Would appreciate any support or advice

[IsThereSunshineAfterTheRain]

Hi, I’m looking for some support, I’ll try not to make it too long. I’m 39 and have a 5 year old son – I was with his dad for 8 years until Jan this year. I grew up in a dysfunctional/abusive family and it’s only this year I have realised just how much it’s affected my life. I have had 4 long-term partners and all of them have been abusive, although not extremely if that makes sense, and always nicer in the beginning. I have always tried to make the most of my life despite having a crappy childhood and no support from my family – I left home at 17 and have had little contact since – most contact I have had with them has made me feel worse.

On the positive side, I managed to get myself good qualifications, I have had well paid jobs in the past (highly stressful/pressurised) and have a reasonably paid job now, I have my own house (with mortgage). However, as mentioned I’ve always picked partners who don’t treat me well, but have stuck with them I guess because it was better than how my family treated me. Unfortunately, I have also picked crappy friends (or they have picked me).

Since being pregnant with my son, my ex’s behaviour towards me got more and more horrible. Whenever I mentioned splitting up, he would be super nice, but then things would go back. It was only when I browsed Mumsnet I realised it wasn’t right and decided to split for good if only for my son’s sake – this was January this year. After we split I read the Lundy book ‘Why does he do that’ and it was a shock. When I think how he treated me now it makes me feel sick.

As soon as we split it was a relief, the atmosphere at home was completely different and it felt like the best decision I’d ever made. I had high hopes for the future and decided I would sort myself out and turn my life in a different direction. However, it hasn’t been as easy as I anticipated and it seems like it’s been one negative thing after another – there are too many to list all of them.

Just after we split I had a tax credits investigation, had to give them all bank statements and all other paperwork, I had nothing to hide but was worried, also had to wait a couple of months for any money to come through. I also had a huge bill for car repairs, I had to sell stuff to raise the funds.

My few ‘friends’ who had on reflection always been relatively self absorbed anyway were really unsupportive. On reflection, a couple of them were in unhealthy/abusive relationships themselves so me leaving mine probably made them feel uncomfortable. The others were relatively indifferent but I was just glad to have some kind of social life without my ex.

A couple of months after we split, I had viral meningitis and had to go into hospital, and none of my friends were overly concerned. I asked 3 of them to come and see me (ones who I'd always supported when they were ill or needed something) and they were busy or just ignored me, I just had texts asking how I was and get better soon. One was quite supportive, which I surprised about and glad of at the time, but not soon after she lost interest and only keeps in touch now on her terms.

Work is ok, I was really lucky to get the job after 3 years being SAHM, which I needed to be able to leave the ex. I remember feeling so relieved and pleased I got it. However, I wouldn't call it a positive environment, it’s a small office and there’s a lot of moaning and bitchiness there, I just keep focussed on the work and am grateful it pays my bills.

I have tried different things to get my life in a more positive direction – I started a course which is really interesting but 60% have dropped out. Attendance is really sporadic which means building any connections has proved impossible. I also joined a gym, but only met one friendly person who I used to chat with but then they left. I have tried to make efforts with neighbours, but either they have full lives with partners/children/family/friends already, or their values are completely different from mine (e.g. telling me they washed their 3 year old son’s mouth out with soap for saying 'fuck').

I do see a counsellor, I can only afford to see her once a month. It has been helpful but it also feels like I am just paying someone to listen to me sympathetically, it doesn’t seem to make a difference to my life but then I guess that is down to me?

In the meantime, my ex is being super nice, says he’s changed blah blah blah he has said he wants us to get back together. I can see he is trying to manipulate me, he likes reminding me that he is being nice/supportive towards me when no-one else is. I find it hard as I see him often because of contact with my son, and I like talking to him about my son and how he’s getting on etc, because he is the only person who is remotely interested! It is also hard that I have no-one to support me with any problems I have either practical or emotional, for example, health problems, childcare issues, financial issues, someone screaming road rage at me etc. I am 99% sure I would never go back with him but I feel a bit lost at the moment, it feels I can never break free of the patterns....it’s all been quite negative since we split so in some ways feels like I haven’t really gained anything? The loneliness really gets to me....the only thing that keeps me going at the moment is I have a really positive relationship with my son. I just don’t know what to do anymore, this doesn’t feel like the life I want to live??

The first thing I would like to say is congratulations on getting out of the relationship with your DS's dad. That was incredibly brave of you, especially given the complete lack of RL support you have. Please don't even have a 1% thought of getting back with him, though - it may not feel like it, but you really have come a long way since you left him.

