So WTAF do I do about this?

[DixieTreats]

Hi all,

First post. This is the first time I've ever asked advice on a forum like this but I really feel like I need some advice.

I've been struggling with MH issues for over a year (diagnosed) but in actual fact for the last 20 or so years but I was young and it wasn't picked up on. Nothing serious, just stuff like anxiety, OCD, phobias. Anyway, I had an episode of depression 12 years ago which I was treated for then another a few years later then another (much more serious) a year ago.

Obviously during this time and particularly the last 12 months, I have displayed some erratic, manic, crazy, dangerous, selfish behaviours. I haven't done anything awful - it's mainly self-destructive. My father is a Dr and has been mostly supportive throughout this time, ranging from financial support to dashing down to see me once or twice when I was v v low. He has a history of being very selfish (he's a kind man - but selfish. Has never attended any of his GDs birthday parties for example (she's 13) because he has a sports team that he regularly follows and their fixtures were more important to him. He would come down afterwards though.)

Anyway, last week after some dramatic incidences I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This came as no surprise to anyone - apart from my father who steadfastly refuses to accept the diagnosis. He has not contacted me in any way at all to see how I am, he has not asked questions, he has simply said that he's not convinced and won't be until I've had a second opinion. I should add here that the diagnosis was made by several doctors and specialists in agreement over a period of time so there isn't a lot of doubt.

The rest of my family have been incredible and totally understanding and concerned, etc. as you would expect, but my father has just turned away from me completely. His mother committed suicide when he was a child because she had bipolar and the obvious answer is that he's struggling with my diagnosis because of this. But really?? It's out of character for him, he's normally very warm, supportive and helpful - but I can't help feeling totally let down, bemused, upset and slightly outraged that he would treat me like this. Every time I go on facebook I see a status update or a blog he's written or photographs he's taken or details of lazy Sundays with my step-mother and sister - so all of this comes above me???? I'm at a loss as to what to do/say/think/react to him. One of the effects of bipolar for me at the moment is a lot of anger so I know that I can't trust my emotions to guide me to do the right thing. I just wondered what others think of the situation?

Dixie -- Have you ever been in counselling or therapy to have a look at your relationship with your father. From my perspective, it doesn't seem as healthy as you might think.

Give him time. His response, his problem.

Meanwhile, what are you doing to manage the diagnosis? That's your issue.

Yes, I have been in counselling. Yes, I acknowledge there are issues. However, it's simply his reaction to me at this time that I'm trying to understand. I'm not looking to make anyone 'responsible' as such, but I just cannot help feeling that many other fathers would behave differently. Or am I wrong? As a grown woman should I just accept his lack of interest and care?

I can't understand it, I would never treat my children like this.

PS. Managing the diagnosis is all in hand.

My dh has just been diagnosed and was put on respiridone. He has had no side effects and the change has been remarkable. Maybe you can ask ytpur doctor about this. I'm sorry about your dad mine is the same x

Your father's refusal to acknowledge his granddaughter's birthdays, his refusal to acknowledge your diagnosis, and his mother's history of bipolar all indicate an inability to face his past because of the pain associated with it. I would say that this 'blindness' on his part is a defence, and one that he (consciously or unconsciously, or both) finds necessary. It is in no way your fault or responsibility, and I would respond to his reactions to your diagnosis with this understanding of his feelings and associations with it.

That's what I was getting at with my question about therapy/counselling.

Thank you Hobbit, that was a really kind post x And right now, I appreciate kindness! It's funny how people say that they love and support you but when it comes down to it, do they fuck. I have literally one person (my sister) who I know I can depend on for ANYTHING day or night. And when I don't need support she just keeps in contact in a friendly, chatty way which I know means that she's just taking care of me but she doesn't fuss so I don't feel mad IYKWIM?!

You may find you have such a strong bond with your sister because your father has in fact been completely emotionally unavailable to you since childhood. You might not see it, because it has been normalised, but I recognise deeply what you describe.

I am not bipolar but I have suffered several severe episodes of depression and am now on the highest dose of ADs for life. My parents have never acknowledged my illness, but my sister is incredibly caring of me. We have been very close since childhood, and I always felt it was a defence manoeuvre on both our parts against our parents coldness towards us.

Like you, my father is full of warm words and gestures. But when it comes to it, neither of my parents was there when I needed. Actions speak a lot louder than words.

What would his response be if you called him on this?

could ot be that he is frustrated with himself for not seeing it himself especially given his history with your grandmother? and is actually angry at himself but projecting the disbelief as a way of making himself feel better or worried that you will blame him for not diagnosing it himself sooner?

to be honest I wouldn't see the birthday party thing as too big an issue, I used to hate the obligation of going to kids parties when I didn't have kids attending as they really are quite dull (sorry) so perhaps he is just trying to save your feelings that he doesn't enjoy them and rather than being a misery and sitting in a corner he comes later to celebrate when he can engage better with you and his grandchild?