Wife leaves me and the kids.

[donclothes]

My wife has left me saying she does not love me anymore. She told our boys, 3 and 5, and has moved to a flat. She has made all the decisions concerning how we proceed forward and who gets what. The only thing here is that she has suffered depression since the birth of our second son 3-1/2 years ago. She tells me I blame everything on her depression and am unsupportive. I obviously do not want her to stay at home and be depressed but can not be sure I am the root cause in all of this. Many of you will think she has someone else. That may be true but she denies it and is unmotivated sexually anyway.
The odd thing though is that she only wants the boys 2-1/2 days a week. This fits with her work but could a straight thinking mother really want this? She also wants it written into the divorce so it can not be changed!
My question is am I blaming her depression or is she being ruled by it and will later regret her actions?
I also do not know what she has told her friends and family as they are shunning me, so can only assume she is blackening my name.
Would love any female input from someone who has suffered PND in the past.

If you were the only thing that had caused the break down of your relationship then surly she would have asked you to leave or taken the kids with her.
There is never usually a single reason for a break up. Her depression would have an effect on you and your relationship. Her depression will also effect her. Having kids causes tons of stress without any other factors thrown in.
Nearly everyone has an urge to justify their actions and she's doing that.
She may regret her actions in the future but you can only deal with the here and now and what's best for your little ones.
Don't let her dictate too much. Think about what the kids need emotionally.
Hard times for everyone.

Oh I don't know what advice to give you but I am sure someone else will be along soon.

I really cannot understand a mother leaving her children. I had PND but whatever I felt I would have given my life for my kids and to leave them! Well... I don't know what to say because I can't personally envisage being in such a bad place that I would consider that. I have been in bad places so I am trying not to judge :(

I hope you get some constructive advice. All I would say is get some legal advice because, as I see it, has has abandoned her family. I do not think that she gets to call the shots.

I suspect that PND and long term depression could have effected her ability to bond, her enjoyment in having children and her relationship with them. It could also mean that she feels perhaps that she is unable, or not the best person to have them resident with her because she realises this.

Perhaps she feels that she must "blacken" your name to her friends and family, because she must convince them that leaving was her only option, especially when she has left her children behind. Unfortunately women are scorned where men are not in this respect. There is usually a far harsher judgement on women than men.

Maybe she isn't thinking straight and may live to regret her choices, but unless you can get some sort of psych report that says she is not of sound mind...and what right have you to do this, then you must accept at face value what she tells you.

Have you been the root cause in all this? there will be no concrete objective reality here, only your account and hers. Be honest with yourself though, have you done as much as you might have been able to? did you offer enough support in the early days? get up at night? take paternity leave? help with the house? do some of the thinking? deal with sickly kids and doctors appointments etc? because it seems that your wife is the one with the part time job. Was this a choice? would you have been prepared to do more childcare and allow her more time to persue her work and other interests?

Myroomisatip. If a female posted on here would you have asked were you the root cause of this?
When I read the op I wondered how long it would take for someone to mention 'the house work' you didn't disappoint.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP and I'm afraid all you can do is take her on face value and assume she's not coming back. Do you have RL support? People who can be with you or who you can talk to? Everyone in your position frantically wonders why someone chose to leave in the early days. It could be depression, it could be that she has someone else or it could be something else entirely. However, be prepared that you may never know her reasons properly.

BTW... 'straight thinking' Dads leave DCs all the time. Mothers less so but it's not all that unusual. Do protect yourself and your DCs therefore. Take all the help and support you are offered and, when you feel able, get good legal advice. Best of luck

Frog where did I mention housework?

Sorry you are going through this but lots of 'straight thinking' fathers leave their wives and dc and only sees them one or two days a week, and no-one questions it!

I suffer from long term depression and had pnd. I often felt my family would be better off without me.

The problem here is you actually may never know why she has decided to leave and taken the steps she has. Maybe the depression is part of the issue but I struggle to think its the whole issue. It could be anything and you could drive yourself mad trying to work it out. Unless she says what's happening and it doesn't sound like she's going to, your never going to know.

A mothers bond with her children is as strong as a fathers bond and the fact she's a mum really doesn't matter. Parents do leave their children for many reasons. Some of which you will never understand.

So sorry to hear this.

My son was a single father because his partner was an unsuitable mother. I can't get my head around why mothers often abandon their children.

Sadly I know it happens.

Call on all the help you can get. Family, friends and so on. Maybe your wife's family will chip in with the kids.

There's more to your story that you haven't told us so hard to know how we can be more specific .

Thankfully it's had a happy ending for my son but that was several years down the line . At the moment you need to minimise the damage for your children,

Hopefully they will still get contact with their mum.

She might be thinking that the kids are more settled with you part of the week, if she's taking them 2.5 days a week she certainly isn't abandoning them! Perhaps she's trying to compartmentalise, work 4 days and kids the other.
Were you the stay at home parent? I think that would sway my thinking if I were considering shared care. I would say just go with it for now and be there for the kids, and ensure she gets to see them too, perhaps when the dust settles she will ask for half the week?
I'm sorry for your situation, it must be really difficult

I think it's a bit unfair to judge her more harshly for leaving her kids. Some women cannot cope with full-time responsibility of children, just as many men can't. Plenty of men leave and would be considered good guys for wanting 2.5 days per week.

