Hey all,
I think this is properly suited to the mental health area but it isn't completely irrelevant to relationships. Anyway, I'm going to try to explain myself. . .
I am really worried at how my anxiety is affecting me. From the outside I am really cheerful, very outgoing, in social situations I'm not shy at all. When I was younger (child, early teens) I was painfully shy and I used to experience these strange waves of intense panic. They would literally strike without warning. My way of dealing with them would be to do nothing, just act like nothing was happening (very easy if I was writing at a desk to just continue doing so even though panic and adrenaline was surging through my body) I was accustomed to them so I would just wait a minute or so till they receded. I never told anyone about them and i would pretty much forget about them till the next one came along. There would be no obvious trigger. Can anyone shine a light on them? I am hesitant to call them panic attacks because I did not react to them.
Anyway, I am single after being in two relationships of 2/3 years each. Not much space between both relationships. I am now casually seeing someone and I am so frustrated at myself for not being able to relax and have fun as I am always thinking ahead and imagining the worst possible outcome i.e. 'I bet i don't finish work till 11pm and X has to be at work at 8am so too late for me to go over and then we won't see each other for a week and then X won't be interested anymore'. I understand it is ridiculous but my brain won't let me think different and then I spend the whole day with that thought in my head and it is a stress hanging over me which I can only compare to worrying about a bill I can't pay, or an ill relative. It is so out of proportion and it drags me down completely. I am hiding it from 'X' at the minute as we really are casual but I'm worried it's going to get out and ruin something which should be fun!
I am also frustrated at myself at pretty much fearing being single. I know I don't need a relationship to define me. I know I have my own life and I'm pretty independent- I just booked a holiday that I'm going on by myself out of the country. So why do I feel like I need someone? I really don't like this about myself but I feel I can't change.
Another thing I find odd about my behaviour is that I have started to take up hobbies quite intently, and then drop them for another. I was running every other day for weeks (long distance, kept pushing myself till I could do like 20 miles without stopping) and then I quit all of a sudden, then I started doing weights and then quit, then I started looking up nutrition and took like 20 books out of the library on nutrition then forgot about that, then I started doing yoga every day and then stopped on and on and on. Why can't I stick at something??
Gosh, I'm sorry this is getting long. Today I have felt anxious for about 80% of the day. I can't shake it off. I can't push it under the carpet. I need to know how to cope.
Anyone have experience of this?
I have literally told no one and I know my friends would be so shocked. I'm starting to think living a life without anxiety/stress for no reason is not possible.
Thanks for reading.