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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Children at war! Now feel I am too

15 replies

skittles03 · 28/09/2014 11:09

hi there. This is my first ever post, and I guess I feel it's because I simply don't know what to do! I have been friends with 's' for 10 years or so, and our chaps are also best friends. We both have boys that are the same age and have been through primary school together. They now attend the same high school. We do everything together as a group, holidays, occasions, weekly game nights etc. But recently our boys have started to drift apart and squabble a lot. Occasionally they have had physical altercations which we always nipped in the bud together and made them apologise etc. This has started to make things a bit awkward in terms of us all spending time together as the boys are not always thrilled to see each other! But we managed to work our friendship round this. Then, last week, my son was being a bit daft and hurt 's' son at school. I text my friend to tell her I was aware of this and would be dealing with my son and apologised. I heard nothing back. I told my son to find 's' son at school the following day to apologise, which he did, but the response he got was ' go away my mum said I don't ever need to speak to you again if I don't want'. So my son attempted again twice later on to be told to shut up and go away. He gave up. I texted my friend to test the water and to say my son had wanted to apologise and I was met with some quite unfriendly responses. Things such as " im busy and your not listening", "not got time for dealing with your petty crap" and she even confirmed " I told my son if he didn't want to speak to your son again that was fine and to tell your son that". I called school that week to see how my son was getting on ( he has special needs) and they read me the transcript from the day the incident took place. It said 's' son stated to teacher he had an issue with my son, as does his mother! I was really upset that my friend had felt this way but hadn't spoken with me about it. I have not told my friend that school disclosed this as it would only cause more trouble. I have sent general texts and she will text me back but sort of one word answers or replies that lend themselves to someone giving you the brush off. If I text to offer to do something together, it is politely declined. If I ring, no one answers. My son to be fair doesn't seem bothered that he has lost a friendship. But I worry there could be animosity at school between them, and they could end up scrapping or whatever. And as for me, I'm thinking about holidays we have booked together and parties we were all meant to be attending together. I'm a worrier as it is, and I have a constant pang of anxiety and worry about all this. We are also really friendly with each other's families and I know she saw my mum the other day, who said she was in high spirits and really friendly which indicates even more it's just me that she's got the problem with. I tend to only have a select few immediate close friends, and she was my closest. I've been at work all week but aside from that, have hardly spoken to anyone, as I would always chat to 's' about my day/week and likewise. But in the same breath I'm equally worried for my son! Any advice would be greatly welcome. It's been a god dam awful week Sad

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 28/09/2014 11:17

well, it sounds as if you did everything right re the incident at school, but that your friend has decided that not only is the DCs friendship over, yours is too. was her DS injured?

I don't see what else you could have done. For the moment I wouldn't contact her again. Give her some time to cool off.

Her texts about "your petty crap" are deeply hurtful. Keep a copy of them so she can't later on claim it never happened.

What does your DH say about all this?

Ron99 · 28/09/2014 11:20

You've had a rubbish week. Sounds like the boys have outgrown the friendship it happens. Unfortunately it's now sounds as though your friendship is also over. Just leave this lady alone and don't do anymore contacting. Your son will get over this and don't be surprised if they are soon friends again

skittles03 · 28/09/2014 11:22

No he wasn't marked. But had gone into school that morning crying which is why school knew. They didn't ring parents so obviously didn't see it as serious but as a conscientious person I thought I should take the action I did. My other half and his friend are really quite good at keeping their relationship separate from stuff that goes on. Typical men. Kids will be kids. Women will be women. But they work together 6 days a week so that's a good thing really! They were friends before us women and children were on the scene so I understand that. Although my chap says privately to me to sod it and leave her to it. Thanks for your reply too, I wasn't sure anyone would post back Smile

OP posts:
skittles03 · 28/09/2014 11:24

Thanks Ron. I get the feeling that your right. Maybe I just need to accept it. It's been in the fore front of my mind all week, at work and home. If only there was a way of making it disappear!

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 28/09/2014 11:33

It does sound like she's taken a minor squabble very personally.
I think Ron has it - the boys have outgrown their friendship and may just move on from now.
Sadly, your former friend isn't able to do this. It doesn't sound as if she wants anything more from you - and I can't see what else you could have done. try to accept that she has made her decision, which you can't change and try to move on in a positive way. be happy and upbeat when you are around her. Make a date to catch up with a friend over coffee. Take pleasure in the little things in life, like going out for a walk as a family on a crisp autumn day.

