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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

over reaction?

34 replies

ClockworkAngel · 28/09/2014 05:34

Hiya. I am a lurker on this board, never really post except for once about my new boyfriend. Well it has all turned to shit big time.
Cutting a long story short; we have been out for a drink at the local. I end up in the loos talking to an old friend I haven't seen in a while. He comes into the lady's toilets twice checking for me. He seemed annoyed the first time, angry the second.
I come out, go out with him whilst he has a smoke and he goes on about me annoying him for takig a while in the loos because doesn't know if I am cheating on him or not. BIG red flag I know, I have been in 2 abusive relationships prior to him.
We come home, have sex then talk and that's when it becomes sinister. I can't describe his behaviour. He was just odd and slightly aggressive. I told him I needed to take my contact lenses out. He then put his hand over my nose and mouth and said 'how do you like this?' I said no I don't, asked why are you doing this. I said again about removing the lenses and hr did the samr again. 'How about this?' He said. I said no it scares me.
Then he said he loved me and asked if I watched Emmerdale Confused i said no. He said 'well someone's just killed Declan and I dreamt I killed you the other night'. I asked 'why are you saying this? You are frightening me' he just said it again and ignored me. After a few minutes he was asleep. I got up and rang the police, non-emergency. They 20 minutes since removed him from my home. He has since rang saying he does not remember a thing.
I'm utterly confused. I am scared. I feel absolutely stupid for ringing the police. Was this the right thing to do?
I don't even know the aim of this post. I just feel bewildered by it all I need to see if I was right or just over-reacting?
I am sorry for the bad grammar and length of the post. I am sorry if I am being ridiculous. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Jacksonville14 · 28/09/2014 11:21

so glad you got rid

Have you done the Freedom Programme? - if not in person please do it online

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

gincamparidryvermouth · 28/09/2014 11:24

Sounds like bipolar disorder. I had a relative who had this, one minute he was fine, the next, flying off the handle over one minor thing

That is not what bipolar disorder looks like.

ClockworkAngel · 28/09/2014 11:45

I have told my parents. I'm getting nothing but guilt trips and 'what if/it could have been so much worse/why do you keep getting yourself in trouble?'
They are a waste of time.

OP posts:
Jacksonville14 · 28/09/2014 12:01

I would bet your own insecurity from childhood has led you to tolerate such abusive men - not your fault in any way. Please look at the freedom programme - it is invaluable.

ClockworkAngel · 28/09/2014 13:13

I will definitely look into the freedom programme. Thankyou for the suggestions I had completely forgot all about as I have heard of it before.
I wanted an update and some advice what to do next so I left my details with the police for them to ring me back. Also, just been in touch with woman's aid. She was saying I should not stay at home tonight and that I should either ring the local council or go to a refuge. It's so scary. She was saying effectively I am homeless as am fleeing abuse but I feel utterly ridiculous to think like this about it it's surreal.
As I said before, my parents think they are being supportive by pointing out all the past failed and abusive relationships I've been in. I pointed out I don't need your guilt trips but I am just going round in circles with them. I said my priority for today is my daughter and I to feel safe not work out why I keep getting myself in troubleHmm they've done a great job of making me feel to blame for it.
I am waffling on sorry. I feel more stressed than anything.
But truly can't thank people enough for their supportive responses. It has really helped me Smile

OP posts:
NorthWitch · 28/09/2014 13:59

Well I don't think your parents should be trying to guilt trip you but they are right - it COULD have been so much worse - they are probably worried about you and their grandchild.

It sounds like you need to do the Freedom programme as your abusive relationships have lowered your expectations of what's acceptable. Your boyfriend should have been ditched in the pub and probably before that by the sound of him.

hamptoncourt · 28/09/2014 14:38

Do you not know where he lives? I would just send his stuff to him in the post.

You have been very brave and definitely not over reacted.

Stay calm and keep the police updated if his behaviour escalates.

Hopefully he will leave you alone now he knows you cannot be messed with.

Jacksonville14 · 28/09/2014 15:57

the only person at fault for abuse is the abuser themselves - it is never the fault of the victim. So glad you spoke to WA - take any advice and support given I reckon.

Jux · 30/09/2014 17:55

Do your parents always blame you, and remind you of past mistakes? Or are they generally supportive just not being so right now?

Whichever it is, you need the Freedom Programme next. Please also phone the police DV Unit on 101 and talk last night through with them.

If you intend on staying at home tonight, then make sure every door and window is locked. DO NOT LET HIM IN, even if he tells you he's dying on the pavement/doorstep. Preferably do not talk to him at all. And don't respond to his calls, texts or emails either.

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