Access to DD's phone

[Flapjacksmad]

My ex husband is extremely manipulative and has some kind of hold over one of our daughters in particular who has just turned 12. He constantly undermines me through contacting our daughters (12 and 9 years) via email/ phone conversation/ text etc encouraging them to lie to me. I don't mind them having contact with him and have always encouraged this but don't like the way he is manipulating them. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just won't talk to me. I don't even understand where all this came from as he left me for another woman in the first place so I don't know why he would bear a grudge at all. Both daughters live with me. My daughter is refusing to disclose her password. Is it right for me to insist that she tells me so that I can keep track of my ex's communication with her? I am not interested in reading her messages with her friends and wouldn't usually pry into anyone else's phone, am not insecure in any way and I wouldn't describe myself as an over protective parent, but I do feel extremely out of control with regards to my ex's behaviour and what he says to both our daughters. Would any other parents out there insist on knowing their children's passwords? Is this normal in terms of just protecting your children anyway? Any advice would be very welcome. Thanks.

If she's 12 then I'd want access to messages regardless. No password = no phone. Just take it off her!

Who bought her the phone?

Who pays the contract?

if you pry too deeply she will just find alternative communication

I think I would get quite heavy with a 12 year old on this.

Sit her down and talk to her first about safety and security. That good parents of people her age know their passwords, as it is the first rule of safe communication. That in your home, you wish to see her safe and that if she is not willing for you to have the password, then she isn't having the phone.

Then go on to speak to her about her dad's communication. You could lead on from talking about safety to talking about each parent's responsibility to work together to make sure their children feel safe and supported. Does she ever hear you saying nasty things about her Dad? No. Does she think that you sometimes don't agree with what he says and does? Yes of course. But you don't make her life harder by talking to her about that and making her take sides. You ESPECIALLY don't put her in danger by encouraging her to lie to her dad, by making her think that lying is ok. It's a horrid horrid thing to do, you are sure it makes her feel uncomfortable, so you don't do it. Most of all, it's DANGEROUS. Lying to your parents makes you less safe, because if you don't know what she is doing and where she is, if she ever gets in trouble, you can't help her.

So you look her in the eye and say - your dad is not helping you here. He is making you take sides, and that makes you less safe and less supported. I want to know what he says to you so that you don't have to feel uncomfortable making choices to tell me or not. I need to know what your dad says to you so that if there is a problem, I can go straight to him. In return, you know that anything I say to you, you can tell him. There is not a problem with that either. Hopefully, if your dad knows that I would be able to see messages he might send you, he will stop telling you to lie to me and other things that make your life more difficult. But that's for him and me to sort out and not something you should be worrying about. But don't think for one MUNUTE that when you are under my roof, you will be able to lie to me and keep important things from me, or have a password on your phone under my roof until you are a LOT older.

As for your messages to your friends, they are your business, in the same way that if you wanted to, you could go into my bedroom or my handbag and go through my things, but I trust you not to.

Great post Castlemilk

Other issues aside, I think it's perfectly acceptable not to allow a 12 year old to have a password on their phone, full stop. She removes the password or you stop paying for the phone.

Castlemilk,

i do not agree that her messages to her friends are her business and nothing to do with mum. I consider it responsible parenting to check her phone messages and internet history.

That apart sound advice.

It would be a cold day in hell before I didn't regularly check my almost 12 year olds phone. Take it away from her altogether until she understands you are in charge. All DS's messages are my business and will be for quite a while, he potentially lacks the maturity to understand the ramifications said/posted in jest or without thinking

At 12, I'd be wanting to have access to my DD's phone/emails/etc, anyway, regardless of the contact with her father.

I did indeed buy the phone and pay for the contract. Thank you all for your replies. It makes absolute sense now that she has no password and I should have access to the phone. She however says her friends' parents don't have access to their phones, but in all probability the issue has probably never come up with them and she doesn't know this for sure. I am pretty sure they do actually have access too.

getthefeck - should have added that although I'd say that to her, I'd make sure I checked all her messages... Probably not quite kosher if I'd said I wouldn't, but I simply wouldn't take chances there...Not at 12.

I am sure some of DS's friends parents don't check their phones or Instagram accounts... Potty mouthed little so & so's

Wow interested to read all these responses. At 12 I would have hit the roof if my parents started looking at or asking to look at my phone. I would have done something petulant like broken the phone on purpose. I think it would have affected my relationship with whoever was checking (mum or dad).

I didn't like the sound of it. But consensus seems to be you are entitled to check. I'm not a parent so they're probably right I suppose.

FWIW DS (12) discloses all contact between him and his father. He has passwords on his tablet/iPod/mobile, but I have full access.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think if you do this she will just tell her Dad and he will buy her a new phone.

Dirtybadger Did you have access to the internet on your phone when you were 12?

I still have passwords now and my kids are 15. Difference is that now is that I'd only look if I had serious concerns. At 12, there was the occasional cursory glance to make sure all was well. Quite happy with passwords, because it stops idiots posting stupid stuff if they get hold of phones.

... and if he does buy her a new phone, that's where you start talking to him about seeing a solicitor, supervised contact due to concerns with safety and attempts at parental alienation, and warn him that so far, you've been very supportive of their relationship, and if that gets withdrawn, he'll soon see a big difference in the dynamic.

Your children live with you and you have primary responsibility for their safety. You having to speak to the school and warn them, for example, that they might need to keep an extra eye on your children because their father is trying to make sure that they have unprotected internet access and encourages them to lie to their mum - well that's going to make him look ace, isn't it? Is that what he wants?

Great post Castlemilk.

My DD is 13 and DS is 11. I know their passwords and glance through their devices from time to time. They know that. I tell them that it's my phone / iPad, I bought it, I pay the bills, the contract is in my name etc. However, because I am a nice parent, I give it to them to use!

For me, it's a simple matter of safety and learning appropriate behaviour. They also know not to use the device to convey any message / image that would get them into trouble if it was seen by a parent.

Dials I honestly can't remember. Maybe? When did phones start having internet? I suppose I probably didn't. But the OP isn't worried about internet usage anyway just messages? Which I did use.

I'm not sure what use it is. I understand the internet checking but surely kids just delete messages? Most 12 year old kids these days would know how to delete browser history too I think but messages, definitely.