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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with this 'friend'?? LONG!!

17 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 27/09/2014 22:43

bf = best friend in this post :)

My social circle is full of really kind, nice and generally lovely people... apart from this one girl (i say girl but we're all 30+) who, on every single night out anywhere ever, will cause drama. She will usually end up leaving any social occasion in a huff, storming off in some kind of dramatic exit. Everyone is usually happier when she leaves or doesn't come out at all. However she says she is depressed, she says she's mentally ill, etc... as a way of justifying this behaviour. Personally I think she is mostly a huge narcissist who may or may not have some elements of depression. She actually displays all the classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder.

So anyway, cut to last night, she had arranged a night out on facebook but 'forgot' to invite me. One of my other friends invited me instead, via text. I was fine with this and thought it may well have been a genuine error as she's never done it before. We are not close friends, we are very different people and to be perfectly honest, I've never really liked her. She's the most miserable, negative person I've met in my entire life and she constantly puts other people down to make herself feel better. You know the type who take photos of people in the street/on the bus/train and then posts it on facebook because they're wearing something she deems to be unattractive. Yeah...

Anyway last night a few of us had been in the pub and were on our way to a club to meet said girl and en route one of our other friends (who was very drunk) was crying about her unrequited love for this guy (this happens a lot!). Outside the club she drunkenly fell over and lost her glasses, but none of us noticed, she herself didn't even notice until we were inside the club. So me and one of my best friends were fairly oblivious to her plight of her losing her glasses. Said girl who is already in the club asks our friend what's up and she says 'I've lost my glasses.' So she thinks that she's been crying about her glasses when in fact she had been crying for ages before that about this guy. She then sees me and my bf standing in a different part of the club talking and laughing about something and then asks us what was up with our other friend, to which we replied something along the lines of 'oh it's just the usual guy stuff and i think she said something about losing her glasses'. So said girl then helps her find her glasses - fair play to her - we responded in a 'oh you've found them, great!' kind of way and thought that was that.

Alas it was not. I casually asked said girl about 5 mins later if she was having a good night, yanno, making polite conversation and stuff, and she turns round and starts having a massive go at me because we weren't concerned enough for our friend having lost her glasses and says that we were laughing at her and picking on her (we were doing nothing of the sort). I didn't expect confrontation and I certainly don't stand for being spoken to in such an aggressive way so I tried to reason with her but she just carried on ranting and raving in my face so I walked away and found my bf and was just about to tell her what happened when said girl comes up and starts having an even bigger go at my bf, squaring up to her and shouting and swearing in her face, blaming the two of us for our other friend being upset and being all up on her high horse because she happened to do a good thing (for a change) and help the girl find her glasses. My bf even backed away from her as she was getting right close in to her face, and as she backed off said girl just moved forward right in to her face again. I actually thought she was going to hit my bf but thankfully we picked up our coats and bags before it got to that and we made off to leave.

By this point our other friend had gone to the bar as she didn't know what the hell was going on, so me and my bf decided to go check and see if she was ok before we left, but while we were talking to her we see said girl doing her usual storming out in a huff thing without bothering to look for our friend who she had been so vehemently 'sticking up for'. Me and my bf then stayed in club and looked after our very drunk emotional friend and had a nice time for an hour or so before getting her in to a taxi with us and making sure she got home ok.

Now my problem is what to do about it. I rarely feel compelled to say anything in these kinds of situations but it was so out of order and uncalled for that I feel like I should. Said girl was on the phone to our other friend (who doesn't remember much and wants to stay out of it) early in the morning trying to justify her actions. My bf has been texting said girl, trying to reason with her and basically saying that getting all up in her face like that was out of order and that she wants an apology otherwise they can't be friends. Said girl will not apologise and keeps saying 'but you were being mean' and trying to lay blame on us. I want to message her to tell her exactly what I think about her aggressive behaviour and to try and reason with her but will I be wasting my breath? I really don't think me and my bf did anything wrong at all, at a push maybe we should have helped her look for her glasses but she didn't even seem that arsed about them herself and she wasn't making a great deal of sense at that point...

It has been suggested that said girl is jealous of mine and bf's friendship, which would explain her not inviting me out... good lord, I feel like I'm in high school again!! I hate all this drama, I find it so unnecessary... Why would she even react in such an aggressive manner?! Surely we are all adults and can have a normal conversation about what was going on?? I want to make this girl see how ridiculous she is being but is it even possible?! Thank you for reading this far, it feels good to vent!!