And be kind to yourself. Your former friend is being a bitch but that isn't your fault.

skittles03 · 28/09/2014 11:39

Aww that's such a lovely reply. Thank you. I think as of now that's exactly what I shall do. Your advice was just what I needed Smile

OP posts:
WalkJumpClimb34 · 28/09/2014 14:41

I second the idea of letting her cool off a bit. Constant texts from you could be very annoying.

After a bit, I would call round or ring. Stop texting. Try and have a calm chat about it.

Has your son been upsetting her son for a long time? that's the only reason I can think of for her to be so shitty to you. Do you chastise your son if he is badly behaved towards the other boy in your presence and your friend's?

Quitelikely · 28/09/2014 14:52

I think that she is fed up of your son tbh. And she sees the way around that is to avoid you from now on.

Tbh I have avoided ppl whose children are persistently unpleasant to mine. I just don't need the aggro! It's possible that she thinks you just aren't doing enough to curb the behaviour........

BravePotato · 28/09/2014 15:03

I think texting about a sensitive issue is such a mistake.

You say your son was just a bit daft, but the other boy got hurt and maybe she (and he) feel it was bigger and worse than that.

Speaking about it via text makes things worse.

Better to call or talk IMO

TXTingmakes this kind of thing only worse.

skittles03 · 28/09/2014 16:20

Just to reply to the prior 3 posts....,,my reason for texting is that myself and the other mother are both in jobs where it's not appropriate to take calls. I finish very late on the day of the week this happened and I wanted to let her know I was fully aware of the situation when she got home. Rather than have no contact from me at all, until very late that evening. And if you read my post, you would see I stated I tried to call but my call was unanswered.

As for my son, he has special needs and yes, this can manifest in some behavioural difficulties, but more about not understand social appropriateness. My friend has been there since my son was born and understands his needs so after ten years I would expect a bit more. Also I am very firm with him. She knows very well he is reprimanded for wrong doing. As for hurting him constantly or in particular that day, it was a high five but an exaggerated one that caught this child's face. Accidental but through being silly. And prior to that, the other child had always given my son just as much back in any disagreements they've had

OP posts:
skittles03 · 28/09/2014 16:26

And just to add I don't think the comments regarding avoiding me or being fed up of my son are correct. Up until this incident I have always had her son in the school holidays and take him to school every morning for past few years. Also the holiday and such were her idea. And tbh if I'd have wanted a stick beating about how horrid my son must be I wouldn't have come here for advice! Sensible helpful comments only please based on the situation. Not my parenting.

OP posts:
cakewitch · 28/09/2014 16:45

A very similar thing has happened to us recently. You have my sympathies, it's awful. Agree with other posters, just don't contact her now. Do nice things, go and see other friends, and put it behind you.

Wrapdress · 28/09/2014 16:57

I've always found that kids who are supposed to be friends or are expected to be friends because the parents are friends never last long term. The kids feel forced onto each other. It may be that this friend's son wasn't interested in being your son's friend but had to because his mother told him he had to. Now that there's been an incident, the friend's son may have said, "That's it. I'm done." That puts his mom in a bad spot but of course she will side with her son.

FrootLoopy · 28/09/2014 16:58

It sounds as though you put all of your's and your son's friendship 'eggs' into the one basket. A risky prospect at the best of times.

We do everything together as a group, holidays, occasions, weekly game nights etc
It might be just the way you worded it, but you've made it sound like you pretty much lived in each other's pockets. Time together, weekends together, holidays together, etc, etc. Waaaay, too much.

Where were the other friends of your children? Where were other friends of yours?

Where are your child's friends he has made on his own, and your friends that aren't reliant on your children also being friends?

Anyway, she's not the first, nor will she be the last, to overreact to a situation between children. But, in all honesty, it sounds as though you've both tried to micromanage the friendship. Children will fall out, you both sticking your oar in has made it so much worse.

bringbacksideburns · 28/09/2014 17:05

But she is avoiding you and she does sound fed up of your son!!

People are trying to get the bigger picture - no need to be so defensive and patronising.

Cool off for a bit and maybe she will come round in time and you will be able to discuss it properly. The friendship sounds pretty full on and intense if you were going on hols, having weekly game nights and talking to her about work every week aswell. Maybe you have to admit to yourself that the kids may never be friends again but that doesn't mean you can't have a friendship with her - just that you don't have to constantly involve the entire family?
Meet as couples and leave the children at home.

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