Is NC the only way? Please help me [triggers]

[LadyOfSnergleperfManor]

Have NC'd for obvious reasons! I’m sorry but this is going to be long! I will summarise as much as possible.

Background –

*My parents got divorced when I was 5 years old as my mum was having an affair with another man (who I will call ‘J’). My mum got custody of my sister and I and soon afterwards J moved in with us.

*He abused my sister and I sexually and emotionally on a daily basis for approximately 7-8 years.

*We/I told my mum about the abuse on two occasions (when I was approx. 9 and 11 years old). My mum threw J out of the house on the first occasion but he came back a few days later. On the second occasion she spoke to him about it and said that he was just messing around, it would never happen again, and not to tell my father. It didn’t stop.

*J abused me (both sexually and emotionally) in the same room as my mother on a few occasions. I don’t know if she noticed or whether she deliberately turned a blind eye. He was very cruel, and would goad, belittle and criticise my sister and I in front of my mum. He would also say horrible things about my wonderful dad, which broke my heart. Mum never said anything to him. Maybe she was scared.

*As I have post traumatic stress disorder I remember very little of my childhood. I remember some things but my younger sister has given me a lot of information about what happened to us.

*My mum claims to remember nothing either, she can’t remember us/me telling her about the abuse. It is possible the she has post traumatic stress disorder too. My sister said that my mum’s relationship with J was very volatile. He manipulated and controlled her and possibly may have assaulted her sexually too (my sister can’t be sure of this, it’s just a feeling she has).

*When I was 16 (a few years after the abuse stopped) I snapped and told my Dad about the abuse. He was (understandably) devastated and everything was blown open. Mum and J had to break up when the police became involved. Mum seemed to blame me. I moved in with my Grandad as I wasn’t welcome at home. I was extremely depressed, self harming and suicidal. It was a few months before my GCSEs but I wasn’t going to school as I was too much of a wreck. My mum, seemingly all consumed by her own pain, told my Dad that she didn’t love me, she never wanted to see me again, and as far as she was concerned she only had one daughter (my sister). This rejection was the worst thing out of everything that happened to me.

*After that point I had a relationship with my mum for a few years. It was ok, but strained. However, when I was 18 we had a stupid fight about something really minor. All of my anger against her blew up and I lost my temper entirely. I didn’t see her after that for 2.5 years as I was so angry. It wasn’t to punish her, I just didn’t want to see her.

*Gradually I started up contact again, and since then she has been on maternal overdrive. I wish I had never got back in contact. It has been 8 years now. I have tried so hard to have the mother/daughter relationship that she wants but I can’t do it any more. She calls me all the time, tells me she loves me, buys me presents etc etc. It all just feels SO uncomfortable and stifling. I can’t get over the fact of what she has done. Our relationship was fundamentally broken so long ago that it can never be repaired. The only reason I am in contact with her is for her benefit. She told me that if it wasn’t for my sister and I she would kill herself. She is very needy and vulnerable, and a real drain on my emotions.

*I never ask her for anything or burden her with my problems. Over the years I have had depression, self harm issues, substance abuse problems, low self esteem, post traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks (and possibly more that I don’t remember of the top of my head). I didn’t do well in my exams due to the problems I had during my GCSEs and A levels, and I have never fulfilled my potential in terms of qualifications and career. I never complain to her though. I told her once that I was going to counselling and she asked me why . It’s this utter denial that I can’t cope with either.

*This has all come to a head now as I gave birth to my first child, a daughter, 5 months ago. The instinct to protect her is so strong that it has brought the horror of my mum’s failings to the forefront of my mind. I cannot comprehend how she allowed things to happen. I was already having thoughts about going no contact with her, but this has made me think that this is the only thing I can do.

*I have spoken to my sister who has assured me that our relationship as sisters won’t suffer if I go NC with mum. She has a good relationship with mum as she has forgiven her and sees her as a victim too. I don’t entirely agree with this point of view, but I’m so happy my sister is doing so well emotionally (despite a number of previous similar mental health problems to the ones I’ve had).