Being away from you will give her a chance to see if you are the root cause of her depression or not! I presume you are not under any obligation to sign divorce papers straight away? Can you hold off? How long have you been separated?

The OP is entitled to be as harsh, hurt, judgemental or upset as he likes. He's been dumped from a great height, his heart broken, and literally left holding the baby.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Do NOT let her dictate what happens next.
Get to a solicitor and understand what your rights are.
As you will have the kids the majority of the time you wil probably have the right to stay in the marital home.
You will also be entitled to get child maintenance from your DW.
Work to the assumption she is not coming back and there is probably OM in the background somewhere.

Sod the solicitor to begin with OP, she needs medical help.
My dsis did this and the longer she stayed away the harder it was to return for her children.
My dsis missed 10.5 years of her dds life.
She was discharged from the hospital immediately and given anti depressants, she went that night not to return.
She had psychosis.
I know you are hurting and can remember how badly my dsis dh felt at the time.
Your wife is not well, you don't leave your dc like that.
Please help her and then sort out solicitors etc if need be.
Even if this is for the sake of your childrens relationship with their mum.

The woman being described has managed to get a flat, draw up a plan on how things are going to be divided and has also proposed a contact schedule with the DCs. She also holds down a job. She may or may not be in the grip of a psychosis but, on the face of it, she appears to be a lot better organised and sorted than a lot of people without MH issues.

Put kids first. What's best for them?

Would you cope well with having kids most of the time? If so, I wouldn't send them to their Mum against her wishes for any more time than is necessary.
Second question is - would she cope with having them for the rest of the time? If so, all good.

I have a female friend who went through some dark times and yes she was asking her husband to have the kids and just leave her alone, forever. With loads of treatment and support she is now much better and spends a lot of time with her two beautiful children. It took something like three years for her to start bonding with kids again.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you OP.

However, really all you can do is take her words at face value.

I would suggest being as neutral as possible with her, avoid putting any pressure on her or questioning her mental health (which will only serve to make her more resentful), and suggest that you both sit down with a solicitor to draw up plans for how you can both make this as easy as possible for the children.

If she is suffering from PND, then you can't force her to deal with it. It's something that she will have to come to terms with separately.

Cogito

On the face of it they can be very organised even seem like they are sorting things out well and know their own mind.
Inside there is a person screaming for help and convincing themselves they are making the right decision.
Obviously I don't know your wife OP, but the cool calculated exterior just bares so many similarities to my dsis.
She too blamed her dh as there is nobody else to blame, rightly or wrongly.
She will have told her family its all your fault and there probably isn't anyone else.
Please OP as hard as it is by helping your wife you will be helping your kids.
I worry that the 2.5 days or whatever she agrees to will be too much and I would hate for her to run like my dsis did.
She never did build up a relationship with her dd and went on to have another child with the same man many years later, this time she had no problems and help was on side if she needed.
I don't think your wife is of sound mind at all.

Thanks to all. There were mistakes made by me at the beginning of PND. Part of a chat we had was taken out of the context that it was said in and has festered inside her for 3-1/2 years. I remember back 6 months ago,when I offered to leave as I was beginning to get depressed also,the look in her eyes was pure fear. I thought that it was a sign of her wanting me to stay. But of course it could have been the fear of being left with the boys alone. She filled in the divorce papers and said if I don't put them straight in she will divorce me. Family mediators have drawn up an agreement, which she wants put into the divorce so I have to have the boys 4.5 days a week until they leave school. I love my boys and would happily have them full time so of course I will divorce her. My priority is the boys and not material posessions or money. We could always get back together if she changes her mind in the future, I love her dearly.
For now we 3 boys are ok and doing just fine without her family's help.

'Pure fear' is really not a great place to be. Doesn't sound as though you fully understand what she was so frightened of and doesn't sound as though she's told you either. Holding a grudge for 3+ years is not reasonable. She appears to be very certain about the way forward if you're already as far as family mediators so you sound like you're doing the right thing in facilitating the divorce.

Even if you are not concerned with material possessions, please do make sure you get professional legal advice. It would be adding insult to injury if you sold yourself short financially... and it wouldn't help you provide a good future with your DSs

I do hope you find the way to move on with your life in all regards and don't keep yourself on the shelf waiting for the person that has so comprehensively rejected you. You may love her dearly but it is not reciprocated.

don

So sorry you are going through this.
You know the bit about her making you promise to have the dc for that time until they leave school. My dsis signed an agreement saying she didn't want any contact at all, ever.
Years later when we were talking she said it was because she just couldn't see past how she felt at that time. It wasn't about her, she thought she was being selfless as her dd was better with her Dad.
The finality of her statement still makes me think she is not of sound mind.

You do need to let her go for now though, so sad that something like this can come between a loving family.
It's heart breaking because you love her so dearly.
You will be fine and you sound a terrific Dad.
My heart goes out to you.

Having read your most recent post, I'll just reply to that. You need to get legal advice asap. It is not for her to decide 'who gets what' as you said in your OP.
You need to see a solicitor.