I swear my DMum is screwing with my head.

[DoomDeer]

background: split up ExDP of 5 years. 3 months ago, some obvious bullshitting on his side. Came out alot stronger.

I had a date Saturday with a really lovely guy, I wasn't sure whether to go as I didn't want to mess someone around if I was unsure of how I felt (I was really excited and did want to go, I explained how I felt to said guy and he said let's just take it easy).

My mum has been actively encouraging me to go on dates and speak to other people. To the point where I was a bit offended that she thought I would just jump back in that quickly.

Anyway, I went on the "date" it was really lovely, he was very chivalrous and polite, I felt very comfortable around him and there was a definite spark. It was the kind of day where time just flies by without you noticing. At the end of the night we shared a kiss, that left me smiling for hours afterwards.

fast forward to the next day, go to DM's to pick daughter up, DM wants to hear how date went, so I start to tell her and all of a sudden she goes quiet and very cold towards me. I ask whats wrong...cue her to start saying (quite aggressively) That i'm jumping into the dating pool too soon, I'll be perceived as a slut and a horrible person for getting over ex so quickly.

I wanted to cry, I haven't been taken out and had a good time in well over a year. I was on such a high afterwards and having encouraged me I thought DM would be happy for me too. Now, I'm sitting here doubting whether I should just tell said guy not to bother anymore.

Do NOT tell the guy that you enjoyed spending time with not to bother anymore. Ignore your DM being grumpy. Others will be along with advice and experience, which I am rubbish at.

Look forward to the next time you see this new guy in your life.

Keep seeing the nice guy.

Stop telling your mum everything (or anything).

Going on dates after splitting up with a previous partner is not being a "slut" and does not make you a horrible person. Slut is a vile, woman-hating word. Don't pay attention to the views of people who use it.

Your DM sounds jealous of you. It's not an uncommon situation sadly. 'Slut' is a horrible word too.

You're ready to start dating when you feel ready. Take things slowly with the new guy and tell your mother nothing.

Has she behaved like this before? Tried to pour cold water all over something that you're excited about?

Maybe point out what a giant hypocrite she is being?

Do not stop seeing him. (but just to be tying your camel up, read up on Red Flags in a relationship! I reckon people should be taught them in school).

Your mother is being a killjoy and frankly a bitch. You date one night, one kiss and she calls you a slut? That's just nasty.

Suggest you find a best friend to chat about dates and men with. At best, at very best, your mother is decades and decades out of date. Quite frankly she's playing rather unpleasant mind games. Has she done this with other things?

She did this with my ExP saying we shouldn't be going out on date nights as "that's not what parents should do". It is a bit of jealousy now i think about it, she did it with my sister when she was dating after her marriage broke down.

I didn't say anything to Nice Guy, He's been very understanding so far (don't want to push him over the edge though).

Was really shocked when she said about people perceiving me as a slut. I'm actually a bit of a prude and also intelligent enough to understand "people" means her. I have a history of trusting people (or allowing people to alter my views) to easily, I am being cautious with Nice Guy.

I'm just worrying about what everyone is thinking now. ExP's family are very involved with DD, and although it was ExP who walked out I wouldn't want them bad mouthing me behind my back.

I think it's fine to be cautious with New Guy. Good idea actually. But what ExP or his family think is not relevant; he left five years ago, and you are entitled to your life, happiness and if you find a nice guy, a partner.

No Meerka - split up 3 months ago (with Ex of 5 years together) !

'People' are not going to perceive you as a 'slut' (and I agree, that's an awful, misogynistic word that hopefully the 'people' in your life don't really use).

'People' are going to see you as trying to get your life back on track and move on. That's healthy and normal, not the destructive behaviour your mum is accusing you of.

Ignore this back pedalling from DM, she was encouraging you to move on and have a nice time before. Keep things in perspective. You had a lovely pre-arranged evening with a man you found attractive - you weren't three sheets to the wind, in a thong scooping up strangers at some dive. And as far as ex DP's family are concerned, you are his ex even if his child's mother, so your private life is your own.

PS PoirotsMoustache your advice was spot on, don't knock yourself.

I haven't spoken to my not so DM since, sat through Sunday dinner in silence. This was infront of DD by the way, I was not best pleased to say the least, I would never use that language around DD.

I just felt like she was shaming me and being condescending, actually felt like I was 13 again. I get that it's upsetting that my relationship with ExP ended but in actual fact, there's nothing I could do about it he would have done what he did anyway.

Did I mention Dm was messaging me the entire way through the date checking I wasn't dead! Nice to be checking but After the 6th time of replying no, i'm quite alive thankyou. It got a bit old.

She wasn't checking you weren't dead, she was making sure you weren't having too much of a good time. It's a massive control thing, isn't it? You must date when she says so and only enjoy it once she has authorised it. She has used the S-word (in front of your DD, wtf?) to bring you back down to earth with a big bump, because she can.

Disclaimer: I don't know your DM, but I know people like this.

ack sorry I misread. The length of time is irrelevant really though, your mother is well out of order.

it makes it worse that she spoke to you like that in front of your daughter. That is setting a very bad example in two ways: firstly how to speak to each other and secondly, how women shoudl behave. The encouragment beforehand then coldness after is a nasty game playing dimension.

Actually it's awful that she spoke to you like that in front of your daughter. I should imagine you're pretty angry.

I was insanely angry, but alas I take after my dad and clam up in situations with confrontation. Removed myself and DD from the situation and went and played cars with my dad who gave me his normal don't listen to anything she says look.

I just don't understand the sudden change, it made me feel like what I was doing was wrong in someway. Nice guy has just messaged me to say how comfortable he feels around me, I haven't answered because I feel so confused.

Simple:

Answer the nice guy's message

Ignore the crazy mother.

what jump says!

You did nothing wrong at all.

(just read up on red flags! when you have a mother who sends confusing and weird signals, it can train you to accept confusing and weird signals from men as normal too. Just sayin, just in case.)

Yes answer the nice man! Your mother sounds like a prize bitch.

Have answered nice guy. Just said that I felt comfortable around him too and that out date was lovely would love to go out again sometime...that's OK right?

I'm just being paranoid now.

She is jealous, and possibly quite toxic.

Take it nice and easy with new man. Enjoy it.

Tell DM a little as you possibly can. You are NOT 13 and you do NOT have to tell her when you are on a date. Can you see Hot Guy when DD is with her dad rather than having to rely on DM for childcare?

I would pay a sitter rather than put yourself through that again.

I think your DM is just worried that it won't end well. I don't think there's anything spiteful behind it. But I agree just don't tell her too much in future.

You don't think there's anything spiteful about calling your daughter a slut in front of her child?

I think your mum is a little envious. She was living vicariously through you when pushing you to date and trying to control things so much (pushy encouragement, texting you throughout the date).

Then when she heard it had been lovely she was overcome with jealousy and wanted to make you feel horrible.

Just a theory. It doesn't matter why she did it really - the point is it's not ok, and you need to protect yourself against her toxic involvement from now on.