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/09/2014 22:49

I would honestly avoid her, stay well away. Do not engage and do not message her. It's not worth it and it does sound very High School. Rise above.

mariposaazul · 27/09/2014 22:53

No point going over it endlessly - everyone has their unshakeable view... I would do nothing except to resolve to try to avoid her.

flightywoman · 27/09/2014 22:53

I'd ditch her tbh. Who needs 'friends' like that?

She's aggressive, manipulative and doesn't sound like she enhances your life.

QueenQueenie · 27/09/2014 22:56

How old did you say you all were? Blimey.

superstarheartbreaker · 27/09/2014 22:59

I stopped reading after 2 sentences and thought " get rid."

MoonshineWashingLine · 27/09/2014 23:00

I know Queen - nothing like this EVER happens if she's not around...and this the worst yet.

If only it were as simple as ditching her... we share a lot of mutual friends.

To be honest I don't care for her friendship and she probably doesn't care for mine, but she does care for my bf's friendship as she's always got on well with her. Which is why we were all even more perplexed as to why she squared up to her! She's been texting my bf today but I've not heard from her... thankfully!

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 27/09/2014 23:17

Back
The fuck
Away

Your best friend can be friends with you both, and can meet up without having to involve you. Tell that to your bf, then back away from womanX. Don't ask after her, don't talk about her, leave a conversation or change it if someone starts gossiping about her.

And if she invites everyone but you on a night out via FB - count your blessings Wink

Holdthepage · 27/09/2014 23:28

^^^this

Dirtybadger · 27/09/2014 23:47

Jesus. Far too much drama. Why does she go out with you all if no one likes her? Or do others tolerate her better than you do?

Whilst she does sound a pain and aggressive I do think it sounds a bit mean that you were with a friend who was crying and lost their glasses and basically just carried on. In the same circumstances I would like to think I'd 1. Help her find the glasses and 2. Get her somewhere a little quieter for the night (invite annoying girl to get her out the club where she would otherwise be waiting along obviously).

If I went out with friends and two arrived appearing to ignore the fact another one was way too drunk, had fallen, lost their glasses and was really emotional- I'd probably have a bit of a word.

I would actually ask my friend what had happened though. She appears to have missed that bit and jumped to the worst conclusion.

Anyway, yes, avoid her at all costs.

MoonshineWashingLine · 28/09/2014 00:10

Maybe I wasn't clear, we had already been looking after her for about an hour while she was upset. We had calmed her down before we went in the club and she only made a passing comment about losing her glasses and then wandered off... she didn't make a big deal of it. We didn't even realise she'd lost them outside, we thought they were in her bag or something!

Yes said girl was indeed jumping to conclusions and prompty got up on her high horse after finding the glasses. The worst thing is that she backstabs our emotional friend all the time :( she clearly doesn't give a shit about her, she just wants everyone to see how great she is for finding her sodding glasses!

OP posts:
Adarajames · 28/09/2014 00:17

You're all 13 or so did you say......

God, life's hard work as it is, don't add to it with idiotic people that aren't friends!

something2say · 28/09/2014 09:35

I think that if you cannot ditch her due to the social circle thing, I'd ring her up and have a word about her behaviour last night.

Not about everything tho, as you cannot change her and this may be who she is.

Gter that, I would avoid her. You said in your op that you were making conversation with her at one stage, trying to be nice.....well that is two faced of you. And dangerous. If you go in the cage with the crocodile, you cannot blame it for biting you, so stay away and don't be fake.

MoonshineWashingLine · 28/09/2014 10:33

I see what you're saying there but I don't think it's two faced to try and make conversation with someone... I'm always polite and civil with her as I would never instigate negativity in a social situation.

I think I'm going to leave it and rise above as dontstep said. My bf has already tried to reason with her snd got nowhere. She is highly delusional and is just refusing to acknowledge how aggressive she was being. I think she's a lost cause.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/09/2014 10:49

I did read it all. I was going to stop and say you all sound like school girls. But I thought there would be a point to all the build up. Nope. You do sound like school girls.

Do you really need to ask what to do or do you just want to drag others into your drama?

Shinysideup675 · 28/09/2014 11:00

Well, you do all sound a bit like teenagers. But I only really wanted to comment to congratulate you and your friends on having enough energy to summon the will to go clubbing in your 30s.

Is this woman a drama queen on occasions when there's no alcohol flowing?

MoonshineWashingLine · 28/09/2014 11:34

Yeah its kind of consistent behaviour but when she's drunk it's a lot worse.

Haha, yeah clubbing doesn't happen often anymore! It wasn't really a proper club, more a bar with dancing :)

OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 28/09/2014 11:44

Are you 12?

Enjoy the drama while you're still young...

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