well this get better

[indigobiz]

I've NC'd for this, been using mumsnet for a few years.

I'm writing this to try and get some perspective and advice on how to move forward with my life.

I was with my STBXH for 15 years since I was 17, married for 2 years, no children. I left him for a mutual friend, we've now been together 3 years and have a young DD.

I fell pregnant quickly after leaving my H, not long after I became depressed as a result of the separation and, more importantly, the circumstances which led to the separation i.e. affair. After my DD was born I became more depressed and was prescribed ADs which I'm no longer on.

My H and I led a party lifestyle throughout our time together, it was a cycle of work and parties for the 15 years. We had a large circle of friends and were very sociable. My H is many years older than me and has lived this lifestyle since his teen years which also involved recreational drugs, over our time together I also became involved in this side of things.

When I left I lost all my friends, my social life and, what felt like, my identity. This cemented further when I became pregnant and since had my DD.

The shame and guilt over my affair was all consuming and I worried about what our friends thought of me and how my H was doing. This has lessened somewhat recently as a few weeks ago my DP and I went to an event that my H and friends were also at, they spoke to me and my DP and they have all moved on and were lovely to me, my H included. H and I have been in touch since then and we are on friendly terms.

My problem is me and DP's relationship. He's such a lovely, kind and thoughtful person who is a fantastic father but I just feel empty inside. I feel nothing for my H, absolutely do not want to get back with him so it's not that. I feel unable to move on from the destruction I caused and I'm beating myself up with it. It's almost self pitying because no one else that it affected is still struggling with my actions except me.

I've been having suicidal thoughts but would never harm myself due to the repercussions of it on others, especially my daughter who I love with all heart.

I'm sorry for the rambling, half of it probably didn't make sense or isn't relevant. I just feel so empty inside and miserable or that I'm going to go crazy.

Well given that everyone else has moved on, and after 3 years, it does seem a little self indulgent...

It's the same reaction my exH had when his affair was discovered. A mixture of self loathing; guilt; worry about what everyone else was going to think; shame... everything you say really.

But that's what happens when you think the grass is greener and realise it isn't.

My exH was also having suicidal thoughts. He went to see the GP and was referred for counselling. He found that CBT helped him to get over it and now we're all a lot happier than we were (we haven't got back together and neither of us would ever want to - we're both single)

God that sounded really harsh. I didn't mean it to, but it is difficult to have sympathy for someone who feels bad because they cheated on someone else.

You need to be pro-active about getting this sorted. You owe it to your daughter and your partner to get past this, rather than using it as a stick to beat yourself with.

Life is complicated...things happen. Sounds like everyone has moved on but you. How old is your dd op? Just asking because my first thought was perhaps you may have pnd? I think you should definitely see your gp and please be kind to yourself

My daughter's 2.

I hate how I can't get past this and still beat myself up over everything.

I've had depression on and off for nearly 20 years and I don't have the energy left to deal with it anymore. I feel like I'm not programmed to ever be happy and I'm tired of it. I asked my doc the last time I went for ADs a few months after DD was born and she said the waiting list was very long so she thought I'd be better with ADs. I'm embarrassed to go back again as have been so many tunes over the years.