I am beyond belief

[greenberet]

I recently posted asking for advice on EA. I have been through hell & back this year and after reading Lundy Bancrofts book there is no doubt in my mind. The months I spent trying to work out what was going on before I was confronted with the truth of OW is a symptom of EA - even the behaviour that
turned him into a victim and got him sympathy not only from myself but no doubt from others who do not know the full story. Today I find out that he has engaged is some pretty full on promotion of himself and his business. He left 2 months ago - no discussion no warning & next week we take our DS to see a psychologist for long term behavioural problems which i feel he has probably contributed too. I am numb.

Sorry if discovering you've been subjected to emotional bullying has come as a nasty surprise. I'm struck that you say 'we' are taking DS to see a psychologist. If there is any kind of emotionally abusive, manipulative or controlling behaviour from your ex, I don't think they should be in the sessions. It might prevent DS from being candid.

thanks cog - they are aware of how I feel -they have a full background and I didnt really have any choice in the matter, DH thinks its me with the problems and so the more people that see us together hopefully the more he shows his true self.

You would hope...

The biggest shock of my life was how ex behaved in our first - and last - session of couples counseling. I was so shocked I literally couldn't speak. Butter wouldn't melt, attentive and loving husband

The bastard.

The therapist was completely taken in, my ex kept going after I walked out of that session and never went back. (The therapist - a psychiatrist, actually - cintinued ti support my husband on how to deal with my 'controlling and abusive behaviour'.) Although he had put me through hell before and since, I can't describe the pain of that moment.

So please don't assume he will be his vile self, subtle or not, in the presence of a therapist.

He sat facing me on the sofa, his arm draped along the back of the sofa behind me. He looked deeply at my face, for all the world the loving, engaged husband. Which was odd because he hadn't looked at my face for two years before that.

do not allow your ds to be in the middle of this, do not allow the counselling, he'll use it to destroy you and your son.

refuse to allow it, tell them he's abusive and that counselling is not recommended in such situations.

allow your ds a bit of time now his dad's gone, your DS behaviour issues will start to improve. get him to talk to you about his feelings.

he'll charm the birds from the trees and make you look like a basket case. you hhaven't got a prayer in that situation.

no offence, but he's got an agenda here, he doesn't play by normal rules.

you're nice, he's abusive. only way to beat him at his game (and that's what it Is to him somehow) is not to play.

sure he'll go batshit, but that's the sigb for you to know you're winning!

anytime he needs cutting down, hurl some of the abuse he threw at you, back at him. abusers always say the worst things (to them) that they can think of. so telling you all his friends hate you, is HIS fear that he's not important to his 'friends' and peers.

Please don't use your child's behavioural problems to your advantage - taking your DS to this appointment in an attempt to shame your XP publicly is very manipulative.

Do the decent thing and disengage yourself. If your child needs professional help, fair enough. Take him on your own.

i am not going to use my son in any way here - and it is not as a means to shame my XDH. My son needs help - i didnt realise what the possible cause was until only recently - when I realised that I am being EA myself- I always thought my own behaviour was at question as i did with my son.

I have my GPs support in all this as well as my own counsellor who has had one session with my dh.

I fear for my sons mental health and that is why I am going ahead with this now - it was five years ago we last spoke to the GP about it & actually thinking about it maybe one of the reasons my DH has never been particularly proactive in all this is that no doubt we will both be put under the spotlight. I am quite prepared for this.

YOU might not try to use your DS, but your H might. you need to get DS seen without H being there. Your DS needs a safe place to speak.