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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hubbie not accepting a divorce

19 replies

conway · 26/09/2014 15:23

I have posted before and have finally filed for divorce on his unreasonable behaviour.( mostly drinking related)
Unfortunately he is totally indenial and seems to think that it is just a matter of spending some time together.We have tried counselling last year but I still want out.
I am posting on here as want to know what will happen if he digs in his heels in and won't let me have a divorce.
Also I want words to keep me going as he is very controlling and says that I will ruin the boys lives. we are also in the same house( me in the spare room)
which is so hard.
Please keep me strong

OP posts:
Granville72 · 26/09/2014 15:35

He can contest (under the grounds on which you are filing) but he cannot stop it proceeding

www.ehow.co.uk/info_8447307_happens-someone-contests-divorce.html

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2014 15:47

Well done on taking control of things and starting the separation process.
I'm not really sure what you do.
I think as long as you have filed there's not really much he do about it.
You don't need his permission to divorce.
After 2 years of no co-operation from him you can go for it anyway.

Disengage from him. Let his words and manipulation wash over you (not easy I know)
What is your short term plan for separating?
Can you move out?
Have you gone to CAB and got info on what you are entitled to?

It must be horrible when you've made the big jesture and it's just brushed under the carpet by him.
Just keep telling him it's over. Broken record technique!

Keep going and keep strong. You know you are doing the right thing for you and your boys.

kaykayblue · 26/09/2014 17:15

You need to speak to a solicitor really about whether you can force him to leave the property (assuming you are the main care giver to the children).

I believe that if someone refuses to co-operate with a divorce then you can divorce after a certain period of separation. Your just delaying that by living in the same house as him.

MrBuscuits · 26/09/2014 17:20

2 years separation first, OP.

Smilesandpiles · 26/09/2014 17:37

2 years? I thought it was a year?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2014 18:04

OP you need professional legal advice specific to your situation. That includes the fact that he is attempting to manipulate and control you and also that he is being hostile and uncooperative. I do not think, in the circumstances, you should be under the same roof, for example. The divorce is already being stalled, could very easily drag on and you risk being damaged in the process.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/09/2014 18:05

2 years separation for a divorce without grounds, 5 years for an uncontested divorce.
The courts will decide whether you should get a divorce.

Smilesandpiles · 26/09/2014 18:19

Ah, thank you. Every day is a learning day on MN.

conway · 26/09/2014 20:19

thanks would love to move out but can't afford to until we have a financial settlement. All the pretense is hard as when the kids are around we just are pretending everything is ok .We have just had a family meal and both need an oscar on how we managed to be civil to each other. Has anyone else done this?
In half term he has booked for us all to go to Spain but obviously I have told him that I cannot go! I said I will pay him what I owe and we can either cancel or he can take the boys. This will be hard for me but may be better for my boys to have a nice holiday.( away from everything) I can just work and as am self employed could do with the extra money.
This would force us to tell the boys what is happening

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2014 23:13

Your kids will already know something's up. It's unrealistic to think you can maintain a pretence 24/7 for however many months or years there are between now and a financial settlement.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 26/09/2014 23:33

Doesn't alcoholism count as unreasonable behaviour? You don't need to wait 2 years (and I strongly advise you against trying to wait, you will resent him so much it will get nasty)

MeMyselfAnd1 · 26/09/2014 23:35

I begged my ex for a divorce for 8 years, looking back after all these years, I don't get why I thought I needed his approval to do it...

Twinklestein · 26/09/2014 23:39

It's not up to him, it doesn't matter whether he accepts it or not, you can divorce him anyway.

Getting him out of the house is another question.

zipzap · 26/09/2014 23:42

It's not nice of him to book to go to spain in the circumstances - it's another example of him being controlling. SadAngry

Was it something you had agreed to or felt bullied into agreeing to before he booked it or was it a surprise? I certainly wouldn't offer to pay your share if you don't go - you've already told him that you want to get divorced, you're in separate bedrooms, he has no right to book family holidays for all of you together (would you have had to share a room or bed by any chance?!)

If you are already in different bedrooms then chances are your dc will have worked out something is different. It would be much fairer to them to explain what is happening and why - couched in age appropriate terms and ensuring that they know it is in no way related to anything to do with them - rather than for them to discover that they have been living a lie or to think that the atmosphere they are living in is in anyway 'normal'.

Good luck - you've managed brilliantly so far if you've stayed civil to your dh. The only way you will ruin your boys lives is to stay with him so they live with him as an example of fatherhood. And just repeat that to him any time he says that to you - just because he says it doesn't make it true. He's saying it because he knows it will upset you. And remember that although he won't give you a divorce, he can't force you to give him a 'marriage' while you live together either. Stay strong!

ouryve · 26/09/2014 23:43

Controlling behaviour counts as unreasonable behaviour, with or without alcohol involved.

Corygal · 27/09/2014 00:26

You need him out. Talk to the CAB about how you get him to leave. You're doing brilliantly, he sounds ghastly.

WellWhoKnew · 27/09/2014 00:51

Hello Conway, we've chatted before I think. Well done for making a very big decision and acting on it. I know it's hard but you're doing the right thing.

Nobody needs to wait two years. Everyone, and I mean everyone, can divorce on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour - and most people are advised to as it's the quickest and cheapest option. Most people cannot believe the reasons I'm being divorced for, let alone the fact that I'm not divorcing him!

The only way you can 'contest' a divorce is to spend a lot of money on solicitors and barristers to argue it before a judge, who will rule that the divorce can proceed.

The only exceptions are very very extreme. The example my solicitor gave me was of a woman whose husband set fire to her in her own kitchen and then attempted to divorce her on the grounds of her UB. It was upheld that nobody can act so unreasonably that they deserve to be set fire to. She divorced him on the grounds of his UB.

So practically speaking - he's been served papers. It doesn't matter that he's in denial. And the courts don't give a damn that he doesn't sign the acknowledgement of service that he's received it in seven days (I sat on mine for for six weeks). If you want to proceed within seven days follow the advice given here:

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/DIY-Divorce-Resources/Petitioning-for-Divorce/How-can-i-have-a-divorce-if-the-respondent-will-not-sign-or-i-dont-know-where-they-live.html

If not, give him a little more time to adjust - but that absolutely has to be your choice.

Take care - it's a horrible experience, but it will get better.

mumontherun220 · 27/09/2014 18:06

I have had this with my situation. The entire time we were still living in the same house playing a variation of 'happy families' be refused to accept that I was being totally serious. It is unbelievable and so far removed from the norm of me sheepishly doing whatever i needed to do to toe the line and not rock the boat. There was no screaming and shouting so he could not get his head around what was going to happen. It is just more controlling. I moved out, I had to. I had no money, am on every benefit going but still did otherwise i would still be there and I no longer could. Incredibly hard but at least i am being left alone. Good luck, you are on your path.

hamptoncourt · 27/09/2014 19:19

He can't "refuse" you a divorce. Your petition I assume states that he has behaved unreasonably by doing X Y and Z wankery things and as a result of this you now find it intolerable to live with him?

To contest such a petition he would have to prove that the marriage has not broken down. Contesting a divorce is a fools game and very costly. He won't do it.

Hold your nerve OP. Why on earth would you offer to pay him for booking a holiday you don't want to go on? Stuff him.

He is still trying to bully you. As is mentioned often on this site, a divorce will end, staying in a shitty marriage lasts until one of you dies Sad

You have to just keep telling him, " I have made my decision and I will not change my mind." Repeat repeat repeat.

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