Ex still harassing after 3 YEARS

[Needsomeadvicepleaseguys]

Ok so....
Was with ex for 5 years, relationship started after a very low and vulnerable point in my life. Ex took me in and refused to let go. I attempted to leave several times, each time he would lock me in, beg me not to etc.

He cut me off from all friends and family so I just had him and his friends/family. He took pretty much all my money each month to pay for bills and who knows what else. He was a drug addict and chronic gambler. Anytime I asked where my money was going he would get defensive and/ or aggressive until I stopped asking.

3 years ago I had finally had enough and knew I had to leave. Moved in with DB. Ex tried every trick in the book to get me back, going from mr nice guy, the victim who threatened suicide to an absolute aggressive psychopath - sometimes within the same conversation. He stalked me, sent malicious messages to anyone who had helped me after we broke up, caused untold trouble for me at work etc. Should probably mention we have no dc's. I got the police involved by letting them know what was going on when this all happened but lost my nerve and was scared of the repercussions so asked them not to take it further.

In the last 3 years, ex has sent various messages via email. Again, going from nice to viscious, though I have ignored all of them.

Yesterday ex sent a threatening message to a friend who called the police. They are coming round tomorrow and I am ready to take this as far as I need to. This needs to stop once and for all. The majority of messages were on a phone I lost a couple of years ago but there are still lots that were sent via email which I can show them.

Basically I'm just wondering what is likely to happen when the police come round and whether they will be able to do anything based upon the messages that I have from more recently i.e not the most upsetting but still pretty bad.

Thank you

Yes they can. They can have a quiet word - which is effectively a warning, through to supporting you putting in an application for a Non-Molestation Order.

Non-Mols often come with a 'penal notice' so that if he breaks it, prison is a real threat. Don't know if that will bother him though, it depends whether he's the sort of person who thinks ASBOs are a licence to misbehave.

It's similar to a 'restraining order'.

www.thecustodyminefield.com/flapp/nonmolestationorder.html
www.cps.gov.uk/legal/p_to_r/restraining_orders/#a01

You, believe it or not, have the right to live your life peaceably. Get together anything on hand (no matter how innocuous it may seem to you) and hand it over.

Thank you for the link and reply wellwhoknew, very much appreciated. Should I write down the messages or perhaps copy and paste into another e-mail? It would take me hours but I can do that if thats what the police will need.

I'm just really scared. I feel like a can of worms which has been slowly leaking will be broken open. Fear of the unknown, I suppose as well. I think he is the sort of person who will take notice of the police. Believe it or not, ironically he is very scared of authority. However, he feels that all the wrong in his life has been caused by other people and holds grudges from childhood, swearing that when the time comes to take revenge, he will. I honestly dont know how much of it is just talk but I feel that by involving the police, I will soon find out!

I should tell the police as much as possible and let them advise you on what to do with the messages. Whatever he thinks of the police and whatever type of person he is, if he doesn't take warnings seriously, he'll find it gets very unpleasant.

Glad you're taking action.

I wouldn't do anything with any of the evidence, which it is, by copying and pasting etc. just leave it all in your account, that way he can't deny sending it/ that's what he wrote and you didn't edit it etc. the police will have dealt with this all before, so be upfront with everything as if your worried / have questions then voice them! Good luck

For me, involving the police was the very best thing, and I'm sure that this will apply to you too. I note that you write that yours is scared of authority and the police? That's a good thing. Mine had a visit from 2 policemen who made it very clear what the consequences of him ever, but ever, contacting me again, would be.

Starting with an immediate night in the cells, as a taster.

He never contacted me again. Two brilliant young policemen, very polite etc. but i was left with the firm impression that I was glad they were on my side

They came back the next day after they had called on him to de-brief.

I SO heart our local police force.

All the best to you.

Thank you all so much for your replies. Bikermouse, that makes me feel so much better. I suppose I am worried that they wont take me seriously - they will wonder why it has taken for my friend to report him before I took any action. It's just been going on for far too long, 3 years and a new girlfriend still havent stopped him so this is the last resort. I am worried about any repercussions but to be honest, the mental effect it's having on me is just as bad as anything else. Its almost like he's still got a level of control - still has the ability to make me sick with worry and I think thats what makes me cross the most. Everytime I feel a bit more relaxed, he pops up again.

When I reported him in the beginning, an officer at the desk just said "tell him to leave you alone and come back if anything else happens!" Luckily there was another officer there who was able to look through the messages. Another officer who I spoke to took it extremely seriously so I suppose it depends on which person you get?

He has already spent a night in custody because a neighbour reported him assaulting me so this is technically the third time the police have been involed. Would that work in my favour, do you think?

