Apologies if this is long.
I'm just home from a work trip away, overseas, for a week. All seemed fine while I was away. Called and used FaceTime with DH, DD13 and DS11 regularly, Despite time difference of 5 hours.
I landed back this morning after an overnight flight to a grumpy husband, an untidy house, unchanged bed (the ONLY thing I specifically asked him to do) and 101 relatively minor DC jobs to do - new school trainers, party gift etc. BTW, we have an excellent au pair so it hasn't been too stressful a week for him and he's done his normal work hours plus hobby evenings.
I spent first several hours home not just unpacking but getting the house in a half-decent state. Meanwhile, DH lounges around reading and on his ipad. I discover that we have barely any food in and that laundry supplies have completely run out. His stock response is that he knows and will deal with it in a minute!
Despite money being tight, we went out for a family meal this evening - planned by DC before I even went as a welcome back. I did ask DH if he thought we should go but he, as usual, refuses to discuss and abdicated all responsibility. I didn't want to disappoint them and was also keen to avoid shopping and cooking after 36 hours on the go! It was a perfectly pleasant meal and DH was fine but fairly quiet. I'm silently stressed because, just a day after payday, I'm already anxious about money this month.
When we got back, DS needed some help - techie question about wifi and also problem with his bedroom door (dodgy top hinge!). DH was very irritated and cross (shouty, short fuse, not physical or threatening in any way) when DS first approached him that DS wanted to just leave it to the point of being anxious and tearful. I defused a little and supported DS but did expect DH to step up and get off his arse for 5 minutes and actually DO something!
During the whole day and evening, DH has hardly spoken to me and there's been no affection. Quick group hug at the airport but nothing since. He came up to bed moaning that he's had a broken evening and being generally unpleasant. I didn't have the energy to engage and just said we'd talk tomorrow.
Jet lag has now kicked in and I'm wide awake and lying here realising that things can't go on like this. None of us are happy with the dynamics at home. I'm absolutely not prepared to allow DS's reluctance to upset DH become the norm, which it would if he can't stop this selfish, shouty behaviour that's crept in over the last few months. In summary, it feels like a crossroads.
Where do I go from here? I do love him and can't imagine us being apart. I'm pretty sure he feels the same. Yet we've got into this terrible pattern that I don't know how to break. The status quo isn't an option. How to I make him understand the stakes without it sounding like blackmail?