Do your parents have a good relationship?

[HootOnTheBeach]

And how has it affected you (regardless of good or bad)?

My parents have a horrid relationship. There is so much mistrust and a lack of affection, there is never-ending rows and bitter vile words thrown around. There was cheating and there was domestic violence for the first 15 years from what I understand. I can't fathom why they are still together.

When I was 12 I told my mum to get a divorce. She said she 'couldn't' because she was married.

I grew up thinking that once you got into a relationship that was it and you couldn't get out again even if you didn't like the person anymore. I struggled to understand how my friends' parents got remarried etc, and once I was older and had boyfriends I was very very fickle and reluctant to get into relationships, all very half-hearted commitment regardless of how much I might have liked the guys.

/sigh

I am visiting my parents this weekend and of course there are rows still which brought back a lot of nasty selfish feelings and got me thinking how even as an apparent adult I am struggling with the things I have internalised.

Your parents relationship must have affected you a lot - it sounds awful. My parents did not have/do have as bad a relationship as it seems your parents do or at least did, however, they did used to row a lot and my mum confided in me once that she wanted to leave. I felt awful as although my Dad has a temper I believe he loved/loves my Mum. I don't really have any advice for you, however you are definitely not selfish and your parents have probably negatively affected the way you view relationships now and that is not your fault.

My Mum told me once that she was waiting for me to leave home so she could leave my Dad... so me being silly old me left home to go to Uni... safe to say she did not leave and they are still together. I think I was mainly her sounding board as she did not have many people she could talk to. I really hope I do not bring that to my family. The fact that you seem aware that your parents behavior is/was wrong is a massive step and shows real maturity.

It always strikes me about scenarios like the OP's how much responsibility is placed on the child's shoulders - "I couldn't leave because of you". It's hateful and manipulative, and in my experience, it's bullshit. my own parents are still together, 20 years after we left home. They hate each other. Their toxic relationship defined our childhoods.
Notin a good way. I've disengaged noI'm sick and tired of it all.
The offloading confiding, the diagnosingof what caused this, the playing off of siblings. Tired doesn't cover it. the

Typos due to this v strange iOS 8!

My parents hate each other with passion. It's has had a massive impact on me and dear sis

My parents are still married after 40ish years. My mother is a horrible bitch who has cheated on my dad several times and I believe she still is. She has had depression for as long as I know and is incredibly self centred. I'm sure my dad's not perfect either. I have NO idea why they are still together.

I think it's made me want to make my relationship as happy and safe for both of us as possible. I've been hurt very badly before and I think it's because I'm so desperate to make it work that I have allowed myself to be walked all over (a bit like mum walks all over dad).

I sincerely hope my husband will always be worthy of my love because I know I will stick at it.

The longer terms impact on me has been more that I have very little / no relationships with my parents. I want nothing to do with my mother and dad won't see me without her being there. I'm sad that my child will have no grandparents to speak of. I'm sad that I will go through my pregnancy without the support of a mum and I'm sad that at some point they will die and I will feel horribly sad that I never had a 'proper' mum and guilt that I don't feel sad for her.

I'm sorry for you. It's horrible.

Nonexistent now - weddings only. They had good times for the first few years from their reports, then things went increasingly off the rails. I remember my mother being endlessly 'tolerant' and them seeming to have less and less to say to each other, and my father being sulky, childish, lazy but also sometimes trying quite hard to please her, but to please someone he had made up, rather than the real person. I remember having dinner with my mum aged about 16 and my dad came home unexpectedly and i was so disappointed as no chance of a good chat. They stuck it out for 35 years and my image of marriage was quite distorted as a result. Dad finally left for someone else, who was on the scene very briefly, followed by a series of girlfriends, though he has now settled with a lovely woman. When my parents split it did make me feel that marriage could potentially be positive, or at least not like theirs.

My Dad took advantage of my mum, being much older than her. She was 15 when she met him and has always been emotionally immature and needy.

When I grew to be a teenager she started to confide in me about how miserable it was to be trapped with him and we left after a few years of his silent treatment.

I can't be attracted to older men as a result and like to take the upper hand in relationships. I will never be dependent on anyone else but myself.

My parents were happily married, but they did shout a lot, which I hated.but they also made up and were openly affectionate and had pet names for each other. I'm on my second marriage which is reasonably happy, and has lasted for over twenty years and we are still a functioning couple. I'm worried about empty nest syndrome hitting us hard in a couple of years as our dynamics will change again.
Dh parents had an un happy marriage and divorce and some times I think that colours his attitude, eg he some times looks for an ulterior.motive in what I do when there isn't one

"I grew up thinking that once you got into a relationship that was it and you couldn't get out again even if you didn't like the person anymore." As did I. Because my mum taught me that.

Having grown up with EA and DV I then stayed in a similar relationship myself as I thought I wasn't allowed to leave. DM insists she is happy. I am totally NC now as they are both toxic.

I am totally NC now as they are both toxic.

Me too, DrCaroline. Mother is a narcissist, father is schizoid, and they are a perfectly balanced, but incredibly dysfunctional yin and yang. My childhood was marred with his physical violence to her, her manipulation of him, etc etc. It sort of came to a head when she left him in my mid-teens, leaving me and my sister behind, but she came right back. Of course being a narc, it was all for show and never brought up again.

Shortly after that, my father started the physical abuse on me, and I kicked him in the balls the first time he tried. It stopped him in his tracks and he never tried it again. The emotional abuse continued though, and I am still dealing with the fallout as an adult.

She controls him, and he lets her.
He believes in loyalty above all else, even towards people who make him miserable.
She believes that the world owes her.
When they're not doing their dance of control and submission, they are actually quite affectionate and sweet towards each other.

It took a long abusive marriage (that I got out of) for me to understand why I believed that bad treatment is acceptable, that you should stick with the person you're with, and that relationships are supposed to fill one's emotional needs.

It's been a very enriching process to root out those shitty beliefs.