Dumped. By text. After four years....

[aaamanda]

...He's 46 years old. Feel very low. It's like....another one bites the dust. There are no children.
I didn't want it to end. We had problems, mostly to do with communicating (!), but I come from the well-that's-the-thing-about-relationships school of we just need to work on them. But perhaps he's simply being more clear sighted than me? We had been upsetting each other increasingly often. But the first couple of years with him were some of the happiest times of my life and I felt very loving and committed towards him.
I feel very sad that I've lost that intimacy. I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to make him feel supported. He has a tendency to interpret everything as an attack on himself - if I try to explain my feelings for eg. And I've never found a way of overcoming this. Or even getting it across. I feel that I have owned up to problems - I can be too quick tempered, too needy - and have committed to go and see a therapist to try and work on my own issues. But he gave up.
I just feel....very empty. And a bit worthless. And sad. And embarrassed too. The thought of having to tell my family....ugh.

By TEXT? After 4 years? I would say that you are well out of it frankly. As someone with so little care for your feelings would never be a kind and loving partner. How cowardly of him for a start. You don't need to tell your family about the text, you can just tell them you are not together any more, that isn't embarrassing, you haven't done anything wrong. Go and do something really nice for yourself, you deserve it.
Were you living together?

He sounds like damn hard work, and an immature dick. I second the poster above - you're better off out of it. Take a bit of time, ignore him if/when he calls when you don't come running (I'll bet he does) then find an adult to have a relationship with, not pander to.

"He has a tendency to interpret everything as an attack on himself - if I try to explain my feelings for eg. And I've never found a way of overcoming this. Or even getting it across."

These seem like his failings and not yours. Sounds like you're better off out of it, although it might not feel like it at the moment.

Ending a long-term relationship by bloody text! How old is he, fifteen?

A 46 year old dumps you by text... that is not very classy. I would be furious.

Your first two years went well but over time you grew apart. Now it's over between you. That is all anyone else has to know.

Do not fall into the trap he set you, namely that carrying the entire weight of responsibility for the whole relationship on your shoulders. You were keen to listen, talk, rebuild. He was more interested in being defensive. He doesn't merit more support than you. It is an old trick, smoke and mirrors, persuading a partner s/he is the one at fault, and needs to learn how to conduct a relationship.

If he hasn't walked straight into a new liaison then he may get round to yanking your chain in the near future. Be sure not to give him any of your time because four years was long enough.

It's not very classy, Donkey, that's for sure.....
But then he's not very good at emotion, at communication, at walking away from arguments and calming himself down.....all flaws that I put up with because I have so many of my own.
The thing is that...I don't hate him. And I'm not angry. If anything I feel sorry for him. He couldn't cope and that's why he's done what he's done. But in terms of moving on....I just feel done in, exhausted, weary. I don't want to move on.
On the one hand, I admire his confidence in deciding that it's sufficiently my fault that he chucks me. On the other, I've done it in the past....when I was younger, I threw away relationships with good, loving men, because of something or other. And, I've been chucked too so I know how it goes: there ain't nothing you can do...
But maybe the text is the thing? That if that's the best you can do, then it's evidence that you've got bigger problems, frankly?

I am sorrt OP, what a terrible way for this to happen to you

I am interested in this though "I felt very loving and committed towards him"
and "I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to make him feel supported" and this combined with "I can be too quick tempered, too needy - and have committed to go and see a therapist to try and work on my own issues. But he gave up"

Firstly, it would seem that you are taking all of the blame upon yourself, you believe you have failed him in some way. and that had you been a better person you could have fixed yourself.

You know that he has difficulty with expressing his emotions but instead of locating this problem with him, you seem to have decided that you could have fixed this too.

The fact that he has dumped by text seems to underscore the whole problem. His problem with communication.

I would also add that I have known a man like this, he is a passive aggressive. Nothing is/was his fault, he punishes with silence and withdrawal, is completely unable to express himself and lives in fear of his own shadow. Unable to fully commit, unable to communicate effectively. Sometimes this stems from a fear of vulnerability and being hurt. Even what you say about being needy, it maybe that you are no more needy than anyone else, simply he perceives normal for pathologically needy because he is quite unable or unwilling to meet your emotional needs.

*sorry, not sorrt

Wow there lady. In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you have a slight "saviour" complex. This man is a grown adult - you can't, and shouldn't try to "save" him, or prop up his emotional needs.

But then he's not very good at emotion, at communication, at walking away from arguments and calming himself down.....all flaws that I put up with because I have so many of my own.

So you put up with him acting like a complete fucking moron, because you are human and therefore not 100% perfect.

Look, there is "accepting flaws" like an inability to cook anything more than two dishes, and being ratty when tired. Then there is "bending over backwards to accept shitty personality traits because you don't consider yourself worth more".

He sounds like a total knob end. I AM sorry that it finished like this. There is no sense of conclusion when someone behaves like this.

But rather than worrying about it, please try and focus more on your counselling and feeling good about yourself without anyone else in your life.

I wouldn't be too surprised if you noticed you actually start to feel much better without some useless man limpet like this in your life.

He has a tendency to interpret everything as an attack on himself

I think you sound like a cheery chirpy soul who has been caged by a glum self-obsessed idiot. Possibly a Narcissist.

Listen up: This was not your fault

Your tolerance levels are way too high! I know this because mine are too. For 2 yrs all was fine, for 2yrs not so. That's half the time. It was done, dear OP. It was simply done.

