I have finally worked out why I feel so worthless!

[LittleMisslikestobebythesea]

Sorry if this is long!

For years I have been lacking in confidence and self esteem, and I think I have finally worked out why!

My husband has always done what he wants to do, including going away for 6 weeks without me when we had been married just over a year. More recently he has joined a men only club without discussing it first. I have asked him to please discuss things with me, I won't stop him, but it would be nice to be thought of in these decisions! He denies doing this and says he asks!

I feel worthless and unappreciated and I think its because I feel me and the kids aren't important to him, he does what he wants, and we don't come first. So I feel like my feelings don't matter.

I an seriously considering seperation, and although it terrifies me, I know I have to do something for my own sanity.

I just want someone who puts me first, and considers my feelings, I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation is it?

A husband and wife should ideally work as equals and show each other respect and consideration. However, the only person who is guaranteed to put you first in your own life is yourself. If you find you are being taken for granted, unappreciated, mistreated or ignored, then you either have to be very assertive and demand higher priority... or you reject the person completely

It's not unrealistic to want to be important to your partner.

I think it's a vicious circle.

I think you are not being respected by your husband, which has sent your self esteem down. But then, the fact your self esteem is low, makes you someone who doesn't demand enough (which is not his fault). I see relationships so often where women just put up and shut up, and it drives me nuts. Men are often selfish and will get away with what they can, if you let them, they will go for more.

I don't think you can blame this entirely on him. If my husband had gone away for 6 weeks without my consent, I would have divorced him at that point.

You hit the nail right on the head cog.
We often look to others to give us value and self worth when sometimes we don't even value ourselves enough.
I can imagine that he has always just done whatever he chooses, when he chooses and you have just gone with it, and it is when we accept these actions from others that we de value ourselves.
It's time to sit and talk. Only time will tell if he is ever going to listen or ever going to validate your feelings. He sounds like he is having a great time so I can't imagine he will want to change any time soon.
It might be worth telling him that you have booked to go away for 6 weeks oh and by the way, sorry you forgot to mention it.

"We often look to others to give us value and self worth when sometimes we don't even value ourselves enough. "

I agree with this. Don't get me wrong. Being in a good relationship is a great, life-affirming experience. People in happy, secure relationships live longer than those in unhappy ones etc. But delegating our self-worth to other people - especially when those people abuse the position they've been placed in - is a very risky & probably foolish business.