Getting your life back after baby?!

[StarsforAngels]

Hi all,

This probably is not the right place for this thread but was not sure where to put it.

I have an almost 14 month old DS and although I enjoy our time together I have found/find it a struggle in terms of my identity now that I am a parent.

Has anyone found ways to get 'themselves' back who does not work around people?

I work from home (am self employed), however I used to work in busy offices until I had my DS. I have been applying for office jobs as I think that might help me with getting a bit of a life back but so far not much luck.

I know I am very lucky to be able to currently be at home with my DS I just really struggle with the social side of being a mum as I feel that now I do not work all my life revolves around babies!

Having been very independent prior to DS I know I should have expected this more.

I guess I just want to know if there are other women in my boat who don't work around people/stay at home with the kids but have managed to somehow forge an identity, even for a little bit which doesn't revolve around the kids?

I think I am also a bit down in the dumps today as I live along way from childhood friends and met up with them this weekend and felt so 'different' (only 1 has a kid) and kind of a bit left out. I knew my life would change when I had my DS but I am getting a bit worried as to when I will get the chance to be more than just someones Mum.

I sometimes wish there was like a mums club for mums who want to talk about current affairs/other issues - maybe there is one out there but I just have not found it yet?

Join a book group? The one I go to has a fair few mothers but we don't talk about our kids there - too busy discussing the books we read which has lead to some interesting conversations about politics/philosophy/worldviews etc as those issues have come up.

Thanks :)

It's still early days and your daughter is very much dependant in a lot of ways. As every month passes and she becomes more independent you will find things will change quite a bit and not have the intense demands of being a mummy placed on you.

There must be some groups or clubs near you? DO you have a Parents / Toddler group you can go to and meet some local mums that you could then arrange a coffee with or a drink in the evening some time?

My son is 25m old and I work full time as a Child minder so I know exactly how you feel. As much as I love my son and the other children who come to me, it'd not exactly grown up conversation and I do miss that

Hi - yes I do go to mothers groups. I think I am just moaning as I miss having adult conversation too. I do enjoy watching Jacob at the mothers groups though so I will persist as it makes me happy that he is enjoying it.

I was very independent prior to DS and I think I am missing the freedom of that a little - I have noticed that DS is not so dependent now so hopefully I will get more freedom like you say.

:)

I tink you would benefit from trying to find something that interests you - a sport, a choir, volunteering, a book club, a hobby or taking up a class at your local college or something, that is just "your time" for a couple of hours a week. Somewhere where you are just 'you' and not 'dc's Mum'.
We all benefit from a bit of adult conversation now and then, you just need to find it and ring fence it in your case as you work from home as well.

I think it comes gradually, to be honest, and your friendships and interests change naturally as your children get older.

Within the first two years of having ds1, I was back in the office part time, but my social life was my ante natel friends (particularly evenings out with them when we left the babies with our OHs or babysitters). I just didn't have time to fit in a regular hobby.

The main thing was having space for other interests, so reading, current affairs etc. We used to go to the theatre, or just for a curry, and talk about anything other than babies and housework.

Can you pop into an office from time to time? Helps me.

Also putting heels on again helped me. Still too fat for my old work wear but getting a bit dressed up to go to a meeting or just work from an office really helps me.

I hated baby groups. I also felt the lack of freedom and change of identity a great deal - I actually went for three months of counselling to work out how I could get back some of the old me. When DC was around 18 months or so I really started to feel better. I had also been a freelance working from home, I ended up going to uni to retrain.

Don't worry, you haven't lost yourself forever!

having a job outside of home really worked for me. i like having a time when i can be me and then i come home to being mum and it never overlaps. i found working self employed was too stressful spesh with a toddler. my biggest change seems to be lack of interest in sex but am pg atm so not lost it totally. i also dont buy myself nice clothes anymore but am hoping to change it. its great to have a mum friend (i really struggled with the groups but persisted and although had few friends i only have one that stuck around lol and shes great)

I've worked from home for 19 years. I have a dc9 and dc7.
I'm not going to sugar coat it - it's tough. I have got my life back, but it came gradually. I was lucky that I found some good friends at a nhs antenatal class. In the early days, we'd meet up and talk about the babies/toddlers but also our lives. As the Dcs went to school we managed to keep meeting up for coffee/lunch and we talked about school etc but also politics, books, art etc.

I was also lucky that I travelled to London about once a month for a meeting. It took the majority of the day. I loved being on my own, having lattes, window shopping etc.

Places like Mumsnet are a god send though to talk about non-child things. I also found Radio 4 helpful!

It does happen. Just think, you'll get your 'life' back a lot sooner than many of your old friends as they start having babies

Yes to radio 4, and a decent newspaper.