Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Advice please - left devestated!!!

21 replies

emmalouise1091 · 27/09/2014 08:40

Hello. I really do need some advice and some peoples opinions on my situation.

To start with some background information. Me and my ex got together 2 years ago. 3 months into the relationship we ended. He immediately (that day) started speaking to a new girl. He said he was in love with her. This relationship didn't last long. 2 months later he's back in my life and I forgive him. We haven't had a brilliant relationship.

I am now currently 25 weeks pregnant and he's basically done the same thing again!! He left me and THAT DAY is talking to a new girl. Now I know I shouldn't have but I looked at his email account. I found a 'love letter' to this new girl. She lives two hours away from us and currently has a boyfriend. In this letter he's promising her the world and the stars. Confessing his undying love for her. How he never loved me and she is his soul mate. He's telling her to leave her boyfriend for him. Saying she can live with him. Guess what the best part is?? They have never even met! We split up 5 days ago!

Now he has blocked me on everything so I can not contact him. I asked him to come to a midwife appointment with me just before he blocked me and he said no.

This 'man' has a daughter already with his ex girlfriend. He is only ever interested in her when it suits him. I know the chance of him wanting to know our baby is slim!

Basically what I want to know is how can this be happening? how can he love someone 5 days after splitting up with his pregnant girlfriend? how can he love someone he's never even met?

He is very very charming! I know that he will persuade this girl to leave her boyfriend. He doesn't stop until he gets what he wants.

Any input would be MASSIVLY appreciated. I am devastated over this. Completely heart broken. Less than a week ago he was telling me he loves me more than anything in the world! I need to try and understand what has happened!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2014 08:51

'How' it can be happening is that this man says whatever it takes to get into someone's knickers. If saying 'I love you' unlocks the elastic, that's what he'll say. He's a typical selfish, charming con-artist who also said what was required for you to take him back. I doubt he has any real feelings towards women particularly, you're all just a means to an end.... gratification.

Bear this in mind when his next conquest turns sour or he gets bored. You took him back once and he probably thinks you're a dead-cert place-holder....

Cabrinha · 27/09/2014 08:53

I'm sorry you're now alone and pregnant.

But...
He dumped you early on.
Your relationship was never good.
He doesn't bother with his other child.

He is a selfish arsehole.
That's all you need to understand.

Do not waste any time trying to work out why he behaves as he does. The "why" is because he can get away with it.

If you spend anytime analysing and understanding, spend it on why you chose to stay with him. You can't change him, you can change you, and it will be time well spent. Understanding him however would be a waste if time.

Focus on you and your baby.

mamawitch · 27/09/2014 08:54

Just rid him from your life he doesn't deserve you or the baby. You are a strong woman and you can raise this child yourself without him. It won't be easy but it's better than worrying about a man who has zero respect for you. Good luck you are worth much more!

ElsieMc · 27/09/2014 08:58

I second Cogito's post. He will be back but just remember that when he says how sorry he is, he is only sorry things did not work out elsewhere. He has form and another child and he will continue to behave like this. Anyone who tells someone they love them so early on in a relationship, particularly when they have not even met, clearly has issues. He sounds completely immature.

I hope you have some RL support. I think you knew what he was like, but have been hoping for the best because of your pregnancy. Put yourself and the baby first now. Don't waste any more time on him. Would you really want him back always wondering if he was cheating or about to leave?

Fmlgirl · 27/09/2014 09:16

I hope you know that taking him back once was a mistake and you shouldn't have. Don't do it again.

He is selfish person with no respect for your feelings. Focus on yourself and your baby instead.

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 09:17

Sorry about whats happened to you.

You saw the way he treat his other child why did you think he was going to treat your child any different? You have been blinded by love. I think you would take him back in a shot.

Know one thing a sound relationship is built upon love, respect and trust. There is no respect for you here and your trust is obviously being eroded.

This will never ever have the outcome you want it to.

So sorry.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/09/2014 09:17

What's happening is: he tells lies. It's as simple as that. He said he loved you. He didn't. He says he loves her. He doesn't. He will tell some other woman next week that he loves them. How can he love them? He doesn't, of course. He loves himself.

