blame for ex's behaviour

[ClockworkAngel]

Hello again, I posted this thread the other day www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2195781-over-reaction

The reason I have started a new thread is I think this is a seperate issue. I am talking about my family's response to what has happened to me this weekend and the last two years in general. This will be a long post I am sorry.

I had been seeing a guy for five months up until early hours Sunday morning when I had to get the police to remove him from my home because he had done and said some very frightening and disturbing things. It is over I will not go back with this man.

My parents are blaming me for what happened. A lot of shit has gone on but basically my mum and dad came round at 9 last night. My mum plonked her arse on my couch sobbing her heart out with my dad stood pointing his finger at me and saying I have caused my mum to be ill with stress. He said I keep getting into these messes and he is 'absolutely fucked off with sorting them out' i am an 'inconvenience' they have said its my fault, I have put my daughter in danger and I am a fool. I must add up until Sunday morning my now ex boyfriend showed no indication of being violent or abusive. They also said all the help they give me and I wont even do what they say. I feel as though I have to earn their help and support by doing what they want me to do. I am 23 by the way, with my own child and home not a rebellious teenager who still lives at home with her parents. But they hardly help me anyway. My mother sits in every tuesday whilst I go to college for the evening. Thats about all the help I get which I am very grateful for.

My mum has just come round again, we made friends but again, we ended up arguing with me saying I need more support and my mum basically saying well you brought it all on yourself and she doesnt care how I feel thats the least of her cares. She again said I am all to blame and I said I dont need this, I feel bad enough and told her to please get out and dont contact me again.

Regarding the other 'messes' i have got myself into; they are referring to my falling pregnant at 20 with a guy who nearly a year down the line turned emotionally, mentally and financially abusive to me. Again, he completely had me believe he was lovely and caring. No indication at the beginning he was like this. But because he had two children from a previous relationship and came from a certain area of town my parents didnt like they hated him from the start and now use it against me and said I missed the 'cues' which they could see meant he would turn nasty I hope Im making sense.

My dad does frighten me. There is no arguing with him he just shouts you down. My mum is not quite as bad but shes so wrapped up in herself and how things affect her. My parents were abusive to us as kids.

I am completely isolated. I have only one real friend who lives in another part of the country. I already have been to see my domestic violence support worker yesterday and I cant see her today its her day off.

This weekend has floored me. Im filled with guilt, fear and sadness. My house is a shit tip, no food in, toddler to see to and I cant muster the energy to even shower. I feel depressed again, I havnt felt like this in over a year.

This year has been brilliant and things were looking up but now its all gone to shit.

I dont even know why Im posting. Is it me? Am I bloody crackers? I dont know what to think or feel anymore. I am fed up. I feel like I need more emotional and practical support but I feel as if I dont deserve it.

please excuse the appalling grammar I am sat breastfeeding whilst typing this one handed on my mobile phone I am not a complete idiot honestly.

Thanks for even reading if you have got so far. I hope it makes some sense.

no it is not your fault. You are not responsible for the behaviour of others. Your parents are wrong - and extremely toxic.

I have my Nan, my Dad's Mum, who will help. In fact she let me stay on Sunday overnight and she is brill with my Daughter.

I feel bad for asking her though as she is always quite busy helping my cousin with his children and I don't like to feel like a nuisance.

I think I need something though even just a phone call so I may just ring her later for a chat.

Not your fault at all :(

Your parents were abusive, children of abusive parents unconsciously often find abusive partners.

I would strongly recommend getting on to The Freedom Programme. It's all about breaking that cycle.

I'm so sorry you have had such a rough time.

I think it's time to distance yourself from your parents. The last thing you need is more contact with them. I really think that you will feel a lot better when you see them less.

Your dad is a bully, your mum makes the fact that you went through a violent experience all about her, these are not people who are capable of supporting you :(

You are brilliant in your own right. You're raising a toddler, going to college... So what if the house is a mess this week and you get by on little? Just get through this week however you need to (I strongly recommend duvet days, DVDs and toddler snuggles).

It might be worth seeing your gp just to nip any depression in the bud.

And give yourself an enormous pat on the back! Your ex got violent and you got rid! That is something to be proud of. You're not responsible for his actions, but your reactions were all right! Well done you!

You have taken rapid action. So well done. The house can wait whilst you focus on you and DC. You have been ARE being really strong and brave.
Your parents are being a drain on your emotional energy, look to those friends who will and can be there for you - not burdening you with their own reactions to what you are going through.
You're not being a nuisance in asking for support right now, you're being realistic about getting on and moving forward.

Thank you all for each response. Again, like last time, I really appreciate it. It makes me feel so much better to know there are people who understand and support me.

It has been quite a revelation realising what my parents really are. Only very recently I realised my siblings and I went through and saw things in childhood which were definitely not right. I will take a step back from them, not cut them out completely but try and work on getting a lot more independent.

