How do you relate to guys after abuse?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I have struggled to maintain any kind if relationship after abuse. It just seems that when I get too close it triggers my issues. I am having emdr. Feeling quite lonely ATM.

I can't offer any advice but I noticed no one had commented so didn't want to read and run. Sure someone will be along with something better soon

Talking therapy might help sort out not only your triggers but being able to tell when your reaction is real or stemming from your past.

There's not a real answer you just need to learn a new way to live.

It similar to having to learn to live with being in a wheelchair or something. life will never be what it was before but it's now better than it was during so now you need to learn to let go of before but remember the lessons you learned during.

Does that make sense?

Hmmmm stop feeling sorry for yourself and do so etching about it . We are all responsible for ourselves and you must look at why you keep sabotaging relationships even after abuse . Insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome . You have to grow up and love yourself first . Until you do that your expectations will be too high and you will want someone to fix you .

Your username has a clue in it ?

Think you haven't got much of a response because it is such a tricky one to answer. Counselling will help. And time. And eventually meeting someone who isn't a twat and realising that you can begin again and learn to react appropriately. While it is all a big thing in your head it is so hard. Hope the emdr will bring you some peace so you can move on.

Drumdrum you are harsh! But kind of get your point I think.

If you feel like you are entitled to act badly/selfishly or back away because of your past, it is going to screw up relationships. Treating a new partner with mistrust is not a good start, but if you are not over the abuse it is inevitable. I know I am guilty of that one. You shouldn't trust anyone too much initially, got to be careful to be safe, but if you struggle to trust them in a longterm relationship when it isn't based on anything they have done, you are in a way punishing them for the past hurt in a previous relationship.

I'm 18 months out and I won't let anyone near me. I recoil just from eye contact. I have walls up a mile high and honestly can't see how I'll trust anyone ever again. I don't feel lonely, I still just want to feel safe. I can't imagine a relationship of any sort.

Perhaps you just aren't ready yet? You don't have to have a relationship.

Have you tried the Freedom Program? It's very good at this stuff.

Deep breaths and keep going.

Please, please try the Freedom Programme before you even think of dating again.

Lovey, the first thing to to is quit dating for at least a year

You are on here over and over with your tales of woe of the latest nobber you have picked up, always with the "why did he, why would he, what does it mean when he...."

Listen to yourself

Get some help, and lay off the men for a very long time.

I suspect this will fall on deaf ears though

Didn't mean to be harsh I have every sympathy but wanted OP to see that moving forward lies in her own hands in her own recovery . Maybe leave men alone and work on yourself is what I'm saying . I know it's really really hard .

Hard to recover not leave men alone that's easy ! Well done AF you summed up what I saying .

Drumdrum, it really doesn't help when you tell someone to 'stop feeling sorry for themselves' after abuse.