Some people are just completely self-centred, like toddlers that never grew up (hence a certain child-like appeal). They are often genuinely confused if you remember the last time they did you down. They've forgotten it, so of course you should; after all you're only part of the scenery in the play that is their life. That's it, it's all about play, all about acting the part to get the result. They are an empathy-free zone. In some ways one might pity them, as they will never know a genuine rapport with another human being; but then, they're probably perfectly happy without rapport as long as they are getting their own way, whatever their own way is this week. It is impossible to have a proper relationship with someone like this. Now you know what he is, you can stop wasting your time trying.

LineRunner · 27/09/2014 09:24

He behaves like this because he wants to, and he wants to because there is something wrong with him and you can't fix that.

You should spend your energies looking after yourself and building your self esteem and confidence so you never get involved with this man or another man like him ever again.

Good luck with everything

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 27/09/2014 09:24

Because he says whatever is needed to get what he wants. It is as simple as that.

PurpleWithRed · 27/09/2014 09:39

What's happened is you fell for his lies and were blinded to his real personality. Which is selfish, uncaring and unloving. He is not in love with this girl - he clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word. I'm afraid he doesn't give a fig for you or for your baby either.

I'm really sorry.

borisgudanov · 27/09/2014 11:09

All he wants to do is get his end away. Nothing else matters, including who else gets hurt. He is nothing but a selfish, nasty little twunt and not worthy of further consideration.

Original poster

emmalouise1091 · 27/09/2014 12:17

I got back with him the first time because I missed him so much. He promised me a perfect relationship and I believed him. He's so manipulative! I'm only just seeing these things. I was completely blind to anything bad he did. I know I can never go back because it will always end the same! Just hurts so much!

OP posts:

LIZS · 27/09/2014 12:27

He doesn't want commitment , he moved on before and he will again. Best thing you can do is focus on making a good start for your baby and ensure you get financial support form him , through CSA if needs be.

LineRunner · 27/09/2014 12:41

I know it hurts, emmalouise, but I promise it will lessen with time and you will be much happier and more secure. Please work on your self esteem. You deserve so much more than this loser.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2014 17:43

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Of course it hurts to know that you've wasted your time and emotion on someone who wasn't worth the effort. It hurts to think you've been made a fool of, taking them back, believing the lies. Must hurt even more to have gone to the trouble to have a child with the same person.... you've got a permanent connection which makes it a lot more difficult to detach.

Hope you have some good RL support around you. Glad you're seeing him for what he is.

Original poster

emmalouise1091 · 28/09/2014 05:11

Can any off you who have posted or someone who hasn't posted advise me on what I should do regarding the babe? Should I just give him a chance to be there for my daughter or should I wait until he shows an interest and proves himself? I have no other children and I am only 22 so don't have much life experience either! I have my mum who is amazing but she has a very hateful attitude which I don't. I'm not capable of hate.

OP posts:

Original poster

emmalouise1091 · 28/09/2014 05:11

Sorry baby*

OP posts:

RudyMentary · 28/09/2014 05:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emberSept · 28/09/2014 07:34

He'll be back and he'll use the baby to try to manipulate you to let him back in your life. He'll do exactly the same again and next time he'll hurt your baby's feelings as well as yours.
Of course you shouldn't give him a chance to get to know his baby. This man is a complete idiot.
Get child support from him, but otherwise consider that the baby has no father.
Read some of the thousands of posts on mums net by women who stay with their idiot partners because they have children and be grateful you're not one of those.

LIZS · 28/09/2014 07:40

Assuming you are n't married you'll need his presence at the registry ofice to name him as the father on the birth certificate. If you do it gives him parental responsibility. You may want to consult someone legal as to the longer term implications of this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2014 08:19

His responsibility as a father is to make sure he supports your baby financially and also emotionally. If he was a decent human being, he should be volunteering both. As he's obviously selfish and irresponsible, assume he'll do neither. Suggest you start pursuing him for maintenance and get that part sorted out as priority. Regarding contact, your responsibility is only to facilitate. That doesn't mean bending over backwards or letting him swan in and out of her life when it suits. When you feel ready offer him , in writing, a reasonable contact schedule that you could accommodate. That's your responsibility upheld. He has to take it from there.

Flip