Please can I have your thoughts?

I’m worried about the impact that NC will have on my daughter (and subsequent children of mine), the impact on my mum’s mental health (what if she does commit suicide?). What if my daughter is upset that she doesn't have a grandmother because of me? What if she blames me? Have I done everything that I can do to try and have a relationship with my mum? Is NC the only way? Sorry, lots of worries and questions.

Thanks for reading!

God, you have really been through the mill, haven't you? I'm so sorry. I think that if you need to go no-contact in order for you to heal, then that's just the way it is.

You are not responsible for your mother's choices, nor her mental health. If she wants to kill herself, that's her choice, and it certainly wouldn't be your fault.

I think for you to be the best mother you can be to your own family, you have to put yourself first for once and to really look after yourself.

Are you still in therapy?

First of all, I am so very sorry for what you have been through. It sounds like your mother utterly failed to protect you and keep you safe - such a basic duty as a parent. I'm not surprised to hear about your mental health issues. I'm an emotional abuse survivor myself.

I would suggest that you put your energy into taking care of yourself and your baby. You are the most important person in your own life and no one is more deserving of your love and care than you are. Your sister is a separate person from you and will handle things her own way. What you do is entirely your decision.

My advice is to trust your gut (not easy as an abuse survivor). If going NC feels like something that would make your life better, go for it. Do it. Allow yourself to have complex feelings about it but do it if it feels right. You owe your mother precisely nothing. She has no right whatsoever to put a guilt trip on you and to try to make you responsible for her happiness. How dare she.

You need to put yourself first here OP. I hope your life becomes more peaceful very soon x

And I cannot recommend therapy highly enough. You are dealing with some dark difficult stuff here and navigating it without professional support may be too difficult

Thanks

Yes, I am in therapy (thankfully!).

Thanks Lotta. Sorry to hear of your abuse too x

I wish I had never got back in contact. It has been 8 years now. I have tried so hard to have the mother/daughter relationship that she wants but I can’t do it any more. She calls me all the time, tells me she loves me, buys me presents etc etc. It all just feels SO uncomfortable and stifling. I can’t get over the fact of what she has done. Our relationship was fundamentally broken so long ago that it can never be repaired. The only reason I am in contact with her is for her benefit. She told me that if it wasn’t for my sister and I she would kill herself. She is very needy and vulnerable, and a real drain on my emotions.

Your priority is your daughter. Do you really think this is good behaviour for your daughter to be around? So needing and consuming?

She is making you choose where to put your energy because this behaviour is exhausting. You have to choose where to put your energy and it should go to your daughter. The torch goes down the generations, not up.

Does your mother behave like this with your sister? Presumably not? Does she somehow sense that you have never forgiven her and are not actually close to her, and so she's trying to force it?

I think here you need to sort out your own feelings as to your mother, you sound angry and conflicted and also as if you have some love for her, but her behaviour is just driving you away (please tell me if I'm reading too much into this!). Her denying what happened is absolute poison to the relationship between the two of you, actually. If she admitted it, then perhaps things would be better.

About the suicide threats - this is one of the lowest and most dispicable things someone can do to another human being. The only way to deal with it is to tell her to get mental health support and if she texts / phones that she's done something, ring 999. Almost all threats of this kind are just threats. Very, very occasionally it actually happens landing the poor bastard on the receiving end of the threats with serious guilt, but I'm afraid you need to face the (remote) chance of it happening. You can't live your live being battened on and leeched like this. You have your daughter.

For now, would it be feasible to speak to your mother alone (without your baby there) and say that you wish for less contact? Withstand the tears and crying and threats and gifts. Make it clear that the harder she makes it, the less you will want to do with her. Speak calmly and steadily and don't let her get to you. If she agrees to less contact, then set a schedule and be reliable - keep to it. Renegotiate straightforwardly, as and when you need to.

If you really don't want to do this, and no wonder given that you have a young baby, then yes, go no contact. You don't sound ready to really have a relationship with her even if she was normal, which all this neediness and take-take-taking of hers is not.