Thankyou

My parents used to be like this, my Mum especially, any time anything went wrong for ME, somehow it became all about them. I could never approach them for help of any kind, would be hysterical panic, shouting etc. I ended up really screaming back at them finally and things have been easier since. We are not close at all and that's the way I prefer it.

I will definitely do the Freedom Programme. Just looking it up now. Heard so many good things about it. Also will take the advice of just chilling out and being easier on myself.

And yes NickiFury, exactly like that. I have never met anyone as negative, cynical and pessimistic as my Mum. I am getting sick of people just making excuses for them like 'it's only because they care'. The way they behave is far more than that, they're controlling and officious. I forget I am an adult sometimes with them.

you can do the Freedom Programme online too if you want

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

Try to find a group though, you'll meet a bunch of people with similar experiences, and you'll realise you're not to blame, just as they aren't :)

Definitely take it easy. You've been through something huge. Let yourself be shocked and adjust to what's happened. No one takes something like that in their stride.

Things will get better :) nice men do exist. But I think you need to enjoy being single first. Have a bit of "me" time.

People who say "they only do it because they care" have no experience of families like yours. They mean well but they're talking rubbish. Do what is best for you (and dd of course!).

Have a look at the "but we took you to stately homes" support threads for children of abusive parents and see if you want to post there. I've only just discovered it but some of the posters have really good advice and experience to share.

Sounds like you pick men based on your dad's character... Read back what you have written about him.

Your mother has clearly made this frightening thing all about her and it is your fault

Have you thought about going NC? They don't seem to bring much to your life.

Oh horrible, passive-agressive; you poor thing ClockworkAngel. I've just read your other thread and replied before I realised that I was way too late for it

Yes, get on a Freedom Programme.

Does your college have a creche? Can you ask your teacher if they know of anyone who could sit with your dd while you're in class?

I feel so reassured and better about myself and my feelings after all your lovely responses. For too long I have let my parents make me feel like some disobedient little shit and I won't take it anymore.

Yes I agree I have in the past probably let shitty behaviour from my ex partners slide because it's just normal to me I guess.

What does NC mean? Sorry I'm not all well up on all the acronyms. I must admit, when I'm plodding on and not complaining and basically making my parents lives easier we can get on brilliantly. They seem to have mellowed out since us kids have grown up and they have much more patience but this does not excuse the shite I get when they're unhappy with me. Also, what hurts is they have so much love, affection and patience for my daughter. I very rarely had that with them when I was a child.

I will definitely have a look at that thread too thanks thebrideishighbutimholdingon.

I am struggling with college. DD is in bed at 7 every night and my class is 6-9 in the evening so I need someone to sit in the house unfortunately. I have another week to sort that out. I read your other post Jux and yes, they do like to point out all my mistakes. For instance, last year after having been single for 9 months I went on a date. One bloody date; you would have thought I had waltzed off to Gretna Green and married the guy. You wouldn't believe the bullshit I got off them. It was 'too soon' and 'it'll go tits up again and WE will be the ones picking up the pieces and sorting the mess out', 'you are not capable of making these decisions, you need us to make them for you' 'look at what happened with exbf, we warned you, we're warning you now you will end up doing the same with this one!'. Yes they did warn me, but 'warned' me against him already kids, they had no idea either he would turn out to be a bastard, no more than I did.

Ahh, I am just ranting now.

Thanks a lot everyone!

Rant away, Angel, rant away! Your thread, do what you want with it!

NC means 'no contact' (except when it means 'name change'). So, have you thought of going 'no contact' with them?

It sounds like you would benefit greatly from removing them from your life, but not necessarily completely or forever. Can you at least cut down the amount of contact you have with them? Maybe keep away from them for a month, ask your nan if she can have dd on Tuesday evenings?

I think it's great that you're going to college, and I know how hard that can be especially with a little one to look after as well. I was doing OU, with one evening tutorial a fortnight, dd was 13 and dh was at home, but it was a nightmare just trying to get the logistics in place every time (dh was being a bit of a knob, tbh), so I do admire you.

You will feel so much better if you surround yourself with people who are positive and encouraging. That's a lot easier said that done, especially if family are not like that. For the moment, be judicious in what you tell them; less is more, as they say.

Start with sorting out yourself. Do you find that when you make an error you have a voice in your head telling you how stupid/silly/thoughtless/blah blah blah you are. Stop it right now, and if you find yourself doing it, tell yourself to stop! Remind yourself of the good things you've done, when you made the right decision and so on. Remind yourself that people make mistakes, we all do, it's part of the human condition and you are human. Don't beat yourself up about the past, use it to your advantage by learning from your mistakes and taking steps to change things so you are better able to avoid repeating them. The Freedom Programme will help you avoid abusive boyfriends in the future. It will help you be more assertive without being aggressive (very hard), set your boundaries and enforce them assertively. You will find it very helpful when dealing with your parents too