I don't have any practical suggestions, apart from to say carry on doing what you're doing! Is looking for another job an option yet, or do you not want it to look as though you're job hopping? If it's tolerable, you probably should stay for a while longer.

I can see why this doesn't feel like the life you want to lead, but you have so much going for you - a strong personality and a lovely DS to name but two. Just give it time. I bet if somebody had told you last September that in a year's time, you'd have left your DP and be supporting yourself financially, you wouldn't have believed them; you have no idea how different your life could be this time next year. Stay strong .

Oh my lamb. It sounds like you have been through so much already.

Firstly, your ex is a horrible person, and under no circumstances should you even consider letting him back into your life. He can probably tell that you are feeling lonely and isolated - which makes you perfect prey for a temporary niceness onslaught. Going back would be so, so much worse.

Loneliness is incredibly draining. It's almost suffocating. I've not been in your exact situation, but I have been through a period of life where it felt like I mattered to absolutely nobody. I think the only thing to do is to look ahead. Try and set yourself goals to plan for in the future - even if they seem incredibly unrealistic. Things like: Climb mount fuji, or go wine tasting in france, or whatnot.

On the smaller things you could consider changing at the moment:

• When you've finished your course (and stick to it! It's a big achievement!), look into taking language classes. You can normally find cheap ones, and by very merit, you get to talk to other people. The conversations might not make much sense, but it's part of the fun! It's also another thread to your bow.

• Watch movies or programmes in whatever language you're learning. It makes it a much more focussed and productive activity than just sitting in front of the tv thinking "...why am I watching this crap?"

• Instead of the gym (which do tend to be pretty anti social) maybe look to see if there are any sports clubs near you that you could join. Running clubs are normally very friendly. Even if you are a total beginner and can only go once or twice a week, it's good for your health, you have something to talk about, and get to socialise a bit more.

• For your work, sit down when you have a moment and work out what skills you are getting from it. Have a think about what kind of area you would like to move into, and what skills you would need to work on to get there. It doesn't have to be a massive career change - it could be just working for a bigger company, or in a niche area of your current role. Keep an eye out for job opportunities and go for them. You may get a lot of rejections, but that's okay. Disheartening, but okay! The fact is that you will know that you are making an effort to improve it. And in many cases, knowing that you are striving to change something can make you feel better about yourself.

Bloody hell. Read your post back. How much you have achieved! How amazing are you. !
Ok work is shit. But you still work. You can make steps to move onwards and upwards.
You recognise your ex is attempting to manipulate you.
You have come so far. It can only get better. Don't wobble.

It's not always easy to find the life that we would desire as life can often conspire against us. You have, however, achieved so much and don't lose sight of that.
Loneliness and indeed aloneness can be very hard to endure especially with the long winter months ahead of us. However, trying to alleviate loneliness is very often the one cause that can make us make, or maintain, unsuitable relationships.
Your ex will not change as most of us are unlikely or unable to fundamentally change either our personality or behaviour.
Have you tried something like yoga or Pilates which may really help to unclutter your thoughts and relax your body. If you are religious then your local church may be good way to meet new people.
You could post on places like mumsnet to meet other local mums whom you could hopefully strike up friendships with. An organisation like Gingerbread may have some good advice/ideas too about finding new friends.
It's great that you can keep on good terms with your ex but do not use him as an emotional crutch. He is your ex for a reason; make sure you remember those reasons in those moments when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable.

From reading your post you have achieved an incredible amount. You should be so proud of yourself.
It's so easy to look at the negative and not see all the positive. Your strength, determination, your son, getting a job, leaving your child's father , battling an illness and being independent. I doubt I would have that strength.

Patience! It's only been a few months! Making a new life for yourself takes a lot of effort and time. You are on the right track with starting the gym, counselling (look into NHS counselling for free, yes once a month isn't enough) and you are doing a fabulous job sifting the wheat from the chaff (your 'friends')
You are being too hard on yourself, you deserve a pat on the back instead! You will make new friends, but it needs to happen without the air of desperation. Relax. Through your hands up and say 'whatever will be, will be', let go of trying to force the situation.
Keep moving forward, even if it is at a snail's pace. You already have put positive things into place, keep going!
Oh, and keep contact with ex to an absolute minimum! Boundaries, boundaries and then more boundaries! Do not get suckered in !You can't move forward if you keep looking back.

wow so pleased to get some nice replies - thankyou :)

Some good ideas there and thanks for helping me look at the positives...

I have looked into getting free counselling from many different places but hasn't worked out for various reasons...

I don't feel desperate exactly and if i hadn't had so many things go wrong i don't think i would feel so despondent sometimes....

anyway all :)