

DH and I spend a lot of time together, walk the dogs, meals out etc.

Onlyonamonday · 01/10/2014 14:31

My dd1 has just gone off to uni , my dd2 last year of sixth form
Dh and I have also always focused on family life and our dc
But I have to say I am enjoying this stage of our life as we have made sure we have our own shared interests
We have discovered we love biking so have been discovering all the bike trails and that's a healthy cheap day out ...good for mind and soul.
We go out for meals together and had our first holiday this year just the two of us. ( back on our honeymoon again) we felt young and happy in the knowledge that after 18 years of thinking about the dc and what they want and where they would like to go , we only had ourselves to think about for that time.
Of course our dc still come first and we will always be there for them but it's nice when they get more independent.
You and your DH must find interests together think about how you were when you first met. Get the fun back Wink

kaykayblue · 01/10/2014 15:08

That was a pretty prickish thing for him to say.

Why not plan an amazing holiday somewhere? Go somewhere you wouldn't have been able to afford with the three of you, or that dc wouldn't have been interested in.

I recommend somewhere totally alien, like Japan - go and climb mount fuji. There are tons of super old people that do it as well as tiny kids. It's pretty much a free for all, and not too hard.

Have something to plan towards and look forward to. Get excited about.

Then just get excited! Ask you partner if there's anything he wants to do now there is more time - learn language? start ballroom dancing? Run a half marathon?

I think part of it is getting excited together about the possibilities, and actually taking some of those possibilities forwards.

Original poster
EleanorRigsby · 03/10/2014 05:15

When DH said "we might break up" I really needed to put that onto the context of a conversation that discussed many other options.....it was me that just focused on that one. So sorry that it seems so melodramatic in my posting. We have said about buying an apartment now and hopefully having it paid off by the time we retire....we've talked about getting a RV and traveling around....a cruise, and international travel. But the odd thing is that whatever we come up with one of us if far more enthusiastic than the other. Ands it's not like we cannot compromise, but neither of us wants to out the other one out.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 03/10/2014 14:32

Sorry, don't understand your last sentence - neither of you wants to 'put one another out' - of the house/marriage; or offend one another?

Keep exploring until you find something you are both excited about. Or alternate between what you each like. You've neglected your marriage by the sound of it: lots of catching up and work to do. You won't get it back on track by being halfhearted, you both have to be committed here.

Original poster
EleanorRigsby · 03/10/2014 20:46

Oh the wonders of auto text, and iPad keyboard, fat fingers and awful typing.....yes Springy "put the other one out" is correctly guessed.
I didn't realize I/we had been neglecting our marriage..... But maybe we have just been living our lives and happily plodding on without focus for us as a couple.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 03/10/2014 21:05

I think it's an easy/common situation to fall into when kids come into the mix.
Just plodding on and getting through is what an awful lot of people do. Then, when the nest is empty, that's when the yawning gap becomes obvious.

You have time to deal with this OP, but don't delay! Smile

springydaffs · 03/10/2014 23:25

Yy I got that it was put and not out, but I still don't understand what you mean! What the phrase actually meant, as it is indistinct, could have a double meaning
if this is how you talk together im not surprised you can't reach a decision

Is that bad taste to make a joke about?

Milllie · 04/10/2014 11:30

How is the relationship between the two of you now Eleanor? Is it romantic, do you hold hands and does he tell you that he loves you and take you out on dates etc? Sounds like the passion is missing and his comment sounds like he feels that there is a lot missing in the relationship for him. Hopefully this will now be an early wakeup call for you both to find each other again as a couple rather than just being parents.
Its hard when they leave the nest but you adjust and it becomes more normal. My DH and I have been together for 30 years now and have been doing date nights and days out for the last 10 years. We got into a rut before then and realised before it was too late. Since then it has been like being a young couple again.

angstridden2 · 04/10/2014 11:35

Honestly, the uni terms go so quickly and then they're back before you know it so your empty nest won't be empty for much of the year - in fact they will fill it up with their junk and visiting friends! I wondered what it would be like when they all went off but it's been great - we can do what we like (bed in the afternoon for example!). Don't forget that these days they boomerang back and forth for many years anyway after university so I suspect a permanently empty nest is a few years away.

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