I want dh to be more affectionate. Am I unreasonable?

[cannotbelievethis]

DH has loads of great qualities. He is very caring to me and demonstrates this in practical ways. For example, he carries shopping, holds doors open, checks my bike has lights and tyres pumped up if I am going out late with friends, that sort of thing. However, he rarely kisses me, holds hands, puts his arms round me, etc. He grew up in a very strict Christian house where I doubt he was shown much loving so I expect this has something to do with it. It does make me feel a bit like he doesn't really fancy me though.

How long have you been together? If he's always been like this, it's going to be hard for him to change. And, generally, we're always told we shouldn't change who we are for other people.

Has he always been like that? If so, surely you knew what you were getting into when you married him - you can't expect people to change for you.

An important thing I was told is "People may not love you the way you want, but that doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

Thanks for the reply. We have been together 13 years and have 2 dc. I think you are probably right that it would be hard to change this.

He has been like this since we met, although more demonstrative when drunk which was much more frequent in the beginning of our relationship! He also bought me flowers every week and made me CDs of meaningful songs and other romantic things like that. I miss gestures like that.

People may not love you the way you want, but that doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have

This is very true. Everyone shows affection in their own way. It sounds as though he shows a lot of his affection through doing practical things that he feels keeps you safe or helps you out.

If it is upsetting you then this is a difficult one. Do you do these things to him, the random kisses and cuddles?

One way might be do give a few more kisses and cuddles and that yourself, and if he says anything about them, just say you are doing them because they are nice, and see if he gets the hint?

If you try and make him do something he's not comfortable with, though, it could get very awkward. For example, I wouldn't mind holding hands with DP when we're out. He doesn't feel comfortable doing it. I went through a stage of trying to get him to hold hands but it was hugely apparent that he was uncomfortable, awkward, and felt like a bit of a tit doing it - which was far worse than not holding hands!

Has something happened to make you post about this now?

We sort of have this the other way round. I can't quite explain how dispiriting it is to do stuff all day for people and then be sniped at for being unaffectionate.

(Admittedly slight exaggeration there on the 'doing stuff all day for people'. Ahem.)

He has been really busy at work recently so I am not seeing him as much, plus he is tired so we are not having as much sex as normal. I think that is why I am feeling it more than normal.

Do you show him affection and cuddles when he does things for you? Do you never cuddle up on the sofa or in bed before you go to sleep? It's important these things come from both parties.

hmm, not sue i totally buy into the 'you knew this he can't change you shouldn't expect him to' argument.

People change and so do their needs and desires over time. The thing is to explain what you would like from him and see if you can reach an accommodation that works for you both. I would be deeply unimpressed if having done this i was met with a response of 'this is how i am, tough'.

Without affection and actually showing the person you love them I don't blame you for feeling that way, I couldn't be with a man that didn't show it, not every day but the fact you are writing signals that the intimacy is going, this is when you have to make an effort, both of you, have a date night, go out, make each other feel special, otherwise you will end up in a rut and ultimately unhappy.

OP - What happens when you initiate affection?

My partner is no way near as extreme as what you are describing, but he would probably say that he felt actions like you describe are a better demonstration of love than physical affection. However, he didn't really get a choice with me. My parents have always been affectionate with both each other, and their children. It's in our bones. So basically since day one, I have been tackling him with hugs, snuggling up with him and demanding affection.

He got used to very quickly, and now he initiates it regularly as well.

He does often say that I am like a dog though, in my constant need to give/receive affection.

Happily, I love dogs, so it doesn't bother me

Moral of the story: Treat people as you would want to be treated. You should try and reciprocate some of the more "practical" demonstrations of love, as he does to you, but don't feel like you have to just accept a life without the sort of demonstrations that you consider meaningful.

We are like you in reverse. DH is far, far more affectionate than I am. He initiates hugs, hand holding, kissing the vast majority of the time. I'm just not 'fluffy' (his word).

I even had to set myself a physical reminder that I should text him 'I love you' every once in a while, instead of feeling sheepish that I never did and he always does.

I adore him. He is my world. I'm not a demonstrative person, but it doesn't mean I don't love the very bones of him.