Living together / apart + kids – how long ?

[saddad]

hi

interested in hearing peoples views - especially female ones

I am divorced dad - 10 yr old DS - 50% childcare school pick / drop offs and 7 nights at mine a fortnight - i own my own house

my near 3 yr girlfriend - 2 boys older than mine - rents

We dont really do things as one family as our nights when we have kids dont really coincide - plus my sons very different to her boys

my girlfriend is becoming increasingly unhappy with not having me there 100% of the time - realistically with our children at schools over the other side of town and friends local to where we both respectively live and houses big enough to cater for us all V expensive - i cant really see how things could work practically - it would be me who would move in with her and ferry my son about.

I think longer term once my son is say 16 then i would really like to live with my girlfriend until that time i spend every night i dont have my son.

I get the feeling that theres little i can do to compromise - she says 6 years is too long to wait

any similar experiences or views

i should say i spend every night i dont have my son at my girlfriends house

To be honest i agree with you; i have a 13 yr old dd and a 9 yr old ds; i wouldn't want anyone else living in "their" and my home, it's not fair on them, and i can't see this changing until they leave; any prospective boyfriend whining about me not being with them 100% of the time i would find whiney, needy and off putting to be honest. They aren't taking your child's needs into consideration, they are thinking of themselves first. Dealbreaker for me! Best of luck x

Plus when i'm not with my kids (50% of the time) i also need an opportunity to be by myself; don't you?

thanks for your responseWallaby - guessing you might be near my age because of your user name (i'm 42)

i say that as i think well i'm only early 40s my time is later on and hes the focus for now

yes agree - time to recharge your batteries from work, childcare is important

I completely agree with you as well. My children are 12 & 8 and although I have a partner I don't live with him and I really don't think I'll be able to live with him until the children are older. He doesn't have children of his own but he understands that my children come first & I just don't think it would be fair on them.

Having said that, it's not that I don't want to live with him, but my children don't deserve any more changes in their lives. I'm just happy that I managed to get through divorcing their dad without too much upheaval, I'm more than happy to wait to move the rest of my life on if it means they remain happy and stable.

I'm in a very similar position. DP has 2 DCs 50% of the time and I have my 3 most nights (once a week they stay with their dad) and our nights off don't always collide.

TBH I do find it a little bit sad that we won't be able to live together for probably another 10 years at least (his youngest is 6) due to school/friendships locally.

However, at the moment we really get the best of each other, we miss each other for the few days we're apart (he often comes round at lunch time on those days) and we get one day/night at the weekend when we're all together, but the DCs get plenty of time without having to share their home with the 'step-parent/siblings' too.

I can imagine that if we all lived together full time I would get a bit cheesed off with parenting 2 extra DCs half the week and having another adult to take care of (he's not very domesticated, so at the moment his lack of input into the house isn't a problem, as he's still technically a guest!)

I also feel a little bit sad that we won't have any children together, as we have plenty already! In my head I know this is the right choice, but my heart takes a while to catch up.

What has helped for me was to hear him saying the same things, that although he knows that it's the sensible decision and that we are putting our DCs first by not uprooting them or adding another child into the mix, that he knows I would be a wonderful mum/wife and that he is looking forward to the future when we do get some time to ourselves (not wanting to wish away our DCs' childhoods, but planning for our 'old-age' together!)

Hearing that he has the same ambitions for us and that he loves me very much, that if the circumstances were different that he would love to have a traditional family and home with me, makes all the difference to how I perceive the situation.