I went NC with my narc mum four years ago. I haven't regretted a day. She has tried to contact me, but I never respond. I think of her as a shark swimming the water and popping up every now and then when she smells blood.
Ultimately, you have to protect yourself and your daughter. (Think of her as a needy, selfish shark) Your daughter will see the type of relationship you have with your mum and it will help teach her what mum/daughter relationships should be. You don't want her to learn that way do you? Rather, you want DD to learn from you and your unconditional, protective love for her and how you actually show her that everyday. You know you will put DD needs to feel loved, wanted and safe above all else, right? Because that's what good mums do. You are a good mum and going NC with your mum can only be a good thing for you and your daughter.
The guilt and self-doubt do fade more each day as your confidence grows and that precious feeling of peace you will have and feeling the freedom from the almost real psychological chains drop away.
It's not an easy decision but I did it to save my life, literally.

Meerka Yes I think you're spot on when you say that perhaps she realises how I feel and that she's trying to force a relationship. That's why she behaves in such an overbearing way in terms of neediness and affection. And yes, her current behaviour (as well as her previous failings) are most definitely driving me away.

Speaking to her in person would be quite difficult atm as she has just moved abroad for work for at least 12 months. The physical distance between us has been quite a relief as I feel like I can breathe a little better! I have written a long letter to her saying that I want to go NC, and my reasons for doing so. It might have simply been a therapeutic exercise as I don't know that i'd ever have the guts to send it.

Startin I most definitely don't want my little girl to learn about mother/daughter relationships by looking at me and my mum . I want to be the mother to her that I never had, and show her what a wonderful relationship it should be.

Hopeful bump

Hi OP, I would avoid saying any of this to her face. You will be exposing all your raw and vulnerable feelings and its unlikely that you will be able to get what you need from her. She has spent forever minimising and ignoring your feelings - why would she change now? I know that is intensely painful but it's more bearable than opening up to her and getting nothing in return.

If you want to go low or no contact, you don't have to tell her. Just make your own decision and do it.

I am nc with my DM. Compared to your DM, she is a saint though.

My DC don't miss a relationship with her.

I don't think any of their friends have all four grandparents in regular contact: dead, living overseas, living oop north, not that into children, absent from the start (often father absent too), alcoholics not allowed contact, etc. Perfectly normal to have only one grandparents in your life.

Two of my grandparents died before I was born.

Don't send the letter. Just quietly stop responding to her messages so quickly, leave it longer and longer until finally you don't speak. nc-lite.

I wish I could just avoid her and not answer the phone/emails etc but I promised my sister that if I went NC I would tell mum where she stands. The silent treatment was how I went NC with her last time and my sister was in a difficult position as my mum was constantly badgering her - asking about me. Was I ok? Had she seen me? What was going on? It put her in a difficult position as she was caught in the middle. I don't think it's fair on her really.

My sister went nc with our abusive parents many years ago by sending a long letter outlining their abuse and telling them how much she'd been damaged by it. I was still in sporadic contact with them. Their reaction was amazing. They flatly refused to take in what she'd written and showed the letter to me asking what ever she meant by it all. They were in massive denial. So I wonder if it's any use at all sending letters, because abusers may disregard all the points made. My parents even said they reckoned she was totally mad!

They eventually both died having never seen their 2 GC. I kept in minimal contact but hated them cordially. More cowardly I suppose. We both continue to be affected by our childhood. I do recommend therapy/counselling as we have found it helpful.

I'm so very sorry for your suffering OP. Keep yourself steady in whatever way is best for you and your child.

OP, you really do need to put yourself first here. I know you promised your sister something but you are allowed to change your mind. I'm afraid your sister needs to take care of herself if your mum starts on her.

Suggest to your sister that she says to your mum "it's between you and ladyofsnerg"

Repeat that every single time. Add "and I don't want to discuss it any more" as needed.

She's in a difficult position, so are you, but you are not obliged to retain contact because of her. You shouldn't, if it's the wrong thing for you and it sounds like it is.