Would you consider this comment to be a bit patronising or "funny"? And given the context AIBU?

[artistbutterfly]

This is a bit of an AIBU but don't want the tongue lashings I might get if I post it on there. Also, me and my DP have been having a lot of difficulties recently.

This morning I went to the bathroom to use the loo and also to change my DD's nappy.

When I got back to the bedroom my DP asked me if I had washed my hands. I found this quite insulting, I'm an adult afterall and thought this suggested he thought of me in a particular way (i.e. someone a bit disgusting and dirty).

I told him I found this patronising and he instantly said that he was not being patronising. I should point out for a bit of context that he is due to have an operation this week and is nervous about being under general anaesthetic etc. He said that he is just very paranoid about infection. He said it was not patronising because he did not mean it to be.

Anyway this all got a bit heated - he started getting annoyed at me for being annoyed by his comment and I was annoyed at him for getting annoyed at me for being annoyed by his comment.

What would others have thought of this comment?

I think in the context it was fine.

Sounds like one of those mornings when everyone just needs to take a deep breath.

A lot depends on his tone and manner when he spoke to you. If he was anxious and nervous when he said it then I wouldn't have minded too much and might just have said "yes, why do you ask?". Then you could have a conversation about how he's feeling and then realised it was connected to the operation anxiety.

If he'd been harsh or dismissive in his tone then I would have been annoyed and ignored him!

Sounds like he's stressing about his op.. In fact maybe you're both stressing and it's coming out in funny ways.

As a one off under the circumstances I would let it slide. Let him know that you felt it was insulting and patronising and would rather he didn't speak to you like that.

If he does it again after you've let him know how you feel then deal with it differntly then.

Perhaps another day you would have shrugged this off. You mention having difficulties lately so this time you were cross.

If he doesn't normally come out with questions or remarks that irritate you I agree with previius posters, perhaps it's the worry about his impending op that has him very conscious of hygiene. It doesn't automatically follow he thinks you are usually sloppy about germs. Maybe cut him some slack about it, let him voice anxieties and talk them through.

I guess it depends on whether you have form for not washing your hands.

If not, odd question.

Hes worried about the OP and being over cautious about hygiene. I'd let it slide. If the operation was non existant then i'd think it an odd thjng to say but i'd also wonder what reason he had to ask- do you often not wash your hands after the loo?

Do you have other, older children? Maybe he just asked out of habit, like people take colleagues' hands to cross the road, because they're so used to doing it with their children.

I think though, given that he's probably worried about the op (even if he isn't conscious of it), like most others, I'd just let it slide.

I think it depends, have you got form for not washing your hands? Does he clean his regularly? If he does then he probably does think your slightly unhygienic by not doing it.

I have absolutely no form for not washing my hands after nappy changing/going to the bathroom. I am almost on the OCD scale of washing hands etc tbh.

I think he definitely has form for not listening to me if I he does/says something I don't like i.e. by denying that he said something etc. and that is why I think I got quite annoyed by his response.

When I read the bit about him having an operation then it makes sense and it is a worrying time, fear of the unknown, feeling vulnerable. General anaesthetic is no small thing.

Dare I say it, give him a big hug if that's your normal style and tell him not to worry about the op. Well that's what I would do because my DP had a serious op 2 years ago and only told me after it was all over that he couldnt have got through it all without my reasurrance. Men tend to bottle stuff up and it does come out in strange ways.

He's feeling vulnerable, you are both stressed.

Wash your hands again and give him a big hug - cry on him if it makes you feel better.

Neither of you will feel any better if you don't find a way to communicate the stress and just snap at/misunderstand each other and, as has already been said, men are crap at being vulnerable/open.

So go get him hugged