What do I do about Xmas then?

[Birra]

Recently separated
One ds
We usually go to my family 200 miles away
Ex has no family
I have a big loving family who ds adores.
He has to work Xmas eve and Boxing Day.
He hates Xmas

If we stay at home it will just be me, him and ds, oh joy!

What the hell do I do?

Go to your family and leave him in his bah humbug misery

If you have separated why would he be with you on Christmas Day?

Hmmm

Well if you go to your family this year he'll get to have ds next year

Has he asked to see DS on Christmas Day?

I would go to your family.

If he wants to do Xmas with DS he can do it on his access time.

Deal with what happens next year, next year.

Oh, there is absolutely no way I'm not seeing my son on Christmas Day ever.
Yes of course he wants to see ds at Christmas.
I was thinking of sharing it somehow

There's no formal access set up yet.
He hasn't done a lot of one on one time with ds. A whole day on their own would be awful.

Have your ex pick your ds at 2pm on Christmas Day, and return him first thing before work on Boxing Day.

That doesn't work given the 200 mile difference!

How about I do the morning at home, then drive to parents for the afternoon evening?

Then I have to leave him alone on Xmas day. I hate him, but I couldn't do that

Have you spoken to him about it? What are his suggestions?

It's really not your job to find him somewhere to be on Christmas Day, love. He has three months to sort something else, he can always go and help in a soup kitchen, which is what I would be doing if I wasn't in charge of Christmas here.

You can absolutely leave your ex alone on Christmas Day. His day us no longer your issue. He has 2 months to find a friend he can spend time with...

Oh, there is absolutely no way I'm not seeing my son on Christmas Day ever

I'm sorry but that's really naive
In the future if you both have new partners & maybe kids you will have to share these holidays

If he hates Christmas then why would he care? It's just another day.

It's not about you and what you want, it's about what's best for your child. And I imagine your son would like to see his dad on Christmas Day.

So you need to start thinking about how you're going to organise this Christmas, and future Christmasses.

You could split the day, or do alternate Christmas Days each year? Whatever you decide you need to work together to make your son have a happy Christmas, whether it's really what you want or not.

But you have no obligation to your ex to host him/entertain him for Christmas!!

Actually, if you and he are civil enough to consider spending the day together, I think it's admirable to try and put things aside and all be together for your son and to be kind enough not to want to leave your ex alone on Christmas Day.

If he hates Xmas, does he really mind if you take your DS to your family? Have you asked him? He might be happy to have a second Xmas with your son on another day.

Could your family come to you instead? Or can he join your family for lunch and presents at their home? 200 miles isn't so far... I'd drive that far for a day to spend Christmas with my child. Actually, I took a red eye flight after a business meeting on another continent and a 400 mile overnight coach back from the airport to get back at 6am in time to be there for my DS to wake up on his birthday. If he won't, it's his loss...

Could you collect DS at 10am on christmas morning (him having stayed at Exs on Christmas Eve) then drive straight to your parents for christmas day and boxing day?

We've trod through this minefield for years, it's difficult. Sometimes we would do your couple of days, my couple of days splitting Christmas and new year if we wanted to go away. Sometimes he would come to us (when we were both single). Now we all stay home and do one year christmas eve, wake up and dinner at mine then early evening and boxing day at his reversed each year. Of course that means no travelling for either of us.

In your situation I'd probably see if family are open to a double Christmas so he gets to collect after work Christmas eve and do the morning stuff then set off to family in the later afternoon to do the big meal thing on boxing day. Obviously that relies on your family being very flexible!

Do you have a spare room- Can your ex spend the X mas eve night in your house- have father Christmas stuff in the morning- your ex then spends some quality time with your ds while you pack up and then you and your ds drive to your family in time for lunch. Xmas morning often starts really early with little ones so you will have time.

Time fir new traditions. I would invite your family to spend Xmas with you. That way his dad can see him on Xmas day and then go off in the afternoon or whatever suits yet you Bith get to do end time with your son

Drwitch- that's what I'm thinking

My family can't come here, too many of them.

Also, ex doesn't drive so he's dependent on public transport for Xmas day.

I need to explain a bit, ex never very involved with ds, he can spend about an hour with him before he becomes annoying.
So I cannot picture Xmas with daddy ever being fun for ds.
Plus, he really is bah humbug, and would probably just drink and sleep all day.
Compare that to big family Christmas with his cousins, no brainer really.

Ex acknowledges ds would have more fun with my family, but he'd never let me hear the end of it.

He can be very nasty, hes a vile selfish man. But can be reasonable.

If he has another family, god help them, but ds wouldn't be playing happy families with then unless ex has a serious personality transplant.

In some ways I think ex would be happy lying on the couch on his own, but he really would lay it in for sympathy and I would be cast as the evil villain

Why do you care about being cast as the villain?
And why does his attempt for sympathy have any effect on you?

You say you hate him. In which case - get over caring what he thinks!

But... Be realistic. You don't get to say you will never not have your son on Xmas day. Upsetting I know, but that's the reality.

If he really can't do more than an hour, I'd suggest your son goes to his father on the 27th for a full day, when things are open again and entertaining is easier for lazy types!
But might be worth starting with "son will want to spend Xmas with his cousins as usual - can you have a think about best way to split his time?" and see what his father comes up with. He'll object to anything to propose no doubt, so let him do the thinking.

You may need to ask your family to make a big day of Boxing Day with you.

It is just a day. And I say that as someone who handed a 5yo over at 11:00 and spent Xmas Day on their own last year.

My inclination, given what you described, would be to go to your parents and family as usual and give ex Christmas day free of any obligations or duties. Talk with him first though, if possible. Certainly NO to playing joined up family. You're not and he doesn't care about Christmas anyway. DS will be fine with it all whatever you do, I'm sure!