A few days on and H has moved out to his parents.
He accepts that I mean it and this is a permanent decision that I will not be revising. I am glad to hear that when he contacted my Mum he expressed to her that this was the situation as he understood it (don't worry he want ranting and raving at my Mum just checking in with her, he really is a nice person but with allot of problems and a real need to grow the heck up and re look at his priorities. We were once great friends, long before we were a couple but there are things in a friend you accept as it doesn't impact your life and isn't your business that are impossible in a marriage. I maybe hoplessly optimistic but maybe, one day we can recapture some of that friendship as I do miss him on that level).
I have spent the week so far finding out what is available to me, what I need to get it and on the phone, filling online forms and chasing down paperwork in the house. I am struggling with ID for opening a bank account but have hopefully got that sorted now, just waiting for a benefit award letter to come from child benefit (have suspended those payments until I have a bank account to ensure that money from that comes to me and in turn the children. I have identified and applied for employment support allowance which is perfect for me, just have to get my medical certificate from my GP who I am seeing on his weekly trip out to the village. Even though I think I have started the process with every thing we are entitled to I have also arranged to speak to the benefit advisor attached to the childrens centre in town. So yeah been busy.
Had the TAC for my ds this morning, H (what do I call him now? Not planning on rushing to solicitor for divorce, kind of figured it would be cheapest to do the two year separation especially as there are no assets or savings and only debt is a £500 OD), who has never bothered to come to school or TAC meetings before advised me as part of a very chilly email (in reply to the informal but polite once I had sent him outlining possible access for the children) that had clearly been written by his Father that he was now going to attend. I wasn't best pleased with the idea for a few reasons that where just me being petty and I do know that it is better late then never when it comes to being an active part of his children's lives. I did think this morning he had changed his mind when he dropped ds back to me at 8am, he didn't stop long enough to speak to (or even see) me so given the 8am drop rather then him taking to school was agreed to allow him to get to work I thought he must have changed his mind but no, he had dropped ds off at 8 and then gone and hung about somewhere until I saw him sitting in his car near the school just after 9 as I was killing time myself waiting for the 9.30 meeting. This unreasonably pissed me off!
The meeting actually went well on the whole, he tried to get a couple of digs in at me that fell completely flat as I was about to put truth without missing a beat or looking petty. He also waxed lyrical about how he had read with ds the night before and how well he felt ds did pausing evey so often looking for the pat on the head that wasn't coming, i refrained from commenting about it being the first time he has ever read with ds. Later on in the day walking home from school ds started talking out of nowhere about how he had read his school book with his Nanny last night.
I know all the stuff above is just petty and childish from me but as I can't get any of this out in real life it is good to just come on here and let it out and rant a little, I do apologise!
Ds is struggling to understand, H hasn't helped in the way he has explained things to ds, he is rubbish at taking into consideration ds's special needs and the different way he views the world and as a result ds keeps saying Daddy is having a sleep over with Nanny and Granddad. I am doing my best to explain in a way ds can understand but it seems like H just then goes and confuses him again, he has also done a nice one in having me as the bed guy, 'Why did you tell Daddy to go Mummy?' and things to that effect on that is what I get as I try to explain. While it is true that I was the one who called time I am not about to go into the complex issues that put me in the position with either of my children let along the smallest one with SN! How the hell do I explain it to him! With dd (and ds but he is really struggling poor little boy) I have explained it as we as a family seem to do better in teams of three, Mummy and 2 children and Daddy and 2 children. I do wish I could know exactly what was being said, the smallest turn of phrase can cause mayhem with children like ds.
I have gone on enough, any advice for anybody would be so welcomed, like how do I deal with the well meaning friends who say things like 'its so out of the blue, can you not work it out, you always seemed so together etc etc'
I am not out to slag off H, we live in a very small, very tight community (well I, but H as kids Dad is still part of the community even though he isn't living in the village anymore) and I am not going to start asking people to take sides or pull apart H issues with people who aren't close friends of mine, its fair on nobody. How do I make clear that I am not acting on one argument, that there has been years and years of effort on my part to hold it all together and that I am not going to stand and give people the blow by blow of the last days of my marriage!
so sorry this is so long and so full of meaningless crap.