Lack of sex and guilt

[wellthatblows]

Have name changed to avoid being outed. I have a lovely DP of 5 years and am in my second pregnancy.

The crux of the issue is that during my pregnancies I lose any interest in sex. I don't think about it, I don't fantasise, I don't (TMI) indulge in self satisfaction.

We have had sex a few times but I find it incredibly painful and have had to fight back tears. (both pregnancies)

My DP is really sensitive about sex issues and it took a couple if years to get to the stage where he'd talk about sex at all.

Trying not to drip feed and trying to keep it brief sorry of I miss any obvious details out.

Anyway, he's sexually frustrated and has started accessing porn on line out of desperation. (I think only recently but having located the sites I think maybe longer.)

I found out when he forgot to clear the internet history properly and when I tried to ask him about it, he shut down and said he was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here really. I'm feeling pretty shit and pretty selfish and I guess I'm thinking I should just grit my teeth and put out more often to keep him happy.

We're not perfectly matched in the sex area anyway. He has a high sex drive and he's a skilled love maker and does the job well although it's over really quickly regardless of frequency. I'm confident enough but really can take it or leave it, even in my younger days.

When I'm not pregnant I mostly have sex to keep DP happy and generally let him do stuff that I'm not that in to because it he likes it. Nothing strange or anything extreme, but in all honesty just not my cup of tea.

Obviously, he doesn't know any of this and I don't feel I can talk to him about it due to his sensitive nature in this area. I've been thinking that maybe I need professional help to work out why sex doesn't interest me. (it's not just DP, was my EXH before that and previous partners too.)

I find my DP very attractive and love him so very much. Everything else is nigh on perfect and we get on so well. This is literally the only problem but it's turning into quite a big deal now. I certainly don't want to leave, I want to fix this if possible.

What can I do?

Firstly, stop thinking he accesses porn through desperation. No-one with hands and a mind need be desperate. He accesses porn for pleasure.

That links for me with your statement that he does things you don't really want, when you're having sex. That is a big problem. Stop going along with it.

Seek out professional help aiming to want more sex, if you like. But don't take all this as 'your fault'. People are allowed to have different sex drives. You aren't selfish.

It might be that the DP and ex just don't turn you on. Someone might come along who does.

Why is sex hurting? Do you need more lubrication, or different positions?

And if sex is over really quickly, he isn't a skilled love-maker at all.

Everything else is not perfect - you need to be able to talk to each other, about anything and everything.

So ask him to come to counselling and talk, talk, talk.

In a relationship, compatibility in the bedroom is a hugely important issue.

To be frank, I'm not sure what you are looking for here. You both have very mis-matched sex drives. He likes a lot of sex, and you have basically spent your whole relationship just "appeasing" him, without any real interest. This isn't a problem that's going to just disappear. His sex drive probably isn't going to radically change, and neither is yours. You shouldn't be feeling "obligated" to put out, and he shouldn't have to feel that he is fighting an uphill battle just to have sex with his partner.

I really wish that people (generally, not just you of course) would stop considering sexual compatibility as some kind of tiny side issue that isn't worth focussing on until the shit hits the fan.

It's not normal for sex to be painful though - you should speak to him about it, and make a doctors appointment to make sure everything is okay.

Overall though, this issue is never going to go away.

I agree with kaykayblue. This sounds like a bigger issue than a temporary lull in sexual activity. The idea of only having sex to 'keep him happy' sounds utterly demeaning and miserable. Why on earth would you do that? .... and why would he have sex with you knowing you were not particularly willing?

Think ideas of a 'sensitive nature', guilt and embarrassment have to be well and truly parked and the pair of you need to have a properly adult, properly open and honest conversation about sex. Otherwise I don't see a happy future for either of you

Also OP - Neither of you are going to happy if this continues.