Not Your Fault

No, believe me, I think he has faults. It's just that we all do. And entering a new relationship in one's 40s, well there will be baggage....

I don't have a saviour complex. And the thing you say MinitheMinx about a fear of vulnerability and being hurt (on his side) rings very true. He has a mortal fear of being controlled. Can't bear even the sniff of it. And has never tried to confront/examine where that comes from. Hates the idea of blaming his parents. Can't even remember most of his childhood...

What I find difficult is this: I cannot simply go 'What a dickhead. Chucked by text. Tosser.' And move on...

I'm 42 years old and the one common theme in my relationship history to date is me. I don't think this is all his fault. But I don't know how much of it is simply an unfortunate mesh of neuroses - his fear of control, my sometimes loud and brash personality blah blah blah, how much is his - he has very few friends, I'm the longest relationship he's ever had - and how much is down to me, and things that I'm carrying around. I have a difficult relationship with my father...is this going to keep on playing out in every male relationship I have to the end of time?

Sorry. I know these are unanswerable questions. But it's been nice to have some input. Thank you.

No, I don't think you have a saviour complex, that isn't it. I think what it is, is a vulnerable man, who lacks the ability to express himself, living in fear of being overwhelmed, in fear of having to meet another's emotional needs,.. as you say, he fears being controlled. But he would fear that any woman, of any personality, over any period of time would seek to control him. Because he equates meeting other's needs, expressing feelings, supporting others as impinging upon his autonomy. He has issues basically. And it probably does stem from his childhood. You might not have a saviour complex, but anyone who loves another person, when that person is as you describe him, will start to modify their own responses. Some women will become more clingy, make more demands for a deeper bond, more time together etc, and this just makes it worse. If you have any issues with your own self-esteem dealing with a man like this will only make this worse. Your clinging will only make him worse and so it continues.

The fact you have had a difficult relationship with your father makes sense too. I suspect that this man cannot meet your needs because you have unresolved issues here. Maybe you need a lot of reassurance and to feel almost unconditional love, much like a father should have for his daughter?Counselling...keep at it.

As for the man, well you can't fix him, only he can do that. Read up about passive aggressive personality, if you get time, because I think he fits a lot of the criteria just from what you have said. Then heal and move on, even with help and counselling you are probably not good for each other.

I have a difficult relationship with my father...is this going to keep on playing out in every male relationship I have to the end of time?

I'm not sure what this has to do with current events. Was this man a father figure? Were the difficulties in your relationship a mirror of those with your father? Do you think you are replaying your father/daughter experience?

My DP of many years also left me with a text message recently. He was depressed at the time, but the effect is the same. That feeling that you weren't worth any effort / conversation and the frustration at not being given an opportunity to sort it out like adults. Just here to say I know how you feel, I know how much it hurts and no one deserves it x

Bit cowardly.. could he have been nervous of your 'quick temper'?

I think if you are thinking that there is a tendency to keep finding 'father' figures and/or work out issues from childhood then counselling would really help you.

Secondly, there are two ways of seeing this. Yes, you are the common denominator, so yes, it's possible it's your issues that are getting in the way. But it doesn't sound like it. The thing is, what you are writing is ALL ABOUT HIM. What he wants/thinks/feels/his childhood/his communication problems etc. and you also say he interprets every attempt at resolving things as an attack on him. It is not you that has failed here.

You need to be able to see why 'What a dickhead. Chucked by text. Tosser' is actually a healthy response. And to work out why you didn't cut your losses earlier, rather than trying to 'fix' something he was not interested in fixing.

You matter. A lot more than your actions on behalf of yourself suggest. You aren't worthless because he has rejected your relationship. Perhaps the common theme is that you are choosing Tossers, not that you're a bad person.

Def counselling!

I have no advice but I have to say having had something similar happen before I sympathise!

I am long over the man but the act took many years to get over.

My situation was different but similar. We were young (20's) and met abroad. We had a LDR and he moved to London to be with me.

We had a blissful 6 months after he arrived - we were planning a holiday, I was all but living at his flat share with him.

One day he calls me at work, he was on a train home had left his job and flat and wasn't coming back. He told me he'd bagged up my stuff and left it with his flatmate. Gave me some platitudes about it not being my fault and then HE TURNED HIS PHONE OFF.

He must have changed his number as I never heard from him again.

This was the bloke that I'd just hours previously had sex with, kissed goodbye, arranged to see later and who had told me that he loved me as he'd seen me to the train??

Anyhoo, this was over a decade ago and although I am fine about it all, the cowardice of this guy still stings, I am bringing my son up to ensure he never treats a person in such a way!

Sorry, as I say no real advice but it sounds like this man has a lot of issues and baggage (as you may yourself) and I am sure this will all be for the best?

X

By text? Well that just tells me that only can't he communicate, he's a fecking coward as well. You're better off out rather than propping up a man with more flaws and hang ups. Yes - in your 40's there A&E moew that are difficult to buff out but you can turn it around and say that the common thing in his failed relationships is him. Don't dump all the blame at your door.

*are more flaws

Damned silly keypad

the one common theme in my relationship history to date is me
That is the exact same for everybody surely.
For him as well. The fact he can't hold down a long term relationship and hasn't managed to with you speaks volumes.
Good grief, you see on here all the time, women who have been with men for years and years and the man still cheats. Is it the womans fault? Of course not.

To be honest, when I read your title I just thought, you're well rid, what an arse.