I'm jolly sure it will! I'm pleased that they (I'm hoping two cops cos that's the way home visits go round here) will be coming round to yours. They'll be able to see all the texts etc. and you, in your own home, will, I think, feel more at ease to detail everything that's happened. They certainly gave me time. In my case they had enough on him from the ans.m/c messages he'd left, to say that they could make their own prosecution - and that they would, if he continued his behaviour. And I believe that's what they made perfectly plain to him.

Btw I think the bloke on your front desk was an absolute arse. But I see that other officers thought so too.

Yes, it would.

You will be believed because even though he wasn't taken to court (from what you're saying) he will still have come into contact with the police and possibly given a caution.

You still have the right to live peaceably - it can't be taken away from you. Clearly, we can't turn to the police every time someone irritates us, but this is on-going long term nastiness which can be stopped. I think you're doing the right thing here.

Agreeing completely with wwk. Mine now has the 'pleasure' of having a police record because of those phone calls and police involvement.

Now, years later, I work with ASB behaviour in our community. The right to be able to live peaceably and without fear is a basic.

Sorry no practical advice but sounds horrendous and you shouldn't be subjected to this any more. And plenty of people have had unfortunate childhoods and terrible adolescences and general bad luck without using that as an excuse to justify bad behaviour.

How did it go today, OP? Hope all's well with you.

Hi guys
Ok so I spoke to the police: gave a statement and they contacted me saying that they need me to give another statement? I'm guessing its going to be a blow by blow account of each incident, as well as a list of the messages that they will need. During the initial statement, it was just the background information i.e when we got together, how long we were together etc.

They have said that it will most probably go to court and they need to know if I will give evidence.

I'm not sure if I can do it.... Please, anybody who has been to court, not just for relationship stuff but generally.... What do i need to expect if I go through with it? And also, what would happen if I don't? Would they take my statements and roll with it anyway?

Hi Need. Not been through this myself but am a criminal barrister.

Clearly the police are collecting evidence of an offence - possibly harassment, possibly malicious communications, it depends.

If it goes to court, he may plead guilty, particularly if the evidence is in written form. If he pleads not guilty, you may have to give evidence. You should be able to give evidence from behind a screen. You will be asked questions by the lawyers, but as long as you are telling the truth (which I am sure you are) you will have no problems at all. Remember that you are not on trial.

The criminal courts can also give you a restraining order to protect you from future contact from him if that is what you should want.

I would really encourage you to go through with it. I have represented many men who get away with the most horrendous behaviour because their partners don't come to court to give evidence against them. Despite everything that has happened, these men still hold all the cards.

Feel free to PM me if you want any more information.

You are not the party who has made the current complaint. I don't know what was in the communication that so worried your friend but it might be possible for the police to proceed on that alone given your previous contact with them and the police attending before. I really think you should ask them when you go to make your statement.

What could happen if you don't press on with this is that he thinks he's got free rein to harass you until you have to leave where you live now and go into hiding somewhere. And could well so emboldened to step up to a whole new level of abuse.

Being in court as a witness is not so frightening because you are not the one answering the charges. You will be asked about the things you have said in your statement. Asked to give information about why and how the relationship ended. Whether you have given him any encouragement to believe that your relationship is ongoing. Stuff like that. It's not anything like the stupid court stuff you see on TV.

You were extremely brave to manage to get out of his clutches. Making a statement and appearing in court as a witness will be as nothing compared to that. Who knows how many other innocent women you could prevent from being terrorised by him in the future?

Hi OP,

I went to court as a witness (for something nothing near as horrible as your situation) and it was ok. There was a volunteer from Victim Support looking after me and explaining the process, the police were generally very good at keeping me in the loop. I had to give two statements - they came to my house and got a very detailed account from me about what happened. This was useful as (i think?!) i had another chance to read at the trial and appeal. Everything in it was absolutely true, so it wasn't "getting my story straight", but it did make me less apprehensive having had it all in black and white, if you see what I mean (especially because so much time passed between the crime, statements, trial and appeal). The pros are there to support you. It's daunting but it is so important to do, for your own safety.

Without your involvement, a decision would have to be taken whether the evidence is sufficient to charge him anyway.

Your involvement obviously makes the case easier for them to handle.

Going to court can be really daunting, but they have 'Victim Support' who makes you a nice cup of tea and chats to you, takes you round the building as is altogether there to support you makes it more bearable.

You're not on trial remember, just a 'witness' and 'victim'. You haven't done anything wrong. You're not going to be 'torn apart' like they portray on the TV with a vicious barrister. It's actually all incredibly polite and formal.

Worth doing if it brings you peace for the rest of your life. I suspect if you don't, he'll just cease to be scared of the police, whilst you remain scared of